


Until the wilderness cried aloud (and their souls stretched tight across the skies)

by ElixirBB



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe!Modern, Angst, F/M, Fingering, HEED THE WARNINGS OKAY, I'm tagging underage because some sexy times happen when Rey maybe like a year underage, JFC i hope you all enjoy, Jakku and Plutt were awful, Lots of backstory, Lots of memories, M/M, Masturbation, Mentions of Rape, Mentions of Suicide, Mutual Masturbation, Oral, Pining, Possessiveness, Rey has a wicked imagination okay, Rey is a Kenobi theory, Sex, This story is just angsty AF, Touching, Unrequited Love, Vaginal Sex, but this story is rated E, except there's a whole bunch of stuff going on, fantasies, mentions of child prostitution, modern!AU, my excuse for italics really, this fic got to be way too problematic, this story is like 80 percent porn and 20 percent plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-25
Updated: 2016-05-15
Packaged: 2018-06-04 13:21:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 71,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6659740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElixirBB/pseuds/ElixirBB
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She thinks maybe they were always meant to end up this way, a version of their own tragic selves where they take and take and take and never give. </p><p>Or maybe, even worse, they were written in the stars, he, shrouded in the darkness and she, a child of the light, despite circumstance, only meeting during eclipses that send the world tilting in darkness. </p><p>(They always seem so apt in destroying one another, no matter how accidental.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lightening strikes (and wisdom cries out in emergency)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [notaninternetkiller](https://archiveofourown.org/users/notaninternetkiller/gifts).



> This is for Notaninternetkiller for reasons that will likely make us sob all over again. Title was taken from W.B. Yeats "Against Unworthy Praise" and "Prelude IV" by T.S. Eliot. 
> 
> Heed the warnings people. Warnings apply for every chapter. And just an FYI:  
> (blah blah blah in italics is a flashback)  
> (blah blah flashback [brackets within parentheses in italics is a memory within a memory]). Hopefully it doesn't get too confusing! I hope you all enjoy!

She thinks maybe they were always meant to end up this way, a version of their own tragic selves where they take and take and take and never give.

 

Or maybe, even worse, they were written in the stars, he, shrouded in the darkness and she, a child of the light, despite circumstance, only meeting during eclipses that send the world tilting in darkness.

 

(They always seem so apt in destroying one another, no matter how accidental.) 

* * *

 

His lips are too thin, sloppy in the way that affirms his age. Not that she really has any room to say anything. She’s the same age but maybe it’s because of her upbringing, maybe it’s because of everything she’s seen and everything that has happened that she thinks she’s more mature than the rest of the people she goes to high school with.

 

(And isn’t that a funny statement in itself. She’s in _high school_ and more than that, she’s _thriving_.

 

She almost wants to stick her middle finger in the air, a big _fuck you_ to Plutt and Jakku and Niima, searing in her mind that she’d always be _nothing more than a orphaned scavenger._

 

_“When you get the chance, Rey, run. Run and never look back.”_

 

_“But my family-”_

_“I’ve never lied to you, Rey. Not once. So, if you want that to continue, don’t you dare finish that sentence.”)_

 

His body isn’t as long as it should be and his fingers are inadequate, leaving her more uncomfortable than aroused. He makes obscene noises with his mouth, sucking on skin so hard that she pushes his head away with a wince. She can feel his erection against her and it doesn’t _do_ anything for her. “Come on Rey.” He mutters in her ear, his voice is hot and she can smell the burger he had for lunch and she almost retches as the scent fills her nostrils. “Come on, babe, get wet for me.”

 

She’d laugh if the situation weren’t so _fucking ridiculous_. Because if guys her age think this dirty talk, if she can even call it that, is going to send her reeling into an orgasm that _rocks her fucking world_ , they’ve got another thing coming.

 

_(“What do you mean you’ve never come?” Jess asks her, voice barely above a whisper as they change in the girl’s locker room._

_Rey shrugs, pulling on her sports bra and unzipping her jeans, sitting down on the bench to pull them off her legs. She doesn’t bother folding them, just rolls them in a ball and places them next to her, standing up and yanking on her shorts. “It’s not that big of a deal.”_

_Jess frowns. “Are you doing it wrong?”_

_Rey almost chokes on air as her shirt suffocates her for a moment. Once she straightens out her shirt, she undoes her hair, the three elastics snapping against her wrist as she redoes it without heading towards the mirror. She’s done this enough times; she thinks she could do it in her sleep. “It’s masturbating, Jess, I don’t even know what I’m doing half the time.”_

_“So, like…back in Jakku…you’ve never…?” She lets the question trail off, face flaming and Rey almost thinks that she’s ashamed for asking but Rey knows what’s being said. She knows that the entire school knows the circumstances that led her to finding a grandfather she never knew she had._

_“There was never any time for a boyfriend.” For her that is._

_[“I’ll tell Gemma to tell Teedo to lay the fuck off you guys.”_

_“Will Teedo listen to her?”_

_“Teedo is ass backwards in love with Gemma so yes, he will listen to her.”_

_Rey’s eyes always burn when she thinks about Gemma.]_

_“Besides, I shared a room with a girl younger than me.” Rey shrugs, there was never any time for Rey to think about releasing any sort of tension building up in her body, even when her body went through puberty and she had to get Gemma, Talia and Roz to explain to her that it’s normal she bleeds every month._

_Jess nods like she understands. She doesn’t and Rey feels slightly bad for thinking that because ever since she came to Coruscant, Jess and Finn attached themselves to her, claiming her as their best friend and they’ve stuck by her side since. And she’s grateful to them probably more than they could possibly imagine, but they don’t understand. She throws Rey a smirk. “It’ll happen though, either by your hand or someone else’s hand and it’ll be like-BAM-holy shit. Your world will explode in like a million and one colors.”_

_Rey gives Jess a tight smile and doesn’t bother telling her that she’s been dreaming in black and white, shadows creeping along her vision for as long as she can remember._

_Come back, she remembers crying, don’t go. Don’t leave me. Come back._

_“Come on.” Rey says, slipping on her cleats, “We don’t want coach to be pissed off at us for being late.”_

_They leave the empty locker room behind them. Or at least, so they thought it was empty._

_Her first hint that something is wrong is the way the other girls on the team try to talk to her. Rey is a positive person, she’s nice to everyone, which probably surprised more than half the school, likely because they had their own ideas of what a orphaned girl from backwater Jakku suddenly saved by a long-lost relative would be like and Rey is almost vindictively proud to prove them all wrong._

_So, Rey is nice to everyone but is extremely guarded, letting only a few people in, and everyone else for their part leaves her alone. There are_ hello’s _here and there,_ how are you’s _and small talk that Rey excels at, because Rey is good at bartering and she’s good at judging people and sizing them up, but sometimes, she’s really fucking dumb at not checking to make sure the locker room is empty before she confesses something stupid._

_So, Rey talks to the girls, nods in the right places and when they start poking around in Rey’s non-existent sex life, she makes the excuse to shower and she does. She takes the shower in the corner, closing the curtain and letting the hot water soothe her sore muscles. She has a free period first thing in the morning, so she takes longer than the rest, only emerging from the shower when it feels like her skin is going to peel off._

_Her skin is red and raw and it almost reminds her of when she first came to Jakku and first spent a day in the sun and how the sun burned at her, blistering and tearing at her skin._

_[During the beginning of her stay, there was an older girl, her name was Hera, [_ yes, like the Goddess _, she’d say with a wink of dead and lifeless eyes and a flick of her hair] and Hera was a mother-hen to the younger children. She took Rey aside and explained to her how to protect herself from the sun and what to do in case something like this should happen again. She taught her what to wear and when to wear it and she gave her a run-down of the market and which corner was designated as her corner. Hera taught them a lot of things._

_And then one day, she was gone. Rey remembers Plutt telling them that since she turned eighteen, she couldn’t stay there anymore and that Nox graciously took her in, gave her a job._

_The older kids widened their eyes, some shaking, leaving Rey confused. One of the older boys nudged Rey. [She asks Talia one night who Nox is and when Hera would be coming back and won’t she come by to visit? Talia looks at her with sad pitying eyes. “You won’t ever see her again. Do yourself a favor and stay away from Nox and his crew.”_

_“What do they do?”_

_“They’ll kill your soul and then they’ll kill you.”]_

_This girl, staring back at her in the mirror with blank hazel eyes that she lets only one other person see and red-raw skin is familiar to her. She_ knows _this girl._

_She kills some time in the library, catching up on homework and reading because while she’s excelling, she’s still behind and she wants-_ needs _-to prove everyone wrong about her. She won’t be another Jakku statistic. The bell rings, signaling her to her class and Rey hefts her backpack over her left shoulder, holding to the strap tightly and making her way through the hallways. She sees people looking at her, guys eyeing her, some girls giggling, others looking on in sympathy and others not caring._

_She sees Jess, hands wrapped around a younger member of the team, yanking her down the hallway. Rey can see Jess’ eyes are stormy and she can tell that she’s fuming and Rey doesn’t even have time to be amused before Jess is pulling her into an empty classroom that won’t likely be empty for long._

_“Tell her what you told me and don’t leave anything out.” Jess snarls, it’s twisted and vicious and Rey is almost taken aback because their younger teammate looks like she’s going to burst into tears._

_She’s not wrong, the girl,_ Cassie _, Rey remembers, starts crying and blubbering about how she was in one of the stalls when Rey and Jess were talking and she was curious about it because_ I thought women always came, so I asked some of the other girls and I told them they couldn’t say anything to anyone but now everyone knows and I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so _so_ sorry.

_[There is a moment of silence and then a pathetic wail cuts through the air and Rey sees Teedo collapse, not even attempting to right himself and he’s looking at Rey through bloodshot eyes, snot coming down his nose and tears staining his cheeks. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so_ so _sorry.”_

_To this day, Rey still doesn’t know who Teedo was apologizing to or for.]_

_So, everyone knows that Rey masturbates. Fine. Whatever. They know she’s apparently so inept that she can’t even do it properly, not able to make herself come. Fine. Whatever. It’s high school and she’s watched enough old movies to know that high school fucking sucks. But she thinks it’ll blow over, especially since Rey really couldn’t give a shit. Let them talk. They’ve been talking ever since she arrived._

_“It’s fine.” Rey sighs, putting a hand on Cassie’s shoulder. A teacher walks into the class, eyes going round as he takes in Jess’ hand on Cassie’s forearm, Rey’s on her shoulder and Cassie, folded in on herself, sobbing. “Bad breakup.” Rey lies, gently removing Jess’ hand and pushing her back out in the hallway. “Look, shit happens, it’s fine. It’ll blow over. Go to the bathroom, wash your face and don’t worry about it.”_

_“I was going to hit her.” Jess confesses as soon as Cassie leaves and they walk to their shared English class._

_“Why?” Rey is honestly confused and she can see Finn standing against the wall, waiting for them. It’s the one class the three of them have together and Rey is grateful for it._

_“Because she shouldn’t have opened her mouth.”_

_“Jess, there are worse things to happen to someone.”_

_“Like_ what _?” The retort is out of Jess’ mouth faster than she can hold it in and Rey has to remind herself that not everyone grew up an orphan in Jakku and not everyone led the life she did. That there are people, many of them actually, who grew up_ normal _. Rey just wasn’t one of those lucky ones._

_Rey levels her with a gaze and a smile that isn’t so much a smile as it is a self-deprecating grimace. Jess looks down at the ground._

_Finn is still smiling when he sees them and asks Rey out of the corner of his mouth, lips barely moving, “Is there a reason why I’m being asked if it’s true that I’ve never made you come because I mean, I know you’re keeping my secret but I didn’t expect a back story to go with it.”_

_Rey lets out a bark of laughter and people look at them. “I’ll tell you later.”_

_Later, also happens to include one of the seniors Rey knows because he’s on the boys soccer team named Donovan. He has blonde hair and blue eyes with dimples and a smile that could rival Finn’s. Every girl is halfway or fully in love with him._

_Not Rey though. She finds she likes her men taller, leaner with refined muscles hidden beneath black clothing and black floppy hair, curling around ears that always poke out, dark brown eyes that follow her so intensely, Rey feels like they could set her on fire if given the chance and with freckles and moles mapping out a constellation or two on his face and body. Rey finds that she likes her men six years older than her and not a hope of them ever seeing her as something other than a_ kid _._

_[“So,” He says, his voice a baritone that Rey hasn’t heard before and it sends chills up and down her spine, sends her body almost careening into the side as they wait around the carousel for her bag. “You’re the long lost kid.”_

_Rey looks at him from the corner of her eyes, taking in his black clothing and the darkness that envelops his eyes when he thinks no one is looking. “And you’re who? A long lost member of a dying emo-band suddenly resurrected?”_

_His eyes widen almost comically at her response and then he laughs, a full bellied laugh that makes him double over and it honestly wasn’t that funny but his laughter is kind of infectious because the smile that splits his face is so genuine that it belies the darkness in his eyes and maybe he doesn’t laugh or even talk that much because the rest of his family and the others who came to greet her at the airport are looking at them like they’ve grown a second head and his parents are looking at her like she’s a revered thing, as if she could be the answer to whatever question they were looking for._

_The adults exchange glances and Rey thinks she can the same thought run through each of their minds:_ maybe he can be saved. Maybe she can save him _._

_Rey doesn’t know what he needs to be saved from and Rey doesn’t know that she_ can _save anyone. But her grandfather, her long lost grandfather who she just met is staring at her with sad knowing eyes, as if this path is one that can lead only to another tragedy that he’s forced to be a bystander in._

_People are staring at them,_ him _really, and Rey’s cheeks are flaming so she grabs his arm, ignores the shocks that trickle up and down her body and forces him to look at her. He’s gone silent, the dying remnants of a laugh etched on his features and her eyes rove at the freckles and moles on his face and the ones that disappear underneath his clothes and she wonders what they could make if she traces them. His eyes are dark brown and when they stare down at her, her stomach clenches and her chest almost seizes. “People are staring.” She mutters, not taking her hand off his arm._

_“Do you care if people stare?”_

_“No.” To be truthful, she just doesn’t care about anything right now and maybe it’s the numbness. Maybe everything hasn’t quite settled in her stomach yet but even then she knows it’s a lie._

_The corner of his mouth upturn, as if he’s fighting a smile or a smirk. “I’m going to like you, kid.”_

_The word_ kid _stings and forcing her hand off his arm stings more.]_

_Donovan is leaning in closer to her and saying something to her and Rey only just clues in that he’s actually talking. “…make you feel good.”_

_Rey blinks. “What?”_

_He gives her what she supposes he thinks is a charming grin and leans forward, face hovering over hers and whispers into her face, as if it’s supposed to be sexy and not just inconvenient for her to breathe. “I said I can help you with your little…problem. I can make you feel good. Make you come so hard it’ll_ rock your fucking world _.”_

_He’s attractive enough if she’s into golden boys but she’s not._

_She’s also extremely frustrated because she was right in telling Jess that back in Jakku she didn’t have time for pleasure but now, now all she has time for is to think about how she can’t fucking come and it’s making her more frustrated than she’s willing to admit. “Fine. Yeah. This Friday? You can come to my place.”_

_There’s an in-service day on Friday and her grandfather is grading papers at his office on-campus, likely until later than usual._

_“It’s a date.”_

_“It’s really not.” She replies as the bell rings and she’s out of his embrace and out the front doors faster than she can blink.)_

 

And so, here she is, still dry as Jakku as Donovan attempts to rub her through her jean shorts. Her button-up tank top that ties at the bottom (the one Jess told her she should wear because it’s sexy) is unbuttoned, with half the buttons scattered on her bedroom floor and she was kind of upset about that. The cups of her bra are at her throat because he got frustrated when he couldn’t unclasp it and Rey didn’t really want to help, mostly as petty revenge for destroying half her shirt when he lost patience with the bottom half of the buttons. His lips are wrapped around her right nipple, free hand pinching her left nipple a little bit too hard and she hisses and he mistakes it as a good hiss, so he keeps doing it until she takes his hand and brings it down to her shorts and she tells him to _take them off_.

 

He looks like he won the lottery and he’s unbuttoning her shorts and then sliding down the zipper, shoving them off her legs, throwing them on her bedroom floor. She’s wearing lace underwear that Rey likes too much for Donovan but Jess told her to wear it and he doesn’t even fully take them off of her, just pulls them down to her knees and then his hand is between her legs, fingers poking and probing her and she scrunches her nose. He’s still whispering things in her ear but she’s not paying attention. Instead, the thought that she should tell her grandfather about the water stains on her ceiling crosses her mind.

 

“Close your eyes, Rey. Close your eyes and just _feel_ me.”

 

_Oh. God_. She can feel the laughter bubbling up in her chest and _fuck_ , she should have just stuck with her own inadequate hands. At least then she could get away with thinking that her technique is wrong and not that there may actually be a problem with _her_.

 

She wonders what damaged her. It was probably Jakku. _Fucking Jakku_.

 

But she listens, biting her lip and he thinks it’s for him because she can hear him groan, telling her that she’s _so fucking sexy when you bite your lip like that._ She rolls her eyes beneath her closed eyelids and takes a deep breath.

 

There are flashes; some of Jakku, some of the people she knows, some of the things she’s seen, remembering everything that comes to her in the black and white vestige of her dreams and she can feel the panic in her chest and before she can push Donovan off, she sees a familiar face, littered with freckles and moles.

 

She sees his dark eyes, sees his large hands as he grudgingly helped her walk while she was in heels for the first time at a wedding of people she didn’t know but who apparently loved her grandfather and shifted seating arrangement so it could include her. He danced with her that night, she remembers. The heat was hot but a pleasant hot, not hot like Jakku. His hand was placed at the small of her back, touching her bare skin because the dress she wore, the one that his mother and Jess helped her pick out, had a little gap between the top and skirt part. It was a peach color and he told her she looked _pretty enough to eat_ , eyes darkening and flickering with a bit of shame.

 

She remembers clenching her thighs and remembers putting her arms around his neck and with her heels on, she’s almost as tall as him, at least tall enough to put her head on his shoulder, tall enough to smell his cologne and sweat. She remembers his fingers tracing circles and shapes on her sliver of bare skin, forever marking her as his.

 

She sucks in a deep breath, remembering that night months ago and suddenly she’s imagining things, imagining how it would have been like to take his hand and go outside, away from the crowd and to his car that is fancier than she’s ever seen and one that his father scoffs at, instead opting to gaze lovingly at his broken and decrepit Falcon. She imagines how it would be like for him to pull her in the backseat of his car, imagines his hands on her hips as she settles over him, like Rey’s watched on those movies that Jess has mandated she watch. She imagines how it would be like to kiss him, his lips devouring hers, tongue pressing against hers and toying with it, licking her teeth and nibbling on her bottom lip. She’s imagining his lips on her neck, sucking and then licking, soothing his marks and he _would_ mark her, this time not with invisible shapes but with glaring hickies. She’s imagining his hands, slipping under her dress, groaning at the silk thong and she imagines his fingers, long and sturdy, slipping under the material and stroking her, entering her, swallowing her gasps and she imagines grinding on his erection because he wants ( _wants wants_ ) her so fucking bad and she imagines _begging_ him. ( _Please Ben, oh God, please Ben. Please please please.)_

 

She’s torn out of her daydream in a violent haze, air suddenly enveloping her where Donovan should have been and she wants to scream because _fuck_ , maybe she was close to that elusive orgasm. She’s wet enough, she finds out, when she can feel it between her legs and she knows it wasn’t from Donovan and everything to do with her fantasy.

 

She opens her eyes at yells and snarls and she gives a yelp when standing in her room is Ben fucking Organa-Solo and he’s _furious_. He has Donovan by the neck and is pulling him out of her room, threats flying from his lips as fast as his spit is and she can see the not even restrained fury and knows the destruction that follows.

 

_(“Redecorating?” Rey asks him humorlessly as she examines his room._

_She heard the commotion from outside and she heard Han come storming into her grandfather’s house, Leia following him, both of their voices are raised and Luke is already at her house, has been for a while and both Luke and her grandfather are trying to calm Han and Leia down but Han is yelling that his_ son is gone so just give up already, Leia! _And Leia is yelling back,_ he’s our son, Han! He’s our son and I won’t give up because I know him! _And no one is with Ben even though their arguing about him, so Rey slips out and makes her way across the street to the Organa-Solo house._

_Ben doesn’t even live there anymore. He lives a six-hour drive outside of the city and he comes home to visit sometimes and when he does he stays in his old room. She opens the front door, Han and Leia failed to lock and she follows the sounds of crashing to the basement where Ben’s room is and it’s a_ mess _. His desk is splintered into pieces, books are torn off shelves, glass is broken from his shattered mirror, his bed sheets are ripped, closet door broken._

_She spies the picture of them she gave him as a joke one day. It was in the middle of the summer and they were by the lake. He was in town visiting and Rey pushed him in the lake, laughing even as he got back up, grabbed her by the waist and threw her in. She remembers him drying off, grabbing his phone and checking his messages and she remembers searching for her towel and not finding it and she remembers him rolling his eyes and opening his towel and she remembers stepping into his embrace, so much bare skin on bare skin. She remembers growing instantly warm and she remembers snatching his phone, flicking on the camera button and holding it at arm’s length from them, just like Jess taught her._

_[“Smile!”_

_“Rey, no.”_

_“Smile, Ben. For me, please.”_

_He rolls his eyes. “Only for you.”_

_The click sounds and Rey sends it to herself. Printing it off and framing it, walking into his room and handing it to him later that night._

_“Keep it here.”_

_“Why not my place?”_

 

_Rey rolls her eyes. “Because I already gave you a picture of me for your other place. God, Ben, no need to make me a shrine. Besides, I may want to sneak into your room sometime, sleep in your bed and stare at myself.” She gives him an innocent smile. “Doesn’t that sound enticing?”_

_He kicks her out of his room and she hears the lock click into place._

_She stands outside the door long enough to hear grunts and a rush of heat pools in her underwear, hands braced against the door, clenching and unclenching her thighs. She’s starting to imagine him and_ God _, she’s starting to run her hand across her stomach when she hears footsteps and she’s flushed as flushed can be as she runs up the steps, nearly knocking into Leia. “Ben’s busy! See you soon!”_

_She scurries into her own bed, hand rubbing vigorously at her clit and she almost cries when she can’t seem to get anywhere.]_

 

_“I thought it was time for a change.” He’s breathing heavily, chest rising up and down rapidly._

_Rey nods and enters his room, careful around the glass and sits down on his torn sheets. She lies down, staring upside down at him. She wonders what she looks like, all sunshine and tanned body on his bed in his room of chaos. “You should have just watched one of those home design channels. Might have been less costly.”_

_He follows her lead, lying down next to her hesitantly, there’s almost no space between them and when he turns his head, he’s only inches away from her face and she can feel her heart thud loudly and she’s almost afraid he can hear it. “But much less satisfying.”_

_Rey blinks. “Is that what you want? To be satisfied?” She bites her lip. “Aside from tearing apart your room and probably other rooms, what else satisfies you? Maybe you should indulge in that a bit more than this.”_

_“You should leave.” He says after a few minutes of silence._

_“I should.” She concedes, her hand has a mind of its own as her fingertips graze at the cuts on his hand, specks of his blood staining the pads of her fingertips. “But I won’t.”_

 

_And so they lay on his bed, in his room of chaos and stare at each other until well after his breath is back to normal and chest has stopped rising up and down so rapidly. They lay there until he gets up and starts fixing his room and she helps him.)_

 

She’s pulling her underwear back up, (only sparing a brief thought, wondering _how much of me did he fucking see?_ ) shoving her bra back into place haphazardly and she’s pulling her jean shorts on, not bothering to button or zip them up. She stumbles into the hallway and Donovan is crying and Ben is still so fucking furious and has his fist pulled back and Rey is suddenly between them. Her back is pressed against Ben’s chest and she’s pushing at Donovan’s chest lightly. “Leave. Just…you need to go, _now.”_

 

Donovan looks at Ben with glassy eyes and then back at her. He looks almost worried and Rey wants to groan. “Are you going to be-”

 

_“Are you seriously fucking asking if I’m going to hurt her?!”_ Ben is radiating anger behind her and puts her arms out, bracing the wall to balance her when he tries to push past her, arms trying to reach for Donovan.

 

“ _Leave!”_ Rey snaps at the blonde and he’s _gone_ , stumbling down her stairs and out her front door, letting it slam behind him. When he’s gone, she can feel her heartbeat go back to normal. She turns around, hands pressed to Ben’s chest and she pushes him back. “What the _fuck_ , Ben?”

 

His eyes narrow at her and if she didn’t know him, she’d take a step back in fear but she _does_ know him. _She knows him_. “What the fuck, _Ben_? _What the fuck, Rey?!”_ He points to the empty stairway. “What the fuck were doing with fuckface over there?”

 

Her cheeks flame. “That’s none of your business.”

 

“ _You’re_ my business! You’re fucking seventeen!”

 

“I’m old enough to know what I want.” She’s snapping at him, voice twisting in a snarl and only Ben can work her up into such a fury. “And I want you to leave. _Leave._ Get the fuck out.”

 

“Why?” Ben snaps back and he’s in her face, body nearly bending over hers. “So you can call fuckface and tell him to come back? No fucking-”

 

“Maybe I will!” She’s not going to but he doesn’t need to know that. She makes to go into her room but Ben grabs her arm and pulls her back to him, pressing her into the wall. “What do you _want_ from me?”

 

“You won’t call him back here.” Ben tells her.

 

She wants to yell at him and tell her that he can’t tell her what to do and that he’s not her father. He has no claim over her, except that’s not entirely true, she knows. Because he has every claim on her whether he knows it or not and judging by the storm brewing in his eyes and despite the confident tone of his voice, she can hear a desperation underneath his words, that tell her he doesn’t know. She deflates, flattening herself against the wall. “I’m not going to call him back.” She agrees.

 

“Good.” He replies.

 

He’s staring at her again, eyes darkening, cheeks flushing and every single part of them is touching. Rey curls her toes into the hardwood floor and lets her eyes flutter close when she feels his fingertips on her sides. She opens them, mouth falling open, breath catching when she feels his hand skim up her ribs, goosebumps erupting across her skin. His hands skim the top of her breasts and she bites her lip just in time to stop a squeal from coming out when she feels his hands against her breast, tucking her back in her bra that she didn’t even realize wasn’t covering them properly (and she remembers that she didn’t bother checking to make sure she was decent, just tried to cover herself to stop a potential homicide in the her hallway.) She sucks in a breath when the pads of his fingertips graze her nipples.

 

His lips are parted and the tips of his ears are turning red as he closes her shirt and buttons the top part, landing on her torn off buttons midway and he shakes his head. “Fucking savage.” He mumbles.

 

Rey wants to laugh but she can’t even breathe when he takes the shirt and ties it up across her stomach, hands trailing down, barely grazing the lace of her underwear as he pulls up the zipper, the sound echoing in the silent hallway and buttoning her shorts. By the time he’s done, Rey is a trembling mess, lifting her head to meet his, hands reaching out to grab hold of his shirt, pressing herself against him, standing on her tiptoes, lifting her head until their lips are just barely hovering over each other and she’s going for it, she’s going to close whatever distance is between them and kiss him like she’s wanted to the first fucking moment she laid eyes on him and the felt the electricity between them when she laid her hand on his arm.

 

The front door opens, her grandfather’s voice calling out gleefully that he finished earlier than expected and _let’s get take out_.

 

Ben rips himself away from her, breathing heavily, looking almost pained. “Go get changed.” He says. “I’ll…I’ll say I picked you up from an impromptu soccer practice or something.”

 

She’s not able to answer, so she just nods, heart beating thunderously as she turns back to her room, closing the door and feels Ben’s eyes on her the entire time. Her body is tingling as she lies on her bed and she’s trembling, breath coming out heavily, hand slipping underneath her shorts.

 

She finds her underwear wetter than she remembers. On shaky legs, she goes into her bathroom and gets into the shower.

 

When she gets out almost ten minutes later, still frustrated even though she rubbed furiously at her clit in the shower, she reaches for her phone to see that Jess messaged her.

 

_How’d it go????!!!!_ There’s a few emojis to accompany the question.

 

(Rey doesn’t answer her.)

 


	2. Our hearts beat like fatalistic drums

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from T.S. Eliot's 'Rhapsody on a Windy Night'. Previous chapter title was from 'Wisdom Cries' by Aurora. Also, I lied and put another chapter up earlier than expected because it's Easter weekend (again) for me so it'll be hectic. However; HOLY SHIT GUYS LIKE YOU ARE ALL AMAZING AND I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU FROM MY WHOLE HEART. I CAN'T EVEN. Literally, you have all taken my breath away by the response to this story. But seriously, buckle up kids, because this is, I think, the only chapter where everything doesn't up shit's creek. 
> 
> It's the beginning before the fucking hurricane.

 She lets Donovan have his day and gloat that he nailed her in her childhood bed.

 

Except it’s not her childhood bed and they both know he didn’t nail her and instead spent a good five minutes crying because Ben terrorized fear into him, but it’s all semantics, she supposed, when it comes to high school boys and their cocks.

 

“I kind of want to punch his face in.” Finn tells her at lunch.

 

Jess makes a face. “I can’t believe I ever thought he was hot.”

 

She told Jess half of what happened when she saw her that Saturday. She also told Jess how Donovan definitely did not nail her and it was all a miserable failure but _hey, at least I gave it a try right?_ She didn’t tell Jess about Ben, not because she doesn’t trust Jess, she does, but Jess is horrible at keeping a straight face and she doesn’t want to embarrass Ben if and when she sees him next. Which disappointingly was not over the weekend, because he seemingly disappeared when she reappeared from her room.

 

She did tell Finn though. Finn, she can trust to keep a straight face.

 

_(“Are you sure about this, Rey?” Finn looks worried for her and it makes her heart swell just a little bit. “I’ve…it’s just…Ben is…all shades of fucked the hell up.”_

_“Great.” Rey responds because she knows. She knows how all twisted and gnarled up Ben Organa-Solo is. “Because so am I.”_

_Finn nods and flicks a piece of invisible lint off his sweater. “I trust you. And you know I won’t say a fucking word but if you…if you need anything, I’m here.”_

_She hugs him tightly and thanks him a hundred silent times over.)_

 

“Leave it.” Rey says, poking her food with her fork. “Let him bask in his moment of infamy.” She pushes her tray away, disgusted. “I’m skipping next period and grabbing some real food. Any of you-”

 

“Thank God.” Jess breathes, pushing her tray away and standing up, she grabs her keys from her bag. “I’ll drive.”

 

“I’m in.” Finn answers and they walk out the cafeteria and out the front doors, talking about school and everything else in between and for one moment, everything is normal again.

 

* * *

 

_(The night she arrives in Coruscant, her grandfather shows Rey her room. It’s at the end of the hallway upstairs and he points out what every other room is._

_First door on the left is his own room. First door on the right is a study that used to be his but he finds he works best in his office at the university_ [I get less distracted there.] _Second door on the right is a bathroom. Third door on the right is hers._

_He’s nervous when he opens the door, rambling about how if she doesn’t like it, they can change the color or the bed or the sheets or_ anything, anything you want, just let me know _. The walls are painted a light blue and it makes everything so bright. The bed is big, bigger than she’s ever seen and the covers are white with a purple floral pattern that makes her smile. There is a new desk in her room and a new chair and she raises her eyebrows at the laptop that sits on the desk. She runs her fingers over it, blinking away the blurriness that suddenly overcomes her. Her bureau is a dark cherry wood with a large mirror and her closet doors are painted a white._

_She has her own bathroom with a shower, sink and toilet and she leans against the wall marveling at its cleanliness and how it sparkles and how it’s_ just for her _._

_“Do you like it?” Her grandfather asks and he looks like such an old man here, hands clutching each other, tweed sweater over black slacks, reading glasses tucked in the opening of his sweater._

 

_“I love it.” She says. “Thank you.” And she means it because he could have just kept on ignoring her. He could have denied her but instead he found her, gained guardianship over her and it was all done so quickly it still makes her head spin._

_[She understands later that Leia pulled in favors left, right and center and expedited the process. Not like the Jakku government cared. They never cared about lost children before and they won’t care about the ones who come after.]_

 

_She looks out the door and across the hallway she sees another door, shut tightly. She frowns, tilting her head at the door, feeling as if she should know it. “Whose room is that?”_

_Her grandfather closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He looks like he’s aged ten years in ten milliseconds. “It was your mother’s.” He doesn’t say anything else even though Rey wants to take him by his shoulders and shake him, begging him to open the door and let her inhale everything her mother never gave her the chance to know. “You look like her, you know.” Her grandfather says. “You look like your mother but you have your father’s facial features.”_

_She knows. Or at least she knows now._

 

_[Leia gently shoves her in front of an old man. His hair is a sandy blonde, eyes a dark shade of blue. His face is wrinkly but his eyes twinkle. He inhales sharply. “You look just like them.” He breathes out, as if she’s some sort of revelation come to life in the middle of airport._

_Rey is confused for a moment, the past few days taking a toll on her. “Who?”_

_“Your parents. You look like your mother but…but you have your father’s features.” He answers; hand covering his mouth and then it drifts down to his throat. “You look just like them.”_

_For a moment Rey blinks back burning tears and then she’s enveloped in a warm hug that shouldn’t feel as familiar as it does.]_

_She’s saved from saying anything by the doorbell and he gives her a sheepish look. “There are some people who want to see you. We’re having a barbecue, are you…is that okay?”_

_Rey nods. “It’s fine. I’ll…I just need to…” she gestures to her hands and her grandfather nods._

_“I’ll meet you downstairs.”_

_He leaves and Rey stares at the door across from her room for a good few minutes before the doorbell rings again and she disappears into the bathroom to collect herself._

_[She ends up in the corner of the bathroom, head between her knees, overwhelmed with emotion and she starts crying until she thinks she can’t breathe._

_Run, Rey. When you get the chance, run and never look back._

_Come back, she remembers crying, don’t go. Don’t leave me. Come back.]_

_She sees Leia and Han and Luke first. Then she’s introduced to Anna and Cliff Dameron and their son Poe who is sitting next to a boy named Finn who tells her he’s her age and they’re going to the same school and_ this is one of the best friend’s Jessika Pava and these are her parents, but you already know her mother, Agent Pava _._

_She does. Agent Pava is the one who smiled and indulged Dee, leading her away from Rey on a different plane a couple days earlier to a woman who lives in a castle in Takodana. At least, that’s what Dee told her before she left her._

 

_[“Maz says it’s so green in Tako-wherever and she lives in a castle, Rey! It’s so big. I’ll be a princess, like in those stories you guys used to me.” Dee quiets down, feet tracing the floor and hands clinging to her backpack on her shoulders. She looks so tiny here, tinier than Rey ever really thought possible and it_ hurts _because she tried taking care of Dee, they all tried taking care of Dee. “I’ll never forget you, Rey.” Dee tells her, tracing her face. “I’ll miss you forever.”_

_For the longest time, Rey has shared a room with Dee, watched Dee grow up and shared her bed when nightmares would take over and now Dee is leaving and there is an emptiness in her heart when Dee hugs her. Rey wants to hold on to the little blonde. Wants to take her and run because they_ could do it _, they_ could _. They could find Talia and they could live together because they_ understand _each other. They wouldn’t have to explain anything to each other._

_Except, Rey doesn’t know where Talia is because Talia left, Roz is nowhere to be seen and no one will answer her questions about her, Dee is leaving and Gemma is gone. Gone, gone, gone. [Rey’s eyes still burn thinking about Gemma.] “I’ll miss you more, Dee.”_

 

_When Agent Pava takes her away, Dee starts crying and Rey listens to her cry, nails biting into the palms of her hands to keep her rooted in place. The doors shut, silencing Dee’s cries and Agent Pava’s gentle compassion._

_Come back, she remembers crying, don’t go. Don’t leave me. Come back._

_It’s something Rey learns, everyone leaves eventually.]_

 

_Finn introduces her to his grandfather, Mace Windu and he’s a serious man, all business but then he smiles and it’s like his whole face and countenance changes. And then there’s Ben Organa-Solo, who walks in carrying a couple bags of ice. He doesn’t need any introductions._

_[“Who are you, anyways?” Rey asks, when she tears her hand away from his forearm, shaking it out, away from his sight. She clenches and unclenches her hand, trying to make the tiny electric shocks go away. They don’t._

_He opens his mouth and then hesitates before shrugging. “Ben. Ben Organa-Solo.” He gives her a look and it’s calculating and speculative all at once. “And you’re Rey Kenobi.”_

_“Apparently.”]_

 

_Later that night, after eating more food than Rey can remember ever eating, she sits outside on the porch in the warm breeze. “Liking it better than Jakku?” A voice calls out, interrupting her thinking. She doesn’t have to look to know its Ben. His voice gives him away._

_“Anywhere is better than Jakku.”_

_“Hoth is a frozen piece of shit.” Ben offers._

_“Is that supposed to mean something to me?”_

_Ben chuckles. “I’m just saying, not everywhere is better than Jakku. You’d die on Hoth.”_

_She feels a flush rising on the back of her neck. “Yeah, well,_ you’d _die on Jakku.” And he would._

_He puts his hands up in mock surrender. “Take it easy. I’m just making conversation.”_

_She nods, turning her head to stare at him. “Do you have any pointers for me then?”_

_He lets out a low whistle and leans back against his arms, tilting his head at her. He’s silent for a moment before he gives her a grin. “Don’t eat my mother’s food. She can’t cook for shit.”_

_She lets out a bark of laughter and listens to him tell her about Coruscant.)_

 

* * *

 

A few weeks before Thanksgiving, they have a soccer game on a Saturday. Nights before a match, Rey always stays over at Jess’ and they talk strategy until ten at night and then it’s lights out. They’re a very regimented duo when it comes to soccer, both like to win and they know discipline. Jess because of her parents line of work and Rey because of the life she’s led.

 

(As predicted, the Donovan debacle died down as soon as two students were caught having sex in the girl’s bathroom later that week.)

 

When morning breaks, they’re both up, going for a light run, eating a light but protein-packed breakfast, making their pre and post smoothies, packing their gear and on their way out the door, shouting that they’ll see everyone at the field.

 

They arrive the same time as the other girls, looking at their surroundings and walking the field, psyching themselves up and visualizing their plays. They’re playing against their biggest rivals, Hosnian Prime and the _only_ option is winning.

 

The benches start to fill with supporters for both sides and the girls are stretching when the coach calls them in. It’s short and to the point but the message is clear, _win._

 

Everyone takes their positions, cleats digging into the turf and the referee takes a moment before blowing the whistle and then all hell breaks loose.

 

* * *

 

Rey’s lungs are burning and her legs feel like jelly but she pushes herself. Hosnian Prime is a tough team to beat but they’re doing it, hanging on to the their one point lead desperately. Jess is yelling at the defence to tighten up and Rey is sprinting forward, snatching the ball from number eighteen and sending it careening down the other end of the field. Then Rey is off running, head barely coming up to glance at the time. They have twelve minutes left in the game if they can just _get another goal_ that’s all Rey wants.

 

Cassie has the ball underneath her cleat, eyes fierce and trying to find an opening for one of her teammates and Rey huffs, feinting to the left, disorienting her opponent trying to block her and Cassie sees her the moment she gets free, lobbying the ball in her direction and Rey sees it, narrowing her eyes, jumping up, head arched and butting the ball with her forehead in the direction of the goal, hard enough that it leaves her disoriented for a split second.

 

It’s silence in her mind before she hears the roar of the crowd and feels Cassie collide into her, screaming in her ear. Rey is giddy with relief and she slaps five with another teammate before they’re all back in their positions.

 

As the clock winds down, she can feel the restlessness in both teams and the supporters. Jess steals the ball from another Hosnian Prime player and passes it to another one of their teammates and their teammate passes it to Rey and Rey is off, dribbling the ball between her feet and she doesn’t see the Hosnian Prime player, number eighteen come at her until Rey is on the ground, staring at the blue sky, the wind knocked out of her.

 

_(Rey comes back to the group home with a black eye, holding her ribs one night and Talia is lounging on her old bed and it’s much too small for her tall body, Rey sees that as Dee pulls Rey towards the closed door and then opens it without knocking. Rey is arguing that she doesn’t need Talia’s help, she doesn’t need_ anyone’s _help, even though her head is starting to ache and it feels like she can’t breathe._

_Talia looks up, a bored expression on her face, when Dee opens the door, mouth flying a mile a minute about how bruised she is and_ [can you help her, Talia? Please?]. _She takes one look at Rey, eyes widening and then hardening, jumping off her bed, bare feet on the hardened carpet and pokes her head out the door, looking from side to side and then turning Rey around towards the shared bathroom._

_“Dee, do me a favor and grab the first aid kit from underneath my bed. Knock twice, like this,” She gives the doorjamb two succinct knocks as an example, “So I know it’s you. Stand outside this door and if anyone needs to use the bathroom, tell them I’m bleeding and they can fuck off.”_

_Dee nods, her little blonde curls flying around her face and turns around, her small legs taking her to Talia’s bedroom and Talia shuts the bathroom door, turning around to stare at Rey. “Take off your shirt.”_

 

_“What?” Rey asks. “No. I’m fine, it’s just…”_

_“Rey.” Talia snarls. “Take off your fucking shirt. I need to check and make sure that nothing is broken because if it is, there’s nothing I’ll be able to do for you and you better hope to whatever is holy that Plutt buys the excuse for your black eye.” Dee knocks twice and Talia opens the door, body blocking the opening and Rey sighs, wincing as she sheds her shirt. She grimaces at the black and blue bruises that mar her body. When the door shuts again, she can hear Talia’s intake of breath and lets loose a curse so filthy, it makes Rey’s cheek flush. “Who did this to you?” She asks, as she gently pokes around the wound, then pressing her palm to her ribs, fingers ghosting over her skin._

_Rey hesitates, not sure she if she should lie and say she doesn’t know or tell the truth. She glances down at Talia as she opens the first aid kit and snaps on some gloves. “I don’t-”_

_“If you lie to me,” Talia says conversationally, “I’ll kill you myself.” She looks up at Rey from her place atop the closed toilet seat. “We don’t lie to each other, Rey.”_

_And they haven’t. Not since she came to the group home when she was younger and Talia wrapped an arm around her shoulder when Rey would cry in the middle of the night. That was when they were younger and Talia still shared a room with Gemma and Roz. But then Hera left and as Talia got older and taller and more prettier, Plutt let her have her own room in the basement, but most of the time, Talia crept back upstairs to her old bed in her old room that she shared with two other older girls, Roz and Gemma._

 

_Some nights, Rey can hear Talia sob between the thin walls and she can hear the rustles of the other girls and soft whispers and Talia’s voice, harsh and vicious, but she’s never able to make out the words._

_Rey takes a deep breath. “Teedo. It was Teedo and his friends.”_

_Talia nods once and then looks back at wounds. “I’ll tell Gemma to tell Teedo to lay the fuck off you guys.”_

_“Will he listen to her?”_

_Talia snorts. “Teedo is ass backwards in love with Gemma, so yes, he will listen to her.” She looks at her wounds. “It doesn’t look like anything is broken but I’m going to wrap it, just in case. You have to be careful when you go out for the next little bit, okay? There’s not much I can for your eye except tell Dee to get a bag of frozen peas from the freezer. I’m going to show you how to wrap this and give you two rolls of wrap. If you need help and I’m in my old room, come to me. If I’m not in my old room, get Dee to help you.”_

_“Can’t I just see you in the basement?”_

_“No.” Talia snaps, voice hissing. “Don’t you ever go to the basement. If Plutt tells you that you’re getting your own room in the basement, run. Do you hear me, Rey?”_ Talia’s _voice is almost desperate, fingernails digging into Rey’s forearms. “When you get the chance, Rey, run. Run and never look back.”_

_Rey frowns, “My family-”_

_“Rey, I’ve never lied to you, so if you want me to continue not lying to you, you won’t finish that sentence.” She takes a deep breath and it seems like all the fight has gone from her. “Did Teedo and his guys do anything else?”_

_Rey shrugs. “They took my bag with everything I found today.”_

 

_Talia nods and goes back to showing her how to properly wrap her ribs_.

 

_[The next day, Talia drops her bag that Teedo and his guys stole from her, in front of Rey. Rey glances down at Talia’s hands and notices that they’re patched up and blood is seeping through the bandages. The two other older girls are up before Plutt can really see the damage Talia did to her hands and are escorting her upstairs, whispers exchanging between the three of them._

_“I said I’d tell him.” Gemma says._

_“Yeah, well, I had to make sure he understood.”_

_Gemma lets out a gentle snort. “Does he have all his teeth at least?”_

_Talia grins. “I think I chipped one.”_

_But Rey will always see the tall and straight back of Talia, as if daring someone to question why she did what she did. As if daring someone to argue with her._

_The rest of week, Rey gets Dee to help her as Talia is always in the basement and her bed in her old room, remains empty.])_

 

“Rey!” She hears voices above her and for a moment, she thinks she sees Talia and Gemma staring down at her worriedly and then she starts laughing because she’s losing her mind. She doesn’t know where Talia is. Doesn’t know what happened to Roz. Dee is in Takodana, which reminds her, she should really call her soon, and Gemma is gone. Gone, gone, gone.

 

“Is she okay?” She can hear Jess now, her voice worried. “Does she have a concussion? _That was a fucking foul and everyone knows it_!”

 

“Rey?”

 

“Rey?”

 

_“Rey?”_

 

It’s the last voice that snaps her out of her daze. The deep baritone, that is always so familiar to her that she even starts hearing it in her dreams (is this another one of her dreams? She wonders. Is this another figment of her imagination? Because he’s starting to haunt every aspect of her life now and Rey would tell him to _stop_ if she didn’t _ache_ to always be around him.) She looks up and sees intense brown eyes staring at her worriedly, his face scrunched up, as if he’s in anguish just looking at her. “Ben?” She mumbles, groaning and rubbing at her chest as she gets up, hands suddenly helping her up slowly but surely. “What are you doing here?”

 

“Watching you kick ass.”

 

She gives him a lopsided smile. “And get my ass kicked, huh?”

 

His hands reaches out, like he’s going to brush away strands of her hair, or cradle her face and God, she’s just so fucking desperate for him to touch her but then he takes his hands away, like some cruel joke and she's left limp from fading hope. She’s helped up by her coach. “I’m fine.” She tells them.

 

“We’ll check for any cracked or broken ribs.”

 

Rey shakes her head. “I’m fine.” She repeats. “Just got the wind knocked out of me.”

 

“How do you know?” The coach snaps. “You have a medical degree I don’t know about?”

 

Rey sighs and deflates, “I went through the same thing on Jakku.”

 

“Getting tackled by a Hosnian Prime opponent?” The coach is being sarcastic and doesn't mean anything by it. Rey knows this. 

 

“Getting the shit beaten out of me by guys from a well-known gang.” She gives the coach a sardonic smile and then a softer one when the coach’s face morphs from annoyed to horrified. “I’m fine coach. I’m _fine_.”

 

She feels something cold press into her hands and she looks up at Ben who’s avoiding eye contact with her. She takes the icepack from him gratefully, fingers grazing against his, she watches as his body jumps and she lifts her shirt, biting back a gasp when she puts the icepack against her ribs. He takes the seat next to her when she finally sits down on the bench but doesn’t say anything. He sits close enough to touch, but far away to not close the distance between them and Rey’s chest feels tighter when her free hand twitches in the space between them, silently begging him to grasp her hand. She holds her breath when she sees his hand come up beside hers, and it always surprises her how large his hands are, how long and sturdy his fingers are and the side of his pinky finger just barely grazes hers, and he turns his head to the side, staring at her so intensely that she bites her lip and doesn’t look away. His eyes darken and in that moment, she thinks time stops and everything slows down until it’s just him and her and their barely grazing fingers.

 

The moment is broken by the whistle and the sudden roar of the crowd, and he turns away, his fingers and hand shaking as he shoves it in the pocket of his jeans and he stands, turning his back on her so fast, she thinks her heart is physically going to wrench itself out of her chest, and he’s walking away from her, each step taking him farther and farther away until he’s lost in the crowd and Rey is struggling to catch the breath she never seemed to get back.

 

_Come back, she remembers crying, don’t go. Don’t leave me. Come back._

 

(They win but somehow Rey feels like she’s lost.)

 

* * *

 

She corners Ben in her backyard that night, when her grandfather throws a celebratory dinner and tells her to take it easy for the rest of the weekend and she’s spent the majority of the day and night (not to mention since the Donovan incident when all she can still feel are his fingers on her skin and the growing agitation at her texts and messages that sit in her phone with no responses from him), trying to get Ben’s attention, trying to get him to talk to her and he always ( _always_ ) manages to find some excuse to not talk to her and to not be in the same vicinity as her and she’s furious and _hurt_. She punches Ben in the shoulder. “Stop avoiding me.” She hisses, her face flushing.

 

He doesn’t even bother denying it and instead he levels her with a glare. “I’m sorry my life doesn’t revolve around you, Rey.”

 

Rey lets out a laugh and her ribs protest. It’s a bitter laugh, a hollow laugh and it takes Ben by surprise. “We both know that isn’t true. Your life revolves around me just as much as my life revolves around you. So stop the self-sacrificing. You want to forget whatever the fuck happened, happened? We can do that. I just…” She’s getting frustrated and she’s horrified to find tears pool in her eyes. “I just want you back. I want you in my life, okay? I _need_ you in my life.” It’s an admission of weakness and she’ll kick herself in the ass for it later, but God, it feels so fucking good to let it out.

 

“Fuck, Rey.” He looks sick to his stomach and Rey feels hers clench.

 

“I need help with calculus.” Rey blurts, trying to ease the feeling in her stomach and trying to forget the look on his face at her confession. Her teeth are chattering and she doesn’t know if it’s nerves or the cold or something else entirely. And well, she really does need help with calculus and Ben is a bonafide genius in her eyes and he’s helped her before, so she knows he’ll help her again. “I’ve got a test after Thanksgiving and this chapter is kicking my ass and I can’t let my GPA go down so if you can stop being an emo-queen for a weekend and help me, that would be great.”

 

“I’m not coming down for Thanksgiving.” Rey’s heart sinks but Ben runs a hand through his hair and then down his face. “I’ll buy you a bus ticket and you can…you can spend Thanksgiving with me. I’ll…I’ll clear it with your grandfather.” It's like he's testing the words and invitation out on his lips, seeing if he should take them back and Rey jumps at the chance, accepting his invitation before he does take that chance to rescind his offer and they'll go right back to square one of avoidance and Rey can't...she _can't_ go back there. (It's a lonely thing, being lonely, she's come to find.)

 

And all of a sudden, Rey feels the blood rush to her head. Spending an entire weekend with Ben Organa-Solo, alone, in his apparently _fancy as-shit apartment that he can only afford because he works for the fucking devil incarnate_ (Han is always furious when Ben leaves and always goes off on a tangent because he doesn’t like where Ben works or who he works for) one-bedroom apartment seems like a recipe for disaster.

 

But then again, everything, since meeting him, has been a disaster.

 

(It’s them, she thinks, they’re just a catalyst for an explosion that will fucking destroy the lives of everyone in their vicinity.)

 

* * *

 

Her grandfather says _yes_ , hesitantly of course and he has rules and Ben, like a good fucking boy, agrees to all of them.

 

And Rey, like the granddaughter who is in love with the said good fucking boy, also agrees to all of them.

 

Rey tells herself to be calm and Jess tells her that she’s lucky she gets to leave for a weekend and Finn tells her with knowing but worried  _everything is going to be okay_ and _nothing will change._ (He's lying and they both know he's lying but they're also both smarter than to admit that, so they both go back to pretending that _everything is going to be okay_ and _nothing will change._ )

 

She repeats it until she believes it.

 

_Everything will be okay. Nothing will change. Everything will be okay. Nothing will change_.

 

_Everythingwillbeokay.Nothingwillchange._

 

* * *

 

(Except everything changes.)

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have I told you guys how much I love you? You are all unreal! I hope you all enjoyed!
> 
> MAD LOVE AND RESPECT,   
> BB


	3. Will the hunger ever stop (Can we simply starve this sin?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO. Do you guys know that scene in Girls? THAT scene? The mutual masturbation scene? Well, that scene inspired this clusterfuck of a chapter. SO. NEEDLESS TO SAY THE WARNINGS COME INTO PLAY NOW. Please heed accordingly. Chapter title is taken from the song Deathbeds by Bring Me the Horizon.
> 
> THANK YOU ALL SO SO SO MUCH! I am literally so fucking FLOORED BY EVERYTHING. YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING AND JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

_(Her seventeenth birthday is in the middle of summer. She, Finn and Jess don’t have plans, she doesn’t want to have plans, because every other birthday has been spent in the blistering sun, working until she manages to scavenge all she can and walks her rounds in the market, swiping things left, right and center. She’s good with her eyes. She’s good at assessing what has merit, what can get the highest dollar and she thinks that’s what has saved her for so long, Plutt needed her outside and when she was outside, she wasn’t inside and that’s all that really mattered._

_[A few weeks before she turns sixteen, she’s kicking sand, having made her way past Niima Outpost, to the outskirts, where she knows an old man dwells._ He’s nice _, Rey thinks. He looks at her as if he knows her but he always gives her broken junk to fix and when Rey returns with them, he always gives her food in return and sometimes, he gives her money. The money she has stashed away underneath her mattress. It’s not much, but it’s enough to give her a sense that if she wanted to, she could have freedom._

_But Rey knows she won’t use it. Because Rey is waiting. She’s waiting and waiting and waiting and will likely continue on waiting until a woman with maybe her eyes and a man with maybe her jaw come looking for the daughter they left behind for some reason and Rey thinks there_ has _to be a reason, that they_ will _come back for her._

_Lor San Tekka is waiting for her and he gives her a smile. It’s a kind smile and he stares at her with gentle but knowing eyes. He assesses her every time he sees her and she sometimes wonders why, she sometimes shifts under his gaze, as if he knows something she doesn’t. “How old are you?” He asks._

_“Sixteen.” She answers quietly. She counted her marks this morning before Dee woke up and before Plutt’s heavy footsteps could be heard throughout the house._

_He hands her a bag and she grabs it, hugging it close to her. He’s still looking at her, eyes trailing over her face. “Do I have something on my face?” She asks, her free hand wiping across her face, wondering if she only made it worse._

_He chuckles and shakes his head. “No. No. It’s just…” He hesitates, as if contemplating telling her something he’s guarded so closely to his chest. “You remind me of someone.”_

_For a moment, Rey wants to ask if it’s her parents. Has he seen them? Does he know them? Does he know where they went? When are they coming back? And then she takes a deep breath and realizes that there are hundreds of girls with brown hair, hazel eyes and freckles and that she’s no one special. “I must have that type of face then.” She responds. She nods to the bag. “I’ll see what I can do.”_

_He nods. “Happy birthday, Rey.” He calls out quietly._

_She doesn’t know it, having walked far enough to not hear or see anything from him anymore, but he makes his way into his little house and grabs the phone that hardly rings anymore and dials a number that shouldn’t be familiar to him. “Obi-Wan.” Lor San Tekka says, allowing a small smile to grace his face. “I…I think I’ve found her. Your granddaughter, I’ve…had my suspicions for some time but she’s…the resemblance is too uncanny for it not to be true anymore. If anything, you need to tell the General to get her and the other children out of that hell-hole.” After multiple conversations, his ear is burning just like the dying desert sun and hopes that some good can come out of it.]_

_Instead of the quiet day that she thought they agreed on, she wakes up to find Ben, hand burning her the bare skin of her shoulder shaking her awake. She wakes with a startled gasp, pulling the covers over her body. “What are you doing here?” She asks groggily._

_“Get up.” He says, “We’ve got plans.”_

_“What?” She blurts out._

_“Daylight’s wasting and you only turn seventeen once, so take advantage of my good mood and get out of bed.”_

_She mumbles and curses under her breath as his laughter follows him out with the slam of her door and she stays under her covers for a minute, head swarming with thoughts, before shaking it and then getting up, making her way to the bathroom. She quickly washes herself and goes through her morning routine before slipping into shorts and a t-shirt and stepping into her sneakers._

_She grabs an energy bar and then shouts out her farewells to her grandfather who is staring at them over the rim of his coffee mug._

_Ben drives her outside of Coruscant, the windows rolled down in his fancy car, the wind whipping her hair around and she relaxes in the passenger seat, watching the city pass her by. She lets her arm hang from outside the window and she moves her hand with the movement of the wind, fingertips grazing the invisible breeze as if she’s playing a piano. She eyes him out of the corner of her eyes, thankful for the sunglasses she snatched from the bowl next to the front door, and she memorizes the lines of his body, how relaxed he is on the open road, fingers playing a silent rhythm against the steering wheel. There is a light smile tugging on the corner of his lips and she grins. They don’t exchange words, he just drives and drives and drives until hours have passed and Rey’s ass is blissfully numb._

_Another city comes into view and he maneuvers the car expertly, knowing the streets probably as well as the ones back home. He comes up to a building, it looks new and shiny, cars that Rey has only ever drooled over parked in the underground parking garage that Ben brings his car into. “What is this place?” Rey asks him as soon as he cuts the engine._

_He gives her a smile that makes her heart jump and her knees weaken. He gives a little tug on her hand when she comes across a shiny red car and Rey knows every single spec about it. “Is that a-” She’s cut off by his fingers intertwining with hers and her eyes snap up to his. His eyes are staring at her intensely and Rey can feel her cheeks flame up quickly. She gives his hand a squeeze. “Who lives here?” She asks once they get into the elevator. She watches as he presses the eighth floor button and there is a heaviness in her stomach that wasn’t there before._

_“I do.”_

_Rey blinks. “I thought you lived in the dorms.” At least that’s what his parents said. It’s what he said when she first met him._

_[“So,” Rey says conversationally, when he’s finished telling her all about Coruscant. “You live across the street?”_

_“My parents live across the street.” He corrects. “I’m finishing up grad school at a University a few hours away from here so and I live in a dorm.”_

_“Didn’t want to stay in Coruscan? Tired of it already?”_

_He turns his head to look at her and the repressed bitterness in his eyes almost takes her breath away. “Tired of pretending to be someone I’m not.”]_

_“I used to.” He says. “But then I got a job at First Order Enterprise and well…I make good money and thought it was about time to get out of the dorms.”_

_She’s heard about First Order Enterprise. She’s heard about some guy named Snoke. Mostly from Han yelling about it._

_[“Your son is working for a monster, Leia!”_

_“He knows what he’s doing.”_

_“He’s a fucking kid playing with men with guns. Snoke is bad news. He’s using him and your son is too stupid to see that!”_

_“Han, what did you do? What did you say him?!”_

_“The truth!”]_

_He comes to a stop in front of 802 and unlocks it, letting Rey step in. She sucks in a deep breath. It’s immaculate. All black marble and dark cherry hardwood floor. He has a big screen television that Rey thinks would be a dream to watch soccer matches on. His furniture is a dark gray, his walls painted a stark white and for a moment she thinks she’s stepped into one of her dreams, where everything is in black and white. He pulls her down a hallway, telling her about the condo and how everything is state-of-the-art and she almost laughs at the bathroom, a bathtub taking up one corner and a large shower in the other corner, the toilet gleaming in its porcelain encasing. “That’s a big shower for one person.” She mutters._

_He gives her a wicked grin. “Who says I’ll be alone?”_

_There is a jealousy that rips through her body and it comes on so suddenly, so_ viciously _that she almost stumbles. She finds her throat burns at the thought of him with someone else and she thinks that she’s being stupid;_ of course _he’d be with someone else. Because she’s just a seventeen year old kid._

_Not recognizing her inner turmoil, and the fact that her eyes are suddenly starting to burn, he brings her to his room and his bed has black frames and black sheets (and everything is black in this place). His bureau is mahogany and like her, he has a desk and chair in his room, a sleek laptop resting atop the desk. Her eyes are drawn to the window and she makes her way towards it and he follows, closely behind her. She can see their reflection in the glass and eight stories is high enough to see the expanse of the city before her. It looks brilliant in the daylight and she thinks it could be breathtaking at night._

_“What do you think?” He asks her._

_She lifts her head and meets his eyes through the glass. He looks so earnest like this, like he’s waiting for her approval and with a heavy heart and clenched stomach, she gives him a tight smile. “It’s nice.”_

_His eyes lose a bit of color and his shoulders slump. “You don’t like it.”_

_She turns around and takes a step closer to him, until her chest is pressed against his. She tilts her head. “It’s very…black and white.” She admits. “Where’s the color, Ben?”_

_He gives her a chuckle and then gestures to his bedside table. She lets out a little laugh when she sees a picture of the two of them, taken just a few weeks ago at a soiree Anna Dameron threw._

_[“Smile, Ben!” Rey tells him as she wraps her arms around his waist, face resting against his heartbeat that picks up, outstretching her arm._

_“Rey, no.”_

_“Yes! Say you love me and fucking smile.”_

_He looks down at her and smiles but he doesn’t say_ I love you _._

_Rey pretends not to be disappointed._

_She prints it off and frames it, shoving it in his hands before he leaves. “For your dorm.”]_

_“You’re my color.” He tells her softly._

_She sucks in a deep breath and the air between them goes still and the way he’s looking at her makes her stomach tie in knots and her breath is starting to come out in little pants, the anticipation becoming too much, when his phone rings and she swears she can see his eyes harden as he steps away from her, dropping her hand that she didn’t even realize he was still holding all this time and she can see their fingers unlace, watch them go back to his side and all she wants to do is grab them again and feel his hand in hers. He grabs his cell-phone from his pocket. “What Hux?” He listens intently and Rey takes the time to look around his room and when it looks like he isn’t getting off the phone anytime soon, she leaves and looks around the rest of it._

_Ben is going to live here. He’s going to sleep here. He’s likely going to bring women over here and Rey grips the kitchen counter, biting her lip, counts to ten and then back to one._

_She wonders if anything would be different if she were older. He wouldn’t hesitate to kiss her, she thinks and she wouldn’t be so nervous to put her hands underneath his shirt, smoothing her palms across the planes of his chest. She wouldn’t be scared to moan when he would press himself against her and she would wrap herself around him so tightly she wouldn’t know where she’d begin and he would end. Her lip trembles and she rubs at her eyes._

_She wants him so fucking much it hurts. And the thing is, she wants all of him, all of his repressed anger, all his dreams, all the nightmares that haunt him and that he won’t tell her about. She wants his sarcastic humor, she wants the way he holds her hands, the way his heart feels and sounds underneath her ear. She wants the way he talks with his hands when he gets excited and the way his body is fucking lit when he becomes furious. She wants all of him and she’s terrified of him never wanting her back._

_She turns her head and frowns when she sees the intercom on the wall. She makes her way towards it, her finger reaching out and tracing the letters and words that she knows doesn’t make up his name. Maybe it was the previous owner, she thinks and he just didn’t have time to change it. But that doesn’t sound right because didn’t he say that he’s the first one to buy this place?_

_“Sorry about that. Hux is a piece of shit.”_

_She nods, not really paying attention. “Who is Kylo Ren?”_

_He doesn’t answer her, instead he grabs her around the waist and ushers her outside the door, locking it, “We’ve got to get back on the road if I’m getting you back home in time.”_

_She cocks an eyebrow. “In time for what?”_

_He gives her a shrug and reaches for her hand again, interlacing their fingers and Rey’s breath stutters. Her mind blanks and he starts talking about the little boutique restaurants around the city and Rey could listen to him recite the encyclopedia and still think it’s riveting so she pays attention and forgets that he didn’t really answer her question._

_[_ In time for what _happens to be a surprise birthday party and Finn and Jess have tackled her and there’s food and cake and presents and she’s laughing and crying a little bit._

_Later, Ben hands her a little box and when she opens it, her breath catches. He takes the necklace from her and gestures her to turn around and she does, feeling his fingers around her neck and doing the clasp. She runs her own fingers over the burning sun overlaying a crescent moon. “You’re the sun to my moon.” He whispers against her ear._

_She wants to tell him that she doesn’t want to be the sun to his moon because they never meet except for every once in a while for an eclipse that envelops the world in darkness and she would rather be the stars to his moon or something equally as cliché, except she can’t say anything because with a breeze, he’s gone, striding over to talk to Poe and she’s left with a thundering heart and Finn who slides up next to her, grabs her hand and tells her that_ everything is going to be okay _.])_  

* * *

 

Her grandfather drives her to the bus station, going through a list of things she needs to do.

 

_Call me when you get there._

_Call me when you get to Ben’s._

_Call me if you get sick._

_Call me if you can’t sleep._

_Call me if you get lost._

 

She smiles to herself and hugs her grandfather tightly. “I’ll call you everyday.” She promises.

 

He nods and smiles and watches her get on the bus with tears in his eyes.

 

For once, Rey is doing the leaving and it doesn’t feel good.

 

( _Come back,_ she remembers crying, _don’t go. Don’t leave me. Come back.)_  

* * *

 

The bus ride is long, but Rey leans her head against the window and watches as the scenery passes her by, slipping her earbuds into her ears and pressing play on her secondhand IPod.

 

_(“What is it?” Rey asks. She’s in Talia’s old room and Talia is on her bed, fingers skimming over the cool metal._

_“It’s an IPod.” Talia says, turning it around and frowning at the engraving on the back. “It plays music. I can get one of Tekka’s guys who knows electronics at the market to fix it up for me. They owe me a favor.” Talia grins at her. “We can finally listen to some music. It’ll just be between you and me.”_

_Rey shares in her brilliant smile.)_

 

Rey wipes at her eyes, silently cursing herself and sinks into the seat, listening to the sounds of songs she’s long since memorized echo in her ears and lull her into a sleep. 

* * *

 

Ben picks her up from the station and her smile is so wide she thinks it’ll split her face. He gives her a grin that she sees from her place on the platform and then she’s off, her duffle bag slapping against her side as she runs and runs and runs to the only person who can center her and create so much chaos inside of her. He catches her easily and hugs her tightly.

 

“How’re your ribs?”

 

She waves him off. “Fine. I told everyone I’m fine.”

 

“I keep forgetting how resilient you are.”

 

She shrugs and gets into his car. “It’s hard to break me, what can I say?”

 

(Except, it’s not that hard to break her at all.)

* * *

She calls her grandfather just like she promised.

 

And fights with Ben about taking the couch because she can actually fit on it and _don’t worry, if I get too uncomfortable, I’ll just sneak into your bed_.

 

Except she’s so tired and the couch is actually comfortable that she sleeps through the night.

 

She wakes up in the morning just slightly disappointed.

* * *

The sun is just starting to set and she’s in his room, taking his desk chair hostage as she shouts out questions at him from her calculus book. He sometimes leaves his spot on the bed, putting his laptop on it and makes his way over to her, caging her in and explaining it to her in her ear. She nods like she’s concentrating on his words and not on the fact that he’s breathing in her ear and it’s so fucking different than when Donovan tried and failed spectacularly.

 

She lets out a groan, slamming her calculus book closed and spins around in his chair to face him. He’s looking at her from his place on his bed, amusedly. His back is pressed against the headboard, long legs outstretched in front of him. His laptop is discarded on his bedside table and she tucks her legs underneath her. “I’m done for the day.”

 

“Are you understanding it a bit more?”

 

She nods. “Yeah, thanks.” She clears her throat and reaches back and undoes her three little buns, letting out a little moan of relief when her hair is loose around her shoulders and she runs her fingers through her hair, glancing at him. She can see his fists clench at his sides and she bites her lip. “Thanks for letting me crash here. I know you probably had plans-”

 

“I didn’t.” He admits.

 

“Then why didn’t you want to come home?”

 

He gives her a glance.

 

_(“You don’t understand!”_

_“Understand how you can work for a monster? You’re right, I don’t understand!” Han’s voice always echoes when he’s angry.)_

 

And she understands, bending her legs and putting her chin on her knees. “Any girls?” She asks, changing the subject, recognizing that the last thing he wants to do is talk about his parents. He knows where she stands on this subject.

 

_(“They’re here.” She snaps at him. “You’re parents are here and they give a shit about you. They didn’t leave you for some unknown reason in a desert where your life was miserable. You don’t…you have no idea…”_

_“Because you won’t_ say _anything.” He is close to her, too close and she’s having trouble breathing because all she smells is his cologne and something so intrinsically_ Ben _. “You won’t tell me anything. And having parents who are here but never here, isn’t something to be envious of.”_

_She lets out a small bout of laughter and it’s hollow and bitter and she thinks about Talia who Rey doesn’t know where she is, Roz, who she still doesn’t know what happened to, Dee who has probably all but forgotten about her and Gemma who is gone, gone, gone. [Her eyes always burn thinking about Gemma.] “You don’t…you have_ no _idea how lucky you are. I would…I would give_ anything _to just see them one more time…” Her voice breaks and she’s horrified to feel tears pool in her eyes and all the years of loneliness and feeling unwanted when the two people who were supposed to love her unconditionally, didn’t seem to love her at all, come rushing back to her. Her chest heaves and before she can turn and run, before she can turn and hide, she’s grabbed and pulled into a chest and she beats at it, struggling for him to let her go but the words won’t come out of her mouth and she’s tired and so very sad that she ends up hugging back, digging her fingers into his back and sobbing into his chest. “You don’t…you don’t…you don’t know. You don’t understand.”_

_“Tell me.” He begs, “Tell me._ Make _me understand.”_

_She’ll tell him eventually, Rey thinks, just not right now. Right now, she’s content in crying for those who were lost before her and those who will be lost after her.)_

 

She winces at her question.

 

He gives a bark of laughter. “I’m a bit too busy for women right now.” Ben Organa-Solo has a tell when he’s lying and it’s him not being able to look her in the eye. He’s doing that now and Rey lets the lie slide. He turns his head and looks at her after five seconds (and she knows because she counted). “Any boys?” He says it so conversationally and she would think he is actually interested in her answer, if it weren’t for the clenching and unclenching of his fists.

 

And if it weren’t for the fact that a couple months back, he was so close to beating the shit out of Donovan.

 

(Rey has spent entire nights lying awake and trying to remember the feeling of his hands on her skin, of the feeling of his fingertips across her nipples, of his fingers grazing the lace of her underwear, of his chest pressed against hers, of his lips hovering so close to hers. Rey has spent entire nights panicked at the thought of forgetting it all.)

 

“Nope.” She answers, popping the ‘p’ with a loud smack of her lips.

 

He shuffles and sits on the edge of his bed, hands reaching out and grabbing her chair, pulling it towards him, the wheels of the chair are pliable under his guidance and suddenly, he’s there, in front of her and close enough for her to touch. “And what about dickface?”

 

Rey rolls her eyes. “ _Donovan_ ,” She stresses his name, “That was…that was nothing.”

 

“Obviously, it was something. I didn’t know you were into blondes.”

 

“I’m not.” She answers quickly. “And he was just trying to prove something.” She regrets saying that as soon as it leaves her mouth because his eyes are narrowing and the leather of the chair creeks under his hands.

 

“What was there to prove?” He says tightly.

 

Rey has a tell when she’s lying too. It’s also not being able to look him in the eyes and it’s exactly what she does now. “Nothing.”

 

“Rey.”

 

“I swear, it’s…it was…it was something _stupid_.”

 

“ _Rey_. Why were you suddenly so eager to have someone not even worthy of you shove his fucking hand down your pants?”

 

She winces. “Drop it.”

 

“Rey, don’t make me-”

 

“ _Ican’tcome_.” She blurts out ( _ohgodwhatdidshejustdo?)_ and her face burns with embarrassment and shame and she just wants the floor to open up and swallow her whole. She chances a look at him because Rey is glutton for punishment and he’s still, shocked into place.

 

“What?”

 

She groans and blows a piece of her hair out of her face. “I was telling Jess in the locker room how I can’t…come and someone overheard and it was all over school and then Donovan said he could and honestly I didn’t really believe him and it was _stupid_ okay? But do you know how frustrating it is to touch yourself and not come?” She’s probably redder than a tomato at this point and Ben is staring at her, cheeks and the tips of his ears tinged pink. She’s _horrified_. “Oh my God. I…fuck…that wasn’t…you were never. I’m-”

 

“You’re doing it wrong.” Is what comes out of his mouth and he looks away from her.

 

Rey takes a breath, heart beating so loudly she thinks he can probably hear it and nods slowly. “Probably.” She rubs the back of her neck. “But it’s my deal so-”

 

“Show me.”

 

Rey blinks once, twice and then a third time for good measure. “ _What?”_

 

“Show. Me.” He says slowly, as if testing the words and testing the implication they have. “I can…I can teach you.”

 

Rey can feel her body trembling and she answers without thinking about the ramifications. “Okay.”

 

He lets out a deep breath. “Okay.”

 

(And down, down, down, the rabbit they both go.)

* * *

Her pants are off and she’s standing in front of him in her underwear and t-shirt, nerves clawing at her stomach and heart in her throat. She’s wearing a pair of plain black cotton underwear but the way he stares at her is as if she’s wearing lingerie. “How…how do you…want me?” She finishes lamely.

 

He grabs her hand, staring at them as he interlaces them and Rey’s breath catches as he shuffles back against his headboard and she follows suit, crawling towards him on her knees. She’s between his legs and he tells her in a hoarse voice to _turn around_ and she does, pressing her back against his chest. His hands flail for a moment before they rest on his knees that are bent, caging her in. She can feel him lean over, placing his head on her shoulder. His proximity is making her dizzy and her breath feels like it’s stuck in her chest. “If you don’t want to do this, we can forget-”

 

Her heart seizes in her chest, no. _No_. She doesn’t want to forget this. She doesn’t want to file this under another missed opportunity. A missed chance to have him so close to her. She shakes her head. “No. _No_.” She lets out a breathy laugh. “What do you want me to do now?”

 

“Show me how you touch yourself.” It’s a breathless whisper against her ear and Rey bites her lip, hands going to her underwear, underneath the cotton and with a shaky breath she rubs herself.

 

A hand grabs her wrist not even a few seconds later and her chin wobbles, chest clenching as she watches him tug her hand out of her pants. “You’re going too fast, too soon.” He tells her, his breath still hot against her ear. “You have to ease yourself into it. Touch your breasts, run your hands over your body.” He lets go of her wrist and she almost wants to yank him back into place.

 

“I’m going to have to take off my shirt then.” She tells him in the same breathless whisper, as if afraid that talking any louder will shatter whatever electricity is strumming around them.

 

She can feel him tense behind her and then she sees his hands moving to the hem of her t-shirt and she helps him take it off her body. She’s not wearing a bra and she nestles back against him, trying her best not to crane her head to see his expression. In the back of her mind, there is a little voice that is telling her this is a bad idea, that this can only end in misery, in a tragedy waiting to unfold but Rey shuts that little voice in the back of her mind off because she _can’t_ …she can’t stop.

 

She takes in another deep breath, feeling _his_ breath catch in his chest, sees the way his hands, back in their place on his knees clench and unclench. She follows his advice, running her hands over her neck; trailing her fingers along her collarbone, fingers tracing the outline of the necklace he gave her on her seventeenth birthday not too long ago. She closes her eyes, leans her head back against him and touches her breasts, cupping them like she’s read in the trashy romance novels Jess gives her. She runs her fingers over her nipples in the same way he did that day in the hallway outside her room. She can’t help the moan that comes out of her mouth and she feels herself get damp as she squeezes her breast and rubs her nipples.

 

“Go lower.” He says.

 

Rey nods, her hands leaving her breasts and down her ribs, tracing the top of her underwear.

 

“You can take them off, so they’re not in the way. If you want.” He offers her quietly, his breath is close to a pant now and Rey bites her lip, opening her eyes, tucking her thumbs underneath her underwear and pulling them down, shimmying against him, hearing him groan and bite back a curse as she shucks them off her legs and gets back into place. She’s naked now and her heart is still beating so rapidly, she’s afraid she’s going to go into cardiac arrest. Her body is aching and all she wants to do is forget about this whole experiment and have _Ben_ touch her. Have him place his hands on her and his fingers inside of her.

 

She feels him shift and push her forward. “Here.” He says and he moves from behind her and she mourns his warmth. “Lie back.” She does as he says and she bites her lip when she sees his erection straining against his pants. She’s almost gleeful that he’s as affected by this as she is. “Bend your knees, spread your legs.” She can see the tremors in her legs as he moves himself to the end of the bed, placing himself between her legs and he can _see everything_. She flushes and goes to close her legs, embarrassment and humiliation clinging to her but he puts his hands on her knees and shakes his head, eyes staring at her so intensely she thinks he could burn a hole right through her. “Don’t.” He says and it’s more a command and Rey can feel herself get more damp. “ _Fuck, Rey_.” He looks torn and before he can go back, before he can take this away from her, she slips her fingers down to her vagina, eyes fluttering shut as she caresses herself.

 

She can almost imagine him bending down and putting his mouth on her. She can almost imagine him replacing her fingers with his, touching her reverently. She lets out a breathy moan.

 

“Try putting your finger inside.” His voice is hoarse and Rey opens her eyes, nodding. Her finger goes in easily. “Move it in and out, not all the way out though.” She nods and does as he says, whimpering at the feeling of her finger inside of her. “Can you add another one?” He asks her gently and she doesn’t bother nodding, just inserts another finger and whimpers again, closing her eyes and arching her back. “Fuck.”

 

She wants him so fucking bad, it _hurts_. _She hurts_. “There’s going to be a spot that-”

 

Rey’s fingers touch something inside her, something that sends her back arching, mouth falling open and a distressed moan is torn from her throat. “ _Oh_.” Her body feels like it’s on fire, there’s something building in the pit of her stomach that she’s felt before but never on this scale and Rey opens her eyes, staring at Ben’s dark ones. “Ben.” She gasps. “ _Ben_.” Her fingers dip deeper, grazing that spot again and her eyes slam shut, hips grinding into her hands and into the mattress. Her free hand clings to the sheets and she bites her lip. “I’m…there’s…”

 

“Just let it go.” He soothes, his hands running up and down her legs. “Let it happen, Rey. _Fuck,_ you’re beautiful, you know that?” He takes a deep breath, hands running up her thighs, so very close to where her own hand is working to bring her toppling over an edge she didn’t know was even there. “Can you look at me? Rey, fuck, Rey, open your eyes, can you do that for me?”

 

She opens her eyes with a whimper, chest heaving, nipples hardened in arousal and sweat is starting to make her body shine but all she can concentrate is on _Ben_ who is staring her in the eyes, not anywhere else, just at _her_. She’s building and building and building towards a bliss she knows is coming, arching her back, whimpers and moans tearing from her throat until something explodes inside of her and she arches and stays there, hips stuttering and a loud cry ripping through her throat, leaving her raw.

 

Her body is heaving and shaking with tiny aftershocks and his hands are still on her thighs, still squeezing, slick with her sweat and she’s struggling to catch her breath, pulling her fingers out with an obscene squelch. For a moment, she almost thinks about wiping her fingers on the covers but then Ben has her wrist in one of his hands, (the other one still on her skin, rubbing soothing circles on her thighs, as if he can’t seem to not touch her and Rey never wants him to let go, never wants him to take away the feeling of his skin on hers), and his mouth is closing around her fingers and Rey lets out a breathy curse, looking at him with wide eyes. He closes his eyes as he runs his tongue over her fingers and Rey clenches the sheets beneath her.

 

She’s still trembling when he lets her fingers go and they’re both breathing hard, knowing that there is no way they’re coming back from this.

 

She bites her lip and looks at where his erection is straining. “Are you…aren’t you going to take care of that?”

 

He looks at her, breath coming from his nose. “Do you want me to?”

 

She nods.

 

(He offers her an inch and she takes a mile.)

* * *

He’s pulled off his shirt dropping it, along with his pants and socks on the floor and he’s next to her on the bed in his boxers. She’s on her side, not bothering to cover up as he lifts his hips and tugs his boxers down.

 

She sucks in a deep breath when she sees his cock. It’s hard and leaking and large. She swallows, thinking that he would tear her in two but _God,_ she’d take it. She’d take the pain if it were _Ben_ because she _knows_ , she just fucking _knows_ that he would kiss her until she felt only pleasure.

 

His hand is wrapped around the base and he’s groaning, turning his head towards hers and giving her an apologetic look. “I’m not going to last long.” She doesn’t really know what he means and doesn’t really care because he’s grasping himself and jerking himself off, eyes fluttering open and close and she’s enraptured at the way his cock disappears in his hands, enraptured in the way his breath catches and addicted to the way he groans. She can feel herself get wet again and she runs a hand down her body, familiar in the movements now and inserts a finger in her still wet vagina.

 

He opens his eyes at her moan and he lets out a curse so filthy it makes her blush. “Rey.” He moans. “Fuck. You have…God… _Rey_.”

 

She wants to cry at what she’s feeling, wants to fucking scream to the sky that she is making him into a stuttering mess but she _can’t_ , all she can do is stare at him stare at her. She can see his hand grip himself harder and the sound of him jerking off should be crude but somehow it’s not and all she wants to do is reach out and touch him and without realizing it, her free hands traces over his knuckles and he opens his eyes again, eyes searching hers desperately and he nods and she wraps her free hand around his, witness to his movement and her fingers moves faster inside of her, searching for the spot that sent her into an incoherent mess and Ben lets out a groan and she lets out a breathy, _Ben, please_ and suddenly she’s on her back, her hand falling from his cock and he’s atop of her, one hand bracing himself by one side of her head, his fingers brushing her cunt as he grabs her hand again and places it where it once was and she lets out a cry as her hand, in tangent with his, pumps his cock. He’s breathing hard, body pressing into hers, mimicking the movements of sex and she’s throbbing so fucking badly. She inserts another finger inside of her, pressing against that spot inside of her and she’s sent flying over the edge for the second time, arching her back again, feeling the tip of his cock brush against her open lips and she sobs with pleasure and she can hear him grunt, “Fuck, Rey. You’re _so_ beautiful. Fuck. _Fuck.”_ And he’s groaning, the line of his back taut like a bowstring, a sticky substance is coating her stomach and before she can moan again, his lips cover hers, kissing her like he’s devouring her, tongue pressing against hers and she’s kissing him back, sticky fingers cradling his face, wrapping around his neck and she thinks she’s sobbing into his mouth, saliva following them as they separate.

 

She’s breathing heavily, tears stinging her eyes, overwhelmed with emotion and she feels the bed shift, feels his body sink next to her and she turns her head, not really knowing what to say but he’s staring at her, still so intensely and then he leans forward, pressing his lips to hers gently this time, as if apologizing for kissing her for the first time like a savage.

 

(But doesn’t he _know_ by now? She’ll take his savageness just as eagerly as she’ll take his gentleness.)

 

He cradles her face, pulling her close, tongue probing hers, tracing her mouth until she thinks they’re one and the same. When breathing becomes an issue, he pulls away, pressing his forehead against hers. The air is static around them and his hands drift from her face to her breast, fingers grazing her nipples and her breath hitches, breathing out and begging him for more. “ _Ben.”_ She pleads. “Ben, _please_. I…I want you _so much_.”

 

He presses his lips against her again, this time even softer. “Soon.” He promises.

 

“Tomorrow?” She asks with a laugh, arching her eyebrow.

 

“Fuck, Rey. You’re still seventeen. I shouldn’t have…Fuck, what we did…”

 

“ _Don’t_.” she snaps. “Don’t make excuses. _I_ wanted this. Ben, I’ve wanted you for _so fucking long_.” Her confession feels raw to her. It feels like she’s tearing herself open in front of him and he moans, kissing her again and she follows headfirst because she’s become addicted to his kisses.

 

He looks down at her stomach and his eyes darken as he curses and gets out of bed, pulling on his boxers and entering the bathroom.

 

Rey looks at the ceiling, catching her breath and tracing her lips, mind blissfully blank. She looks at Ben when he comes back in the room with a wet towel and she sucks in a breath as the warm moist towel is pressed against her stomach, wiping away his come from her stomach. He tosses the towel in the hamper and he goes to the other side of the bed, opening the covers and gesturing for her to get in.

 

She doesn’t bother grabbing her t-shirt; pressing her naked body against his, head against his chest, right above his heart. His hands are running through her hair and she presses soft kisses to his chest.

 

“You’re going to be the death of me, Rey.” He mumbles sleepily.

 

She props her head against his chest and watches as he drifts off, before pressing a kiss to his lips. “I think I’ve been in love with you since the day I met you.” She confesses. Then she places her head back in its former place and closes her eyes, fingers tracing shapes against his chest until it goes limp and she falls asleep. 

* * *

 

That night, Rey dreams in a kaleidoscope of colors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .....whew. I'm seriously that was good for you guys...? Smut scenes are always so awkward to write and I hope I did it justice! I would love love love to know what you guys think! THANK YOU AGAIN SO MUCH FOR ALL OF YOUR SUPPORT! IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME!


	4. This is heaven to no one else but me (and I’ll defend it as long as I linger)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS. LIKE I CAN'T EVEN WITH YOU ALL. THANK YOU SO SO MUCH. The response to the previous chapter was amazing and literally reduced me to tears. It means so much to me! THANK YOU A MILLION TIMES OVER. There is some sexy times in here again, so please proceed accordingly. The novel referenced is Peter Pan by JM Barrie and the title comes from Sarah McLachlan's song 'Elsewhere'. Also, we finally get the names of Rey's parents and they might surprise you guys...? Like...don't hate me too much?
> 
> Seriously though, thank you all so much. I hope you enjoy!

When Rey wakes up, she wakes up to the sun playing against her eyelids and for one horrible moment, she thinks she’s back in Jakku. But the bed beneath her is too soft for Jakku and the covers are too silky for Jakku and she’s naked. She’s disoriented and tries to think about _why_ she’s naked until she feels the bed move with jerky movements and she cracks an eye open, noticing his bare back and she stops herself before she sucks in a deep breath.

 

Everything is replaying in her mind, in stilted motion, like those silent films he’s made her watch on more than one occasion.

 

_(“Ben.” She stops in the middle of the street, throwing him a glance. “Why are we watching this again?”_

_“Because cinema has gone down hill in the past two decades and before Jessika and Finn and God knows who else demand that you watch movies that make me want to gouge my eyes out, we’re going to binge these.”_

_“But they don’t have words.” She’s saying this slowly, as if he’ll realize she’s steps away from being tortured._

_“Rey.” He says, as he stops, turning around to face her. His face is neutral but that’s a given. His facial features never give way to anything. It’s his eyes that speak volumes. His eyes that say everything and it’s his eyes that people never seem to look at, seemingly missing everything he isn’t saying. “Look, if you really don’t want to watch them, I can take you back home but I figured…I don’t know, I thought you’d appreciate it.”_

_She’s staring at him, assessing him and she picks at the loose thread in her torn jeans. Leia and Anna told her that they’d take her shopping and Jess jumped at the chance to come along [“Given the chance,” Jess says, making faces at the two older women, “They’d put you in a nun’s habit, as requested by your grandfather, probably.” Jess got a swat over the head from her mother for that one]. She sighs, “This is important to you, isn’t it?”_

_He shrugs, not denying and not confirming it, but he shifts from one foot to the other and looks everywhere but at her, afraid that if he does, she’ll know every little secret he thinks he keeps hidden from her._

_“Lead the way.”_

_She follows him into the old, worn down theatre and he buys her popcorn and she’s gobbling it up, eyes fixated on the screen swathed in black and white and it reminds her so much of her dreams that it doesn’t matter that there aren’t any words because it’s all there on their faces; their heartaches, their anguish, their anger, everything is laid bare for the audience to see and words have never been needed less than they are in that moment and it moves her so much, tears are trickling down her cheeks when the credits roll. “It’s beautiful.” She gushes to him, turning her head to stare at Ben._

_“It is.” He’s not looking at the screen though; he’s staring at her.]_

 

She remembers her breathy sighs and moans and she remembers her needy whimpers from the night before. She remembers the feel of his hands on her skin. She remembers the way he hovered over her. She remembers being brought to orgasm under his eyes but that’s nothing to way her body responds to remembering his kiss. The kiss that sends her body temperature up and sends her mind reeling.

 

She can hear him grunt, the slapping of skin on skin echoing in the room and she carefully moves from her position, getting on her knees and crawling over to him, pressing her breasts to his back, arms wrapping around his waist, fingers splaying across his abs. She tucks her head over his shoulder and watches him jerk off. He grunts when she presses a soft kiss to his neck.

 

She moves her right hand from his abs to his thigh, letting it rest and feeling the muscles coil underneath her palm. She doesn’t move it, suddenly afraid that she’ll be denied and _God_ , she never thought about the _morning after_. She never thought about everything that would come _afterwards_ , too lost in her desires, in her lust, in how much she fucking loves this man before her, to think about the consequences.

 

“Rey.” Ben groans and he takes her hand, placing it above his and she moves with him, panting in unison and she’s still pressing kisses to his neck, morning breath be damned and he feels hard and soft at the same time and it’s such a contradiction that she’s dizzy, laying her head against his shoulder, biting him lightly.

 

“Ben, can I…?”

 

He turns his head, just a little bit, until she sees his glassy eyes and she sucks in a deep breath, straightening her shoulders and moving from her position behind him, to in front of him, on her knees, between his legs. He lets out a curse and she gives him a nervous smile. “I’ve never…” Her cheeks are flaming red and she shouldn’t have said anything, should have just kept silent but she’s starting to get wet again and she needs to do _something_ other than undulate against his back.

 

He nods eagerly and moves his hands. She bunches her hair in one hand, pulling it over one shoulder and lowers her mouth to his cock, eyes on him. She’s read enough romance novels (and there was that one time Finn accidently clicked on a porn site on his laptop that sent them into ruckus laughter) to somewhat (maybe) know what she’s doing. She swipes her tongue over the tip of him and he groans and she can _feel_ it. She doesn’t take her eyes off of him, when she takes him in her mouth, her left hand coming up to grip what she doesn’t take into her mouth, when he pulls it towards his cock, showing her just what he likes and her right hand is drifting down her stomach, touching her folds and inserting a finger, remembering the motions from last night.

 

It’s not too long into it, when he pulls her head back, eyes blazing. “Rey, I’m going to come and I can either come in my hands or in your mouth. Your choice.”

 

She nods, not really thinking about it but letting her body move for her and she’s lowering her mouth back to his cock and he growls, fisting her hair and pumps his hips into her mouth, she almost gags a few times and he hisses when her teeth scrape him but she’s quick to remedy that, wrapping her tongue around him. Her fingers are still inside her, thrusting in time with his thrusts and she whimpers around him, breathing through her nose and he tightens his grip on her hair and there’s a salty substance that coats her mouth and she swallows, almost choking at the amount she takes in. When he’s limp in her mouth, pliant body heaving, she takes her mouth off of him, with a loud pop, sitting back on her haunches, swallowing the rest of his come, wiping what is dribbling down her chin with the back of her hands.

 

She peers at him through hooded eyes, fingers stilling inside of her. “Ben.” She whimpers and he’s sinking down on his knees, ignoring the wood hard against their aching joints. He pulls her towards him, hands splaying across her back, rubbing soothing circles against her burning skin. “You close?”

 

She nods, whimpering into his chest as she clenches around her fingers, starting the movements again. He kisses her neck, tongue running against the salt of her skin and tipping her head up, kissing her filthily and demandingly, tongue thrusting in and out of her mouth in tune to the rhythm of her fingers and the hand that isn’t cradling the back of her head, runs a burning path down her body, between her legs and she can feel his hand shaking as he cups her, trapping her fingers between his hand and inside her cunt and she rears up, mouth tearing away from his to let out a needy whimper and when his fingers move, just the slightest of inches so that he’s barely grazing her swollen clit, she lets out a cry, his action robbing her of her breath and within seconds, she’s falling apart, another cry falling from her as she sinks against him.

 

She’s coming down from her high, breath ghosting over his chest as she pulls her fingers from her, grazing his as they both struggle to catch their breaths and their arms fall to their respective sides, her breasts pressed against his chest, nipples hardened. She lets out a little giggle. “Good morning.”

 

He kisses her temple, doesn’t say anything and instead, lets the rising sun do the talking for them. 

* * *

 

They haven’t really talked about it. About _anything_ really. He’s serious about her calculus struggles and she tries her best to concentrate but all she can think about is his body next to hers, all she can think about is his face when he comes and she doesn’t want to leave him. Doesn’t want to leave this moment where they exist and the rest of the world doesn’t.

 

She really only has one more full day, her bus leaving early Monday morning and he hasn’t broached her about the subject once.

 

So, it’s conceivable, at least to her, that she’s angry. And hurt. Her heart feels like it’s breaking when he says goodnight and makes his way to his room, shutting the door behind him and she blinks away the tears at his blatant rejection. Her chest hitches, lips trembling as she settles onto the couch, teeth making bite marks into her knuckles as she stifles her sobs while attempting to fall asleep, despite the aching hole in her chest.

 

_(“Teedo is gentle.” Gemma says quietly, fingers plucking threads at her blanket._

_Talia snorts, wincing as the gesture stretches the bruise blooming on her cheek._

_[“Tal!” Dee says, her little voice shrill, “What happened?”_

_Talia’s eyes are dark and Gemma and Roz are looking at her worriedly as she hobbles up the stairs, wincing with every step. Gemma and Roz are at her side in an instant, arms going around her and Rey hurries to open the covers on Talia’s old bed when Roz gestures to it with her head. “Nothing, Dee. Don’t worry about it.”_

_“But-”_

_“Dee,” Rey says quietly, “Why don’t we go to our room and read one of the books you found?”_

_Dee nods eagerly._

_“Read it to me.” Talia says, her voice tight and almost desperate as Gemma drags her to the bathroom, bypassing the bedroom for now. “I’m just going to get cleaned up but I want you guys to read it to me. To us. It’ll be like a slumber party.”_

_“Talia-” Roz starts, her blue eyes running over her. “Maybe you should-”_

_“Don’t.” Talia says icily and it’s the first and only time Talia will use this tone with them. “Tell me what I should do. Okay, Roz?”_

_Roz blinks and looks down, nodding her head._

_Talia curses and stumbles to the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind her._

_Gemma claps her hands once, “Right. Well, you heard her, get the book and come into our room.”_

_Talia emerges ten minutes later, dressed in loose pajamas from one of the older boys in the house and she’s helped into her bed by Gemma and Roz, grabbing Rey’s hand and pulling her down beside her._

_“Aren’t I hurting you?” Rey asks._

_She feels Talia shake her head._

_Dee frowns. “I can’t read.” She admits._

_Gemma snorts, ruffling Dee’s blonde locks and grabs the book from her, clearing her throat and waiting for Roz to get comfortable in her own bed, waiting for Dee to find a position she likes against Gemma’s body and waiting for Talia to stop fidgeting, before she takes a deep breath and starts to read, “_ All children, except one, grow up…” _]_

_Dee is asleep and Rey is drifting off into sleep, black and white visions of lost boys and mermaids and fairies drifting across her eyelids when she hears Gemma’s whisper._

_“Not all of us can be so lucky.” Talia responds, her voice hard._

_“What can we do?”_

_“Nothing.” Talia snaps, her arms tightening around Rey’s waist. “Don’t do a fucking thing or Plutt will put you down there or worse. Just…” She trails off and tucks her head in Rey’s shoulder and Rey feels hot tears sting her skin. “I_ hate _them. I hate them_ so much _.”_

_At first, Rey thinks Talia means the people who hurt her. As Rey gets older and she doesn’t know where Talia is, doesn’t know what happened to Roz, Dee has probably forgotten the girl with brown hair and hazel eyes who shared her room with her and Gemma is gone, gone, gone (Rey’s eyes always burn thinking about Gemma), Rey knows she meant her parents who one day decided they didn’t want a child anymore and left Talia to her fate with Plutt._

_[“What did Gemma mean that Teedo is gentle with her?”_

_Talia chokes and narrows her eyes at Rey, the next morning when Rey is helping her down the stairs. “Eavesdropping?”_

_Rey blushes and shrugs._

_“You’re too young.”_

_“It’s sex, isn’t it?” Rey is full of confidence she doesn’t have yet._

_“What do you know about sex, little one?” Talia’s voice is teasing but is hard and maybe a little bit worried._

_“I don’t.” Rey admits. “But…it’s supposed to be like that, right? Gentle?”_

_Talia is silent for a while until she gets to the kitchen and makes her way to the basement door. She looks at her and nods slowly, eyes filling with dread and emptying before Rey’s eyes. “If you’re lucky.”_

_“And…if I’m not?” Rey doesn’t really understand what she’s asking and maybe she is younger than she thought she was when Talia laughs and it’s bitter and hollow, just like her eyes._

_“Then you’re like me.”_

_Talia opens the doors and starts walking down the stairs, shutting it with a forceful slam when she’s able to.])_

She spends the next hour wiping her face and sniffling until Ben’s bedroom door opens and she hears his footsteps slapping against the hardwood floor, coming to a stop in front of her. He takes a seat on the coffee table in front of her and Rey refuses to look at him.

 

“Rey.” He breathes out.

 

She doesn’t let him finish. “Oh, _now_ you want to talk?” Her voice croaks and she curses herself.

 

“I thought…if I didn’t…” He sighs in frustration, running a hand through his hair. “Do you have any idea what you do to me?”

 

“Do _you_ have any idea what _you’re_ doing, what _you’ve_ done to _me_?” She retorts, almost desperately, bringing her legs down in front of her, sitting up and scooting to the edge of the couch, itching to look at him. The moonlight and city lights illuminate him and he looks as devastated and torn as she feels. “Ben, don’t…don’t turn away from me. Don’t ignore me. I can’t…I can’t…don’t…”

 

_(Come back_ , she remembers crying, _don’t go. Don’t leave me. Come back.)_

 

“I don’t know what I’m doing. Here. Right now. With you.” He admits, running a hand through his hair in nervousness.

 

She reaches for his hand and interlaces their fingers and almost rejoices when he squeezes her hand. “Neither do I…but I know I don’t want to do this with anyone else other than you.” Her face is burning with her admission.

 

He leans forward, breathing caressing her face as he sinks into the couch next to her and she cuddles into him and when that’s not close enough, she straddles him, legs cradling the outside of his thighs and pressing herself against him, kissing him, pouring her emotions and her fears and her elation into the kiss and he kisses her back, gripping her like he doesn’t want to let go.

 

She tears her lips from his, lets out a moan and rocks her hips into his, both groaning at the contact. His hands shoot to her hips and hold her there, easing her into a motion that lets slides over his growing erection, until he stops moving her and she’s rocking into him on her own accord, both of them moaning and sighing messes. His hands leave her waist, trailing up her shirt, grazing her nipples that sends shocks up and down her spine and she’s arching her back, tilting her hips and pressing herself closer to him and he’s grabbing the back of her head, kissing her and lifting his hips in a desperate attempt at _something_.

 

(Everything about this, everything about them, reeks of desperation and wanting but never actually having.) And God, what happens _after_ this weekend? What happens when she leaves and he forgets all about the seventeen year old inexperienced girl who basically throws herself at him and cries when she gets rejected by him? Her heart clenches at the thought of drifting into the distant part of his mind. She doesn’t want to be his second or last thought. She wants to be his only thought.

 

“Ben.” She breathes against his lips, panting and hurtling towards something not quite as intense as her previous orgasms but still there nonetheless. “Ben.”

 

His hands reach for her waist again, twisting and turning until her back is sinking into the couch and he’s wrapping her legs around his waist, his hands palming her bare legs from her hiked up pajama shorts and suddenly he’s _there_ , pressing against her and she can _feel_ him and she throws her head back, trying to imagine what it would feel like without any barriers and he’s latching onto her collarbone, sucking marks into her skin that feel like brands more than anything and he’s thrusting into her, staring at her through the fringes of his hair and she’s holding onto his shoulders, arching her back as she comes apart. He’s still thrusting, once, twice and then a third time, before he stills and it’s like yesterday all over again and the line of his back tenses and he groans, arching his back.

 

He looks beautiful like this, shrouded in the moonlight, living in the darkness, eyes screwed shut in pleasured anguish. He collapses against her, dampness between them and he is nibbling at her thundering pulse point and she’s sighing, hands curling at the nape of his neck, twirling his hair through her fingers and massaging his scalp. “What are you doing to me, Rey?”

 

She’s too breathless to answer him back so she presses a kiss to his temple and wraps herself tighter against her, silently begging him not to move. 

* * *

 

“What if I told you to touch me?” She whispers against his lips, his hands plucking at her nipples, tongue soothing them afterwards. She’s mewling, legs spread and cradling him.

 

“I an touching you.” He replies.

 

She shakes her head and pulls his head away from her breasts. “No.” She says, looking at him with knowing eyes. “What if I told you, begged you, to _touch_ me?”

 

He takes a moment and then he groans, shaking him head, hovering above her, his forearms straining. “Don’t ask me that. Not now.”

 

“When?” She’s not kicking a fuss, she’s not, but _God_ , she wants him so fucking bad that she aches and all she wants is for him to slip inside her and show her the colors her dreams are now made of.

 

He kisses her lips and the kiss is full of promise. “Soon.” He hesitates when he pulls away from her. “Will you wait for me?”

 

She nods, afraid that if she opens her mouth, she’ll tell him that she’ll wait after forever for him.

* * *

At the bus station, he presses a kiss to her forehead and then to her temple and she holds onto him tightly, tears stinging her eyes.

 

He walks her to the bus, hand clasping hers and he walks her up the stairs, refusing to left go of her hand until the very last second and she turns around staring at him with hazel eyes shining bright with unshed tears. She doesn’t say anything, afraid that if she does, she’ll end up sobbing, so she tells him everything with her eyes.

 

_Don’t forget me. Don’t forget me. Don’t forget me. Don’t hurt me._

 

_I won’t,_ he promises, _I won’t._

 

(But Rey finds that promises were made to be broken.)

* * *

Her grandfather is at the bus station to pick her up and he hugs her tightly, pressing her against his chest and Rey clings to him.

 

He pulls her away from him and gives her a once over, eyes frowning and clouding over. She shifts uncomfortably in front of him and tugs her sweater closer to her body, wondering if he can see through her mind, wondering if he can see the marks that discolor her skin underneath the baggy and heavy sweater. She wonders if he knows that his granddaughter has been debauched and that she aches for more. He sucks in a deep breath, nodding at something she doesn’t know and gives her a sad smile, cradling her face with his hands. “You look like her.” He says quietly and she can barely hear him over the hustle and bustle of the station. “Your mother. You look like her.”

* * *

Finn and Jess come over an hour after she arrives and Jess tackles her and talks a mile a minute and Rey _missed_ her. She missed Jess’ warmth and the way her nose would crinkle as she rolled her eyes.

 

“So,” She asks, “Did Ben take you to any fancy restaurants for Thanksgiving?”

 

Rey shakes her head, putting away her clothes, her back turned to them. “No. We…we just stayed in and worked on calculus.”

 

Her head lifts and she catches Finn’s eyes in the mirror. She blushes and drops her head back down and when she looks back up, Finn is still looking at her like he’s worried about her.

* * *

Finn stays late into the night. He’s braced against her bed, body planted on the floor and she’s draped across her bed, head close to his shoulder. “What did I miss?” Rey asks.

 

“Poe came to surprise his parents for Thanksgiving.” There is something strange in his voice and Rey straightens her back.

 

“I’m sorry I missed him. I would have loved to see him.”

 

“Anna took enough pictures to last you until _at least_ Christmas.” Finn jokes, rubbing the top of his head and Rey grabs his hand, clinging it to it tightly. He lets out a breath of laughter and squeezes her hand tightly. “I think I’m in love.” He admits.

 

“With Poe?” Rey probes gently.

 

Finn nods, looking at her with eyes so lost, her heart aches for him. “How can I love someone who isn’t here half the time?”

 

Rey blinks and presses a kiss to his temple. “Sometimes you just do until the day he realizes that you’ve been in front of him the whole time.”

 

He gives her a grin that isn’t all there. “Is that what happened between you and Ben?”

 

Rey blushes and hides her head in her arms.

* * *

Rey aces the calculus test and when she gets her mark back, she snaps a photo and sends it to Ben.

 

He replies with a _that’s my girl_ and Rey has a stupid smile on her face the entire day.

* * *

Christmas comes upon them quicker than she thought it would and soon enough, she’s helping her grandfather with the tree and making gingerbread cookies and the house smells like ginger and pine.

 

_(“It’s Christmas.” Roz says, looking at the calendar when they’re in the kitchen._

_Every Christmas Eve, Plutt goes to the only bar in town and drinks until he can’t stand and doesn’t come back to the Home until Boxing Day. There is a sense of relief throughout the house as the kids come out of their rooms, crowding the kitchen and living room. Their voices fill the house and Talia creeps up from the basement, two small packages in her hands. When everyone isn’t looking, she presses one of them into Dee’s hands, a finger over her mouth and Dee’s eyes bulge as she runs upstairs and Talia gestures for Rey to follow and Rey obeys, following Talia as she makes her way up the stairs, sometimes leaning against Rey, sometimes not and hands her the box. “It’s not much.” Talia warns her._

_Rey holds it with trembling hands and she opens it and there’s a slightly rusted bracelet made of stars._

_“I know you like the sky and stuff.”_

_Rey blinks away tears. “I didn’t…I didn’t get you anything.”_

_“And you won’t.” Talia replies, softly but quickly. “I just…I saw it and thought of you. I gave Roz and Gemma their gifts yesterday afternoon but I didn’t see you or Dee.” She shrugs and wraps her arms around Rey, pulling her in close. “Merry Christmas, Rey.”_

_“Merry Christmas, Talia.”_

_[Rey keeps the bracelet safe in the box and in her bedside drawer. When the house is raided and Dee and Rey are escorted out, she forgets the bracelet in the bedside drawer and she rails and cries against Leia, begging to let her go back for it. Leia tells her that she can’t do that but she can make sure that they get it for her._

_It’s with a heavy heart that Leia tells Rey that her people couldn’t find it and Rey feels like the biggest failure.]_

_Talia grins at her and she looks younger here, smiling like she doesn’t have a care in the world. “Come on.” She says, gesturing Rey back down the stairs and yelping as Dee collides into her legs, thanking her a million times over for her headband, “Gemma managed to talk Teedo into stealing some gingerbread cookies and one of the older boys got a fake little tree with some ornaments.”_

_They walk downstairs and Roz is grinning at them, mouth full of gingerbread cookies and Gemma is laughing, head tilted back and the other kids are running around, singing Christmas carols that they don’t quite know and the older boys are lounging and sometimes arguing. Talia pushes Rey and Dee towards Gemma and Roz and Roz has her arms around Dee and Gemma pulls Rey into her side, wrapping an arm around her waist, talking to Talia above Rey’s head._

_Rey looks around then, looks around at the smiling faces and at the carefree expressions on everyone’s faces and thinks that this could be the best Christmas she ever has.)_

 

Christmas Eve arrives and everyone is going to be coming over to her grandfather’s house and before they start arriving and the house smells like food, Christmas and home, her grandfather tells her that her present is _upstairs and join an old man, will you?_

 

She nods, following him up the stairs, wondering what else he could do for her.

 

_[“Rey!” Her grandfather calls out earlier that day. “Can you come here? There’s someone who would like to say hello.”_

_Rey rinses her hands, pops a few grapes in her mouth and makes her way to the living room. Her grandfather is staring at the screen and his eyes are lit with mirth and as she makes her way towards him, she stifles a gasp, grabbing the screen with her hands. “Dee!”_

_“Merry Christmas, Rey!” Dee yells into the screen._

_She looks healthy, her blonde hair glowing and her eyes full with happiness. She’s filled out, no longer gaunt with lack of food but healthy look. She spies a short older woman in the background. “Rey, this is Maz, she’s my mom.” Rey’s eyes burn at that and she nods, pushing down the irrational jealousy that courses through her. Dee isn’t hers. Dee was never hers but she will always be the little girl that Rey shared a room with and when her nightmares became too much, she’ll always be the little girl who curled into Rey’s bed. “I miss you Rey!”_

_“I miss you too, Dee.” Rey says, her throat burning. “How are you? How is everything? How’s Takodana?”_

_Dee grins. “It’s beautiful and so green. Rey, everything is so green! You have to come visit. Say you’ll come visit! I miss you so_ so _much! And look!” She bends her head and Rey can see the fading purple headband adorning her head. “I’m wearing the headband Talia gave me!”_

_“You look beautiful.” Rey responds. “Are you…are you happy?”_

_Dee nods vigorously. “So so happy.” Her voice lowers and she looks at her through the screen. “Are you happy?”_

_Rey nods, thinking of her grandfather, Jess, Finn, Leia, Han, the Dameron’s and Ben. But then her mind turns to Talia who Rey doesn’t know where she is, Roz who she still doesn’t know what happened to, Dee who is so happy in a place that is so green and bright just like her and Gemma who is gone, gone, gone. [Rey’s eyes always burn thinking about Gemma]. “Yeah,” she replies, wiping at her face. “I’m very happy too.”)_

 

They make their way up the stairs, past her grandfather’s room and Rey’s breath hitches when they come to stand in front of her mother’s old room. She looks at her grandfather and he gives her a nod and it’s all Rey needs as her hands clamber for the doorknob and she turns it, pushing the door open.

 

It’s cleaner than she expected it to be. Only a thin sheet of dust lining the bureaus in the room.

 

There is a bookcase alongside the wall and Rey wanders over to it, fingers tracing the familiar and unfamiliar titles. There are pictures that Rey is drawn to. Pictures of an older woman that Rey has only ever seen in the living room and who she know is her deceased grandmother (and she thinks that this is something her mother and Rey have in common. From the stories her grandfather has told her, her grandmother died when Rey’s mother was a baby. Rey’s mother never knew her own mother and Rey never knew hers.) There are pictures of her mother as a young girl, and Rey almost starts crying as she traces the photos because her grandfather is right, she _looks like her_. In one of the pictures, her mother is standing on a dock, hand clutching a man who both looks and doesn’t look like a younger version of her grandfather.

 

There is a poster of a ballet production of _Swan Lake_ and _Sleeping Beauty_ and _Romeo and Juliet_ and other ballets and she wonders if her mother danced or was just a fan? What was her favorite production? What music did she listen to? What was her favorite book? Her favorite color?

 

_(How did you meet my father? Why did you leave me?)_

 

There is another picture of her mother, in a dirty and sweaty uniform, looking tired but happy as she’s hefted on the shoulders of someone of her teammates, a trophy raised in her hands and this time Rey can _feel_ the tears stream down her face because this is another thing she and her mother apparently have in common. Both of them played soccer and she wonders what her mother would be like if she was around to attend her games. Would she drag her father along? Would they coach her? Would they be her biggest fans? Would they watch matches together? Would they ever think about leaving her? _(Why did you leave me?)_

 

She opens drawers and sees some of them empty and some of them still holding clothes that are decades old.

 

It overwhelms Rey. Seeing the life her mother had and the life she obviously left and she still doesn’t know _why_ , still doesn’t know the whole story and it’s on the tip of her tongue to ask her grandfather, to pry the answer from his lips but he looks weary as he sits on the empty bed.

 

“I clean this room every week.” He tells her. “I thought…when she left that she would like it to be the same when she came back.”

 

He says _when_ , not _if_ and Rey has a vision of her grandfather dusting and sitting, waiting patiently for the daughter who ran away to come back.

 

But she never did and she can almost imagine his sadness as seconds bled to minutes, minutes into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, weeks into months and months into years.

 

He sighs, tears pooling in his eyes as he opens a bedside drawer and pulls out another picture, this one framed as he hands it to Rey.

 

She sees her mother, face beaming, eyes bright even though the photo is starting to lose its color, with a baby in her arms and Rey jolts realizing that the baby is _her_ (and she has _so_ many questions she needs answered), next to her mother stands a tall man with dark hair and hazel eyes, twinkling with mischief. He has a moustache, arms heavily tattooed, with one arm wrapped around her mother’s shoulders and the other protectively splayed against Rey’s stomach. He has a strong jaw, _her_ jaw, Rey realizes and she sniffles, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. “My dad?” Rey asks. Her grandfather nods, looking at her carefully. “Was he…were they…was he a good person? Were they happy?”

 

He hesitates to answer and Rey feels her stomach clench. “They loved each other very much.”

 

Rey blinks. “What…I mean…what were their names?” She almost laughs, thinking how she thinks about these people _everyday_ and doesn’t still even _know their names_.

 

Her grandfather swallows and traces the faces in the photo in her hands. “Your mother’s name was Zannah and your father…your father’s name was Bane.”

 

She nods, smiling through her tears and throws her arms around her grandfather. “Thank you,” she breathes. “ _Thank you_.”

 

He doesn’t say anything, even though she knows that he’s biting his tongue, wanting to say a thousand things he’s unable to say.

* * *

The Organa-Solo family aren’t there yet and when Mace comes in, with Finn in tow, he shakes his head. “You can hear them yelling from outside.”

 

Rey’s breath catches and when a few minutes pass and the anxiety becomes too much, Rey slips outside and across the street, arms crossing over her chest. She’s about to knock on the door when it rips open and Han is staring at her, mouth open. He shakes his head and laughs without any humor. “Save yourself, kid. He’s lost.”

 

“Han.” Luke says gently, coming up to the front door, eyeing Rey with a tired smile and tired eyes. “Let’s go to Obi-Wan’s. Merry Christmas, Rey. Don’t…I’ll let your grandfather know where you are, since I’m assuming you didn’t tell him.”

 

Rey flushes.

 

“ _Kylo Ren_!” She hears Han explode. “ _Kylo Ren?!_ ”

 

She meets Leia on the stairs from the basement and the older woman who has done so much for her grabs her by the arms. “Rey…” Her voice is tight and sorrowful. “Be careful.”

 

_(“Who is Kylo Ren?”)_

 

Rey doesn’t say anything, afraid that if she does, she’ll let it slip that she doesn’t think Ben would ever hurt her when he so obviously has no problem hurting his parents. Rey nods and makes her way down the stairs, standing in front of a familiar door.

 

She doesn’t bother knocking, instead opening the door and bracing herself for the destruction awaiting her. She isn’t surprised when the room in a chaotic mess, books strewn about, a hole in the wall and his chair upturned, he’s pacing, fists clenching and unclenching. She closes the door and his head snaps up and she sucks in a deep breath at the look in his eyes. He’s darkness personified like this, anger and fury rolling off of him in waves.

 

He’s shaking with barely restrained fury. “Did they send you to talk to me? A lamb to the fucking slaughter, huh?”

 

She leans against the door and pulls her shirt off, toeing off her shoes and unbuttoning her jeans, sliding the zipper down, never breaking eye contact with him. The air is cold in the room and goosebumps prickle against her skin, making her hair stand on end. She makes her way towards him, pushing him gently onto the bed, straddling him, tilting his head and pressing her lips to his. He responds by wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her to him so tightly that she struggles to breathe.

 

They kiss for a while she thinks, until she’s writhing in his lap, breathing sighs into his mouth and his hands are trailing over her back, sides, legs, breasts. They kiss until she can feel him calm down, feels his heart underneath the palms of her hands become steady.

 

“They don’t understand me.” He tells her, frustration lacing his voice.

 

“I do.” She says quietly, lips hovering over his.

 

“Do you?” They’re bitter words that fall from his mouth. “Sometimes, I feel like no one does.”

 

“ _I do_.” She repeats and this time, it’s louder, demanding his attention and he seeks out her eyes, staring at them until she feels even more naked than she already is. Whatever he seeks, he must have found, because he reaches up and kisses her, teeth clacking against hers, hands digging into her skin and his tongue is battling with hers and it’s so reminiscent to their fist kiss that Rey moans into his mouth. “I’ve missed you.” She breathes out when she pulls away from him.

 

He nods and chases her lips, kissing her again, this time slower, more sensually and she’s getting dizzy again from his kisses and from the lack of oxygen. “Not as much as I’ve missed you.” He confesses. “God, Rey, you’ve ruined me.”

 

It’s painful, parting from him, standing in his cold room and shrugging back on her clothes. She holds out a hand to him. “Come with me.” She says.

 

“My parents and uncle and everyone-”

 

“I don’t care about everyone else. I’m not talking about everyone else. Come with _me_.”

 

He sighs and nods, grabbing her hand. “ _You_. Just you. _Always you_.”

* * *

Christmas is tense that year but they make do. Ben stays closer to her than normal and if anyone notices anything, no one says anything. The adults exchange looks, as if maybe, just _maybe_ , Rey can save Ben from whatever path of destruction he’s on.

 

Her grandfather looks at her like she’s a wreck he’s seen one too many times.

* * *

On New Years Eve, Ben kisses her in the dark alcove of the hallway of her room, while the party rages on downstairs. He presses her against the wall when the countdown from ten starts and his fingers are hiking up her dress, fingering the seams of the pantyhose she has on and she’s never cursed them more than she does at that very moment.

 

She’s yanking his tucked in shirt from his pants, trying to get closer to him.

 

At one, to the cheers of _Happy New Years_ and that song Rey really fucking hates, Ben pulls away, leaning his forehead against hers, breathing in deeply. “Ben.” She whispers.

 

He presses a kiss to her forehead and pulls her dress back down in place and smoothes it over. “Soon.” He promises just as quietly. He gives her one last kiss, full of unsaid promises and then he leaves.

* * *

The new year brings in college applications and Jess has a meltdown about _what the fuck to do_ and _where the fuck to go_ and _high school didn’t prepare us for shit._

 

Rey laughs and shrugs it off, applying to the colleges she knows she’ll get in to and applies to the colleges she hopes to get in.

 

She wants to be an engineer and Finn wants to study art history and Jess says she’ll wing it, but she’s torn between psychology and the Air Force and they complete the last half of their senior year with laughs and smiles and hugs like they won’t ever see each other again, despite applying to almost half the same colleges.

 

Graduation is a grand affair, pictures being taken and framed. Ben isn’t able to make it but he sends her a message and leaves her a voicemail and they’ve spent the last handful of months exchanging messages and phone calls in the dead of the night (most of the time, Rey has her hand down her pants and she’s breathing softly into the phone and Ben is grunting, telling her all the things he’s going to do to her and Rey comes, gnaws on her bottom lip until she tastes blood, Ben’s name tumbling from her mouth in broken gasps), some visits on his end that result in her creeping into his room through the basement window and kissing him until she’s writhing against him but he won’t touch her below her waist and once, she visited him on a long weekend when she missed him so fucking much it hurt her to breathe.

 

It scares her sometimes, how much she depends on this man. How intertwined his life seems to be with hers.

 

_(He picks her up at the bus station and like the last time, she catapults into his arms, inhaling his familiar scent that she would lay awake at night and try to remember. He lets her talk all the way back to his condo and when she’s inside his sleek home where she looks and feels so out of place, he drops her bag, crowds her against the door and kisses her so feverishly, her toes curl._

_“Did you miss me?” She teases against his lips._

_He pulls away, cradling her face and looking at her with emotions she can’t quite place. “More than you know.” He says seriously and she believes him when he looks at her like this. Like she’s the only thing that matters, like she’s the only thing that exists._

_She pulls him back to her and kisses him until breathing becomes a necessity but even then, she thinks she’d let him steal her breath if it means being in this moment forever._

_[She’s in the kitchen plucking veggies from the cutting board, giggling when he slaps her hand and tells her to be patient. She bites his bicep in retaliation and smirks when his eyes darken and when he’s bending his head, going to capture her lips in his, his phone rings and he groans, wiping his hands on a cloth and rolling his eyes as he grabs his phone, answering with a bark, “Kylo Ren.”_

_Rey frowns, almost shrinking into herself when she sees him transform before her very eyes. His voice is colder, more demanding, commanding respect and instilling fear in even her. His body is taunt and strung like he’s ready to snap but it’s his face that’s most distressing to her. His eyes are darker than she remembers seeing them, lost in a dark abyss talking to whoever is on the other end, his mouth contorted into a permanent snarl._

_She looks towards the intercom on the wall and walks towards it, eyes squinting at the unfamiliar letters that make up an unfamiliar name._ Kylo Ren _._

_She sucks in a startled breath when arms wrap around her waist, not even realizing that he had finished his conversation. “Who’s Kylo Ren?” She asks, already dreading the answer._

_He stills and tenses behind her, sighing into her ear and pulling away from her; the absence of warmth is instant. “Rey…”_

_“No.” She says, turning around, crossing her arms over her chest and glaring at him. “_ Who is Kylo Ren _?”_

_“I am.” He looks so smugly confident, so proud of himself for creating this persona that she has no idea about that she feels empty and suddenly so very lonely._

_“You’re Ben Organa-So-”_

_“I was never him!” His voice is rising, already frustrated by this conversation, his eyes widen and Rey catches a glimpse of betrayal, a glimpse of hurt and it makes her insides clench._

_“So you…you…you’ve what? Created this…this other person? On whose order?” She knows she’s hit a sore spot when his eyes flinch. “Is it…is Snoke or whoever the fuck he is making you change? Why are you becoming someone you’re not?”_

_“Snoke let me see what I can accomplish and the first step is getting rid of-” He cuts himself off, face flushing and eyes downcast._

_Rey’s stomach bottoms out and she feels her blood turn to ice in her veins. She can hear everything now, everything seems to go by in cruel slow motion and it’s like she’s entered some sort of state where all that’s around is molecules. “Getting rid of_ what _?” She asks, her voice hard, despite the tears that burn and pool in her eyes. “Getting rid of attachments? Getting rid of the people who_ love _you? Who have watched you and taken care of you since birth? Getting rid of the_ trash _?” She stretches out her arms and gestures to herself. “Fuck, what am I to you? Just some infatuated little girl who you can string along because I would do_ anything _for you? Do you see that? Do you even know how much I l-” She cuts herself off and shakes her head and before she can open her mouth, she feels lips press against hers hungrily. She pulls away after melting into him. “You can’t do this.” She says to him, “You can’t distract me with kisses. We need…I need…” She lets out a growl and frames his head in hers and she’s on her tiptoes, bending him down until her forehead is pressed against his. “You’re_ Ben _. Okay? You’re…you’re Ben.” There is a pause, a deep breath and she looks into his eyes, “But if you need to be Kylo Ren to find your way back to being Ben, then I’ll take him too. I just…I want…I need you, okay? You’re…you’re mine.” You belong to me just like I belong to you, she silently tells him._

_He nods, not letting go of her. “Yours.” He promises. “Yours.”]_

_They spend the weekend attached to the lips and she writhes against his lap, jeans chafing her leg, until his head falls back against the couch and she follows with her lips, kissing his Adam’s apple and leaving her marks on his skin.)_

 

Rey, Jess and Finn go to Prom together, dancing and swaying to the beat of the music, eating bad food and laughing at the memories they have. (It’s more than Rey realized.)

 

(She gets into some colleges, doesn’t get into others but Coruscant University has the best Engineering degree and she’d be stupid to not take it, especially with the scholarship they’ve given her, so she accepts it and Finn does the same, Jess bites her lips and tells them that while she had her heart set on psychology, she’s always wanted to be a pilot. So, she joins the Air Force, leaving for D’Qar before the summer really starts and Rey cries when she says goodbye and Finn makes her promise to keep them updated.

 

“Come visit me, you little shits!” Jess yells, waving at them before she disappears from their sight.

 

“And then there were two.” Finn tells Rey, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.)

* * *

Her eighteenth birthday is in the middle of the summer and her grandfather has to attend a conference and Leia is off on some top-secret mission and Han is off on a smuggling trip because once a smuggler, always a smuggler.

 

_(“It’ll be a good haul and Chewie is coming with me!”_

_“Chewie is always with you!” Leia responds, rolling her eyes and kissing his cheek._

_Rey’s heart constricts and she wonders if her parents ever did this.)_

 

So, Rey is stuck house sitting for both houses but she doesn’t mind because sometimes, Rey craves the quiet. Coruscant isn’t quiet, not even at night and Rey finds she misses Jakku when night would fall and the desert would fall into a stillness that would settle in her bones.

 

Before her grandfather leaves, she asks him to tell her about her parents. Anything. _Everything_. She just…wants to know if they loved her so much why did they leave her?

 

He’s silent, eyes closing as if in pain before he nods and takes a seat on the couch next to her.

 

“Rey,” He starts and his voice is quiet, as if speaking any louder will disrupt the dead and lost. “Just…let me come back from my conference and I’ll tell you everything. I don’t…I don’t want to tell you and then have to leave you. Can you…would that be okay with you?”

 

She nods, understanding. She’s waited almost a decade to find out, she can wait a couple more days. “Can you tell me anything about them to tie me over?”

 

He pauses, as if thinking and then he sighs and it’s such a defeated sigh, a sigh that signifies a life etched in sorrow and Rey thinks she can understand. That she can relate. “Your parents…they were a tragedy made by their own hands.”

 

He looks out the window and sees Luke pull into the driveway. He pats her shoulder and kisses her head. “Luke is here. Be careful. If you need anything, let me know. Mace is going to check in on you, okay?” She nods numbly and at the door, he stops, looking over his shoulder, eyes so sad it makes her want to cry. “I love you, Rey.”

 

He’s gone before she’s able to whisper she loves him too.

 

(She watches Luke’s car until she can’t see it anymore and her grandfather is just a silhouette amongst the blue skies and open road.)

* * *

She dreams of them that night, her parents look like they do in the photos but older. They’re laughing and her mother’s grin is wide as she waves a camera in their faces. “Rey, smile for the camera, baby. Smile for your grandfather!”

 

Rey gurgles and flails her arms, waving to a man she doesn’t know and won’t know until her life is marked by lines on a piece of paper and hardships that she doesn’t want to remember but will never forget.

 

( _Your parents_ , she hears a voice whisper in her dream, _were a tragedy made by their own hands_.)

* * *

_(“My family is coming back for me.” Is the first that comes out of her mouth when Hera introduces her to Talia, Roz and Gemma._

_Roz and Gemma stare at her pityingly but Talia just laughs and Hera shushes her violently._

_Hera stares at her with soft eyes and runs a hand down her hair. “I’m sure they are. Who would ever want to willingly leave you behind?”_

_“I won’t be here for long. You’ll see.”_

_Hera smiles with thin lips and eyes shining with a secret that Rey doesn’t know._

_She finds out soon enough, as the seconds bleed to minutes, minutes into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, weeks into months and months into years, that her parents are never coming back.)_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo......what did you all think? I hope you liked it! :) THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN! I CAN'T EVEN EXPRESS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU ALL.


	5. You were at an end, breaking at the bend (heaven was an awful lot to lose)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, guys. The moment we've all been waiting for: Here be smut. Like smut smut. Be warned. All warnings all still apply. Please proceed accordingly. SO. HOLY FUCK. THANK YOU GUYS SO SO SO MUCH. LIKE I CAN'T EVEN WITH YOU ALL. YOUR RESPONSE TO THIS STORY IS AMAZING AND I JUST WANT TO WEEP WITH HOW MUCH I LOVE ALL OF YOU. Title is taken from the song 'Sort of Delilah' by Anna Nalick.
> 
> Also: I'm sorry....for well...you'll find out.

Finn comes by and spends the day with her. They pass their time in the sun, lounging and laughing and listening to music.

 

“Have you talked to Jess?” She asks Finn.

 

Rey and Jess message almost every night and it almost feels like Jess never left, except she’s not able to see her as much as she would like to but Jess keeps her up to date on everything. She tells her all about the planes and bootcamp and she tells her about seeing Poe and meeting this guy named Snap and _he’s funny, Rey, he’s really funny._

 

Finn nods. “Yeah. Poe tells me he’s keeping an eye on her whenever he can.”

 

Rey’s eyebrows go up to her forehead. “Yeah? How often does Poe tell you stuff?”

 

She can see him blush under his dark skin and it’s a precious moment for her. He knocks her shoulder with his and doesn’t answer. “What have you got planned tomorrow? The big eighteen!”

 

Rey shrugs, adjusting her glasses and staring into the sun. “Just relaxing. Sleeping. Eating. Doing nothing.”

 

Finn nods. “I got suckered into working twelve hours at the café, so if you want to come and visit me, you’re more than welcome.” He’s silent, scratching his head before glancing at her. “If…if you were still in Jakku, what would you do?”

 

If she were still in Jakku when she turned eighteen, she would be kicked out of the Home, deemed old enough to make it on her own. But she wouldn’t be on her own, not really, because Plutt was ( _is_ ) scum of the earth and she knows now what she always thought she knew back then but never really thought about, because it didn’t affect her, not personally. Until it did.

 

_(“Stay away from Teedo and his guys.” Talia tells her, as she finally leaves the basement and worms he way back to her old room. Rey slipped in, eager to show the older girl that she listened to her and is healing properly. “They work for Nox and he’s scum of the earth.”_

_“What does he do?” Rey asks curiously, vaguely remembering asking this years ago when she first found out that Hera disappeared._

_Talia is silent before nudging Rey with her feet. “He kills people’s souls and then kills you.” Her eyes are blank when she lifts her head and looks at Rey. “I’ll make sure that Gemma tells Teedo that you guys are off limits but if Teedo and his guys come near you again, run and keep running until Jakku is a pile of dust behind you.” She lets out a laugh but it’s bitter and hollow and out of place on Talia’s pretty face. “Plutt is a walk in the park compared to Nox.” She turns her back to Rey but not before leaving with one last sentence. “There are a lot of unsavory people in the world Rey, and the majority of them live in Jakku.”_

_Rey nods, her stomach churning at Talia’s words. Talia turns around so that her back is facing Rey and Rey understands that she is being dismissed. So, she gets off Talia’s bed, closing the door behind her just in time to cut off Talia’s first sob and makes her way into her room and slides into her own bed.)_

 

She takes a deep breath and spares Finn a smile when he’s looking at her like he’s worried about her.

 

“Where’d you go?” He asks her. He always asks her this, when she gets lost in her thoughts of things that were and things that could have been, as if expecting some soul-baring answer that Rey just isn’t really ready to give him.

 

“Nowhere.” She answers back. “And I’d probably be out on my own. When you turn eighteen, you get turned out of the system. I’d find an empty place and make it mine. Scavenge for myself. I’d make do.”

 

He covers her hand with his. “You’ve got us now.” He says quietly.

 

She knows she does. She has everything she could ever want now. But there is still part of her that sometimes longs for the Jakku sun and sand and Roz’s soft hands as they run through her hair, Dee’s high-pitched giggles, Talia’s protection and Gemma’s warm eyes, flashing with mirth.

 

(Her eyes still burn every time she thinks of Gemma.)

* * *

When Finn leaves, night has fallen and Coruscant is coming alive. The city lights flicker on and she can hear the cars and noises that people make. _It’s so loud here,_ she thinks and so unlike anything she’s ever known.

 

_(“There are so many people here.” Rey comments, voice barely above a whisper and it’s a wonder they hear her at all._

_“There’s a population problem.” Han comments, walking with his arm around Leia and Rey follows, trailing behind them as they leave the airport._

_“You’ll like it here.” Luke pipes up, shooting her a glance over his shoulder. “It’s got everything and your grandfather and I can take you around the downtown core tomorrow so you can get used to it.”_

_Rey sucks in a deep breath, getting tussled by someone who knocks into her and Rey whips her head around, hands gripping the straps of her backpack as she struggles to hold on to what is hers. It’s instinctive; this nature of hers to curl into herself and protect what belongs to her. The other person doesn’t apologize, doesn’t do much of anything, just stares at the device in his hand._

_[“If you could go anywhere, where would you want to go?” Roz asks, staring at their ceiling, lounging on her bed, throwing a used stress ball up and down in the air, laughing when she doesn’t catch it._

_“What’s the point of this?” Talia asks._

_“Passing time, since Dee can’t sleep.” Roz sits up on her knees. “I’ll go first. I’d like to go to Hoth.”_

_“Isn’t that all ice?”_

_Roz nods. “I’ve been reading about it. I could be an explorer. Just imagine everything I could discover. It would be a nice reprieve from the desert.”_

_Talia snorts. “Until you get frostbite and your toes fall off.”_

_Dee looks startled and Rey bites back a grin. “Can that happen?”_

_Roz glares at Talia. “What about you Dee?”_

_Dee scrunches her forehead and crinkles her nose. “Somewhere green with lots and lots of trees and flowers.”_

_Talia sighs and plucks at her blankets. “Naboo.” She finally admits. “I think I’d like to go to Naboo. It’s a big enough place to get lost.”_

_Rey lays her head against Gemma’s knees. “Do you think we could make it in a big place?”_

_Talia nods. “I think_ we _could be_ great _in a big place.”_

_“It would be away from here.” Roz agrees. “Rey?”_

Wherever my parents are _, Rey thinks._ I’ll go wherever they take me _. “I think I’m with Dee. Someplace green with lots of trees and flowers and water. I want…I want to be surrounded by water.”_

_“Ahch-To.” Gemma says quietly, running her fingers through Rey’s hair. “You’d like Ahch-To. It’s supposed to be an island surrounded by water as far as the eye can see.”_

_“Is that where you’d want to go?” Roz asks._

_Gemma shrugs, giving them a wide smile and her eyes glowing. “I think I’d just want to be free.”_

_(Rey’s eyes still burn thinking about Gemma.)]_

_Fingers brush against hers when she feels her chest constrict and Rey looks at dark brown eyes staring down at her with a little bit of panic and a little bit of worry. “Are you okay?” He asks and it’s not loud enough for the others to hear but it’s loud enough for her to understand that he’s been watching her slow descent into panic and madness._

_“Yeah.” She squeaks, eyes darting around hurriedly. “I’m fine.”_

_He sighs and steps in front of her, blocking her view of everyone else. “Rey.” He says softly, putting his hands on her shoulders. The weight of them is nice and warm. “Rey, look at me. Look at my eyes.” Her eyes meet his and he sucks in a deep breath. “Copy me.” He commands her and she follows, desperate to ease the ache in her chest. “You’re going to be fine. You’re…you’re going to be fine. I…we won’t let anything happen to you. You’re safe. Okay? You’re safe.”_

_“Ben?” Her grandfather calls out when they notice the two of them aren’t following them. Her grandfather is all she sees when he stumbles into her peripheral vision. “Rey, are you okay? What’s happening?”_

_“She’s lived in a desert her entire life with maybe what? One thousand people? You might want to reconsider taking her downtown until she can handle it without panicking.”_

_“No.” She croaks, taking a deep shaky breath. “I’m…I’ll be fine. I want…I want to see downtown. I want…I’ll be fine.” Ben is looking at her, appraising her, letting a small turn of his lips grace his face. “I’ll be fine.”)_

 

She eats mint ice cream on the porch outside until she starts shaking and then makes herself some tea, standing alone in her kitchen looking outside at the moon. It’s on the tips of her fingers to message Ben. To wake him up from whatever dream world he’s on or to maybe stop him from working late and before she knows it, she’s grabbing her phone, sparing a glance at the clock that shines half past eleven at night and maybe she’ll call him and talk to him until she rings in her eighteenth birthday.

 

Maybe she’ll fall asleep to the sound of his voice in her ear and imagine his arms wrapped around her. Maybe they’ll discuss what’s happening between them instead of burying it down underneath their chests, carving a hole too big for her to fill in her heart and big enough for him to swim in.

 

She gets it. She does. There’s the age difference and the fact that he’s sold his soul to who appears to be the devil incarnate and there is their family, her history, his future and sometimes it’s all so convoluted that she makes herself sick thinking about it but then there are other times when she tries not to think about it that sends her reeling.

 

( _Your parents…they were a tragedy made by their own hands.)_

 

She dials his number, taking in a deep breath, eyes watching as the hands of the clock shift. It goes to his voicemail and she hangs up, shaking her head and dumping her mug of tea in the sink.

 

She locks up, peeking out the window to glance at the Organa-Solo house and when all is still, she makes her way upstairs to shower off the day’s lotion. She spends too long underneath the water, skin turning pink under the hot water and she swipes a hand over the mirror, _almost_ recognizing the girl staring back at her. She towel dries her hair, while brushing her teeth, spitting out the toothpaste and bending forward until she can swallow water and spit it out. She turns off the faucet and pats her face dry.

 

She doesn’t care if her hair is still wet when she lays her head on the pillow, fingering the necklace that Ben gave her years ago. Instead, she closes her eyes and sleep finds her easily, colors dancing behind her eyelids, lulling her into a safety she’s only just finding. 

* * *

 

It seems like hours but it’s only been a few minutes when she wakes up by the shifting of her bed. She turns her head over her shoulder and through sleep hazed eyes, she sees Ben, a silhouette in the moonlight, shrugging off his shoes and tucking himself into her bed, pressing his body against hers and holding her tightly. “Ben?” She asks, rubbing her eyes and starting to wake up.

 

“Happy birthday.” He whispers, kissing her neck.

 

She groans, letting her head fall back, as he pecks at the corner of her lips. He tastes like coffee and mint. “What time is it?” She asks, as she turns around to face him.

 

“12:01.” He responds.

 

So, she’s officially eighteen. Officially an adult. She settles back into bed, pillowing her head on his chest, listening to the thudding of his heartbeat and feeling his fingers run through her still damp hair.

_(Rey is woken up with a shake to her shoulder and she almost gasps, if it weren’t for the hand on her mouth. Rey widens her eyes and it takes only seconds for them to adjust to the dark but when they do, she breathes easily as Talia’s face comes into view._

_Rey frowns when she sees her dressed in clothing instead of pajamas. “What are you doing? What’s happening?”_

_Talia glances at the digital clock next to Rey’s bedside table and Rey glances at it, seeing the numbers 12:01 flash red. “I’m officially eighteen.” Her eyes are gleeful and she seems to vibrate with energy. “I’m leaving. Plutt can’t keep me here anymore. I’m an adult and I don’t…I’m not…I can’t end up like Hera. Rey, I_ can’t.”

_“Where are you going to go?” Rey asks, her voice tight and she thinks back to all those nights ago when they were thinking and talking about places they’d go to if given the chance. Never really imagining that one of them would be given the chance._

_“Somewhere.” Talia replies. “Anywhere that isn’t here.” She glances out the window. “There’s a woman in town, she’s leaving and she offered me a seat in her car.” Talia gives her a smile. “She likes the way I can barter and she’s taking me with her to barter what she needs and then she’s giving me a cut and I’m taking a bus to a city, maybe even Naboo but whatever can get me as far away from Jakku as possible.”_

_“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” Rey doesn’t know the lady Talia is talking about, didn’t even really know that Talia still scavenged until now._

_Talia nods. “She’s fine. Older. Lonely. She understands what I’m going through.” She takes a deep breath and cups Rey’s face in her hands. “I already told the other girls but Plutt is going to be angry. He’s going to be_ so _angry and you have to stay out of his way. Don’t give him a reason to go looking for you.” She takes a deep breath. “I wish…I wish I could take you with me, Rey.”_

_Rey can feel her eyes burn with repressed tears and she feels something cool press into her hands._

_[“What is it?” Rey asks. She’s in Talia’s old room and Talia is on her bed, fingers skimming over the cool metal._

_“It’s an IPod.” Talia says, turning it around and frowning at the engraving on the back. “It plays music. I can get one of Tekka’s guys at the market to fix it up for me. They owe me a favor.” Talia grins at her. “We can finally listen to some music. It’ll just be between you and me.”_

_Rey shares in her brilliant smile.]_

_“Talia…” Rey trails off, throat suddenly tight._

_Talia embraces her in a rare hug. “Think of me whenever you listen to it. Stay safe, Rey and when you get the chance, leave.”_

_[“My family-”_

_“Rey, I’ve never lied to you, so if you want me to continue not lying to you, you won’t finish that sentence.”]_

_“My family is never coming back, are they?”_

_She can feel Talia suck in a deep breath. “No.” She answers truthfully, cupping Rey’s face and staring at her with glassy eyes. “They aren’t.” She places a kiss on Rey’s forehead. “I’m sorry, Rey. I’m_ so _sorry.”_

_Rey doesn’t say anything, instead, she watches as Talia picks up her bag and leaves, one hand on the doorjamb and a glance over her shoulder. She gives Rey a soft smile and Rey’s heart stutters because she looks_ free _like this, knowing that in a few minutes she’ll be on the open road and away from all the demons that come licking at her feet. Rey can’t be angry with her for leaving. She could never be angry with Talia for wanting more for herself than Jakku._

_Rey doesn’t say anything, instead she just stares as Talia leaves and through her haze of tears and stifled sobs, Rey hears a car start and hears it drive down the street until Rey can’t hear it anymore._

_[Come back, she remembers crying, don’t go. Don’t leave me. Come back.])_

 

She turns her head and presses a kiss to Ben’s chest, right above his heart. He pulls her up and kisses her so gently, so reverently that she wants to weep. She wraps her arms around his neck and presses herself closer to him, lifting a leg and draping it around his waist. The blankets rustle with their movement and the moonlight beams into her room, shrouding them in its light.

 

She pulls away from him, biting her lips and thrusting her hips into his softly. She puts her forehead against his and breathes in his breath, asking every question her throat won’t her voice.

 

He pushes her on her back, hovering above her and his hands go to the hem of her shirt and she nods, raising her arms upwards as he pulls it off and she watches as it drifts to her bedroom floor. She doesn’t wear a bra to bed and she’s almost grateful for that when he bends his head down and sucks one of her nipples into his mouth, one of his hands around her waist, index finger tracing the hem of her underwear and the other hand rolling her free nipple between his fingers.

 

She sucks in a deep breath, whimpering and letting out a little moan that turns into a number of moans as he works her until her nipples are too sensitive.

 

She reaches for his shirt, working it over his ribs and chest and over his head until it joins hers on the floor and her hands are on his belt while he captures her lips again and they’re breathing and not breathing and her fingers are nimble, undoing the belt out of its buckle and she thinks her hands might be shaking but she doesn’t stop, won’t stop, _can’t_ stop. She unbuttons his jeans, unzips it and works his jeans off his hips and he kicks them the rest of the way off, her hands reaching into his underwear to grasp him, stroking him the way she knows he likes.

 

_(“Like that.” He moans, grabbing her hand and tightening it around his cock. “Fuck Rey, just like that.”_

_She pumps her hand, tearing incoherent words from his throat.)_

 

A few pumps is all she gets, when he grabs her hands and pulls them out of the confines of his underwear, wrapping her wrists in his grasps and planting them next to her head, trapping her. He shakes his head and kisses her neck with tiny, soft kisses that are barely there and leave her arching her back for more.

 

He doesn’t say anything as he moves lower, down her stomach, kissing her ribs as he goes, fingers slipping underneath the band of her underwear and pulling it down her legs until she’s helping him kick it off and it too is tossed on the floor and then he rears up, kissing her, thrusting his tongue into her mouth and she’s lost, so ( _so_ ) lost in the kiss that she doesn’t notice his fingers until he’s tracing her grazing her clit and she rips her mouth away from his, gasping into air, his thumb slipping in and rubbing soothing circles against her nub and her hips are thinking on their own, because she raises them, trying to get more friction and with one hand, he pushes her down and slips a finger inside of her.

 

“ _Oh_!” It’s different than her own fingers, she realizes. His are wider, longer and reach places that she hasn’t reached yet and she’s grabbing her pillow, biting her bottom lip when he slips another finger in and she feels the wetness coat her thighs. “Oh.” It’s all she can say and she’s writhing against her bed and he’s staring at her, dipping his head, tongue flicking her nipple again. She bites her lip harder to clamp down on the cry that is scratching its way out of her throat, as she turns her head and eyes the open window.

 

His mouth his by her ear, panting, “I want to hear you, Rey. Don’t hide from me.”

 

She nods and releases her lips and when his fingers pump in and out of her, she whines and whimpers and makes a thousand other noises she wasn’t aware she could make. The tips of his fingers connect with the place that always makes her come, the place he showed her almost a year ago and she gasps, arching her back. “ _There_!” She cries. “Oh. _Oh_. There! _Please_.”

 

His eyes darken and he hits the spot over and over until the cry she was trying to keep in is ripped from her throat and her orgasm takes over, leaving her limp. She can see him through slit eyes, outstretching his hand towards her and she can smell herself on his fingers. Without hesitation, she wraps her tongue around them. She tastes tangy but the power she revels in when he groans and ruts against her is intoxicating. He rips his fingers from her mouth and kisses her, tongue tracing every corner of her mouth and then he’s gone, placing kisses underneath her ear, her collarbone, her breasts, her ribs, dipping his tongue into her bellybutton and he’s spreading her thighs, throwing one leg over his shoulder and caressing the other one, his large hand engulfing her thigh, fingerprints leaving imprints for what will likely be forever.

 

Her breath stops when he makes eye contact with her and he licks the inside of her thighs. Her heart is beating painfully against her chest and she can’t take her eyes off of him. He keeps his eyes open and on her when he moves upwards, mouth finally closing around her and the moan that comes out of her mouth is more a shriek and completely sinful.

 

And everything feels so fucking wonderful.

 

It’s different having him down there and kissing her but she lets out a cry when he thrusts his tongue inside of her, swirling and sucking her nub into his mouth and he’s working her in such a tizzy, she grabs his hair, yanking him closer and he keeps up his movements, keeps his eyes on her and she thinks that’s what making her hurtle over the edge, the fact that his mouth is on her, licking and sucking, and eyes so fucking intense that he doesn’t even think to close them, is more than she can handle and she thinks she’s shouting enough for her neighbors to call the police but _she doesn’t even care_.

 

He’s bringing her down slowly, his licks and sucks more ghostly than before and she’s trembling when he claims her mouth and it’s the second time she’s tasted herself but he’s muttering words she can’t truly comprehend against her lips and she’s wrapping her legs around his waist, heels digging into his hips and tugging down his underwear. “Please. Please _Please_.”

 

He nods and the relief is instantaneous. Only to be overcome with a sense of nervousness when he pushes away from her and reaches down to grab his jeans, hands digging into the back pocket and pulling out a few condoms. He shrugs off his underwear and he’s back in his previous place, between her legs and mouth claiming hers in a frenzy. He tears his mouth away from hers and the sound of tearing foil echoes in the room and she sucks in a deep breath when she sees his hand shake and can feel his body tremble when the condom is in his hand. He kisses her again. “Are you…fuck, Rey… _are you sure_?”

 

She nods, unable to speak.

 

There’s a few rustles and she feels him, hot and heavy between them, where his fingers and mouth were not that long ago. His fingers graze against her as he rolls on the condom and he’s kissing her again, her hands come up, cradling the back of his head, losing herself in his addictive kisses when he pushes his tip in, stretching her, and she’s arching her back, hissing at the pain. He pauses and looks down at her. “Rey…” His voice is straining, his hands are on her waist and they squeeze her tightly.

 

She closes her eyes, “Just do it.”

 

She can almost feel him nod, hears the silent beat between them, hears the pounding of his heartbeat and then all she feels is pain. She lets out a strangled cry, hands leaving his hair and clenching her bed sheets as he enters her in one swift motion, tearing through her. And fuck, _fuck,_ it hurts more than she thought it would. She feels tears leak from her eyes and feels his hands leave her waist only to rest of his forearms on either side of her head, caging her in. He presses long kisses to her mouth, prying her mouth open with his tongue. “I’m sorry.” He whispers against her mouth. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Fuck, Rey, I’m so sorry.”

 

He stills inside of her and God, _he’s inside of her_. _Ben_ is _inside_ of _her_ and he’s touching every single place she didn’t know existed and it’s like their heartbeats are _one_ , it’s like he’s inside her head, devouring her soul and _she gets it now_. She gets why people love sex because she thinks when she opens her eyes and stares at him that _this_ here, _this_ is a connection that can’t be broken. Maybe even a connection they never want to break.

 

His body is tensing and his cock is flexing inside of her and soon the pain disappears a little bit and she’s so aroused that she doesn’t know what to do. “Please.” She whispers and it’s all she can say. “Please…just… _please_.”

 

He nods, pressing a soft kiss to her lips once more, rising from his forearms to his palms and it’s like he’s doing pushups when he pulls out and then thrusts back in and it burns again and she gasps unused to the feeling but then he’s doing it again and again and he’s more gentle than she thinks he’s used to and she’s staring at him like he’s some kind of man-made wonder and maybe, just _maybe_ he _is_.

 

Her arms find their way around his back, fingers pressing into his skin and her head is thrown back, moaning when the pleasure starts to mount and his thrusts lose their gentleness, inching towards something close to desperation. “Rey.” He groans. “Rey, fuck. Say my name.”

 

_Which one_? She wants to ask.

 

_(“Who are you today?” She asks him over the phone one night._

_“Rey.” Her name is a pleading sigh and he sounds tired, sounds defeated and her heart clenches. “You know me.”_

_She pauses and nods to herself. “I know_ Ben _. I don’t know_ Kylo Ren _.” She hears him suck in a deep breath and she turns her head to look out her window. The sky is dark and Coruscant is alive with noise and she wonders if he’s looking at the same sky with the same stars and the same moon and she wonders if he thinks about her as much as she thinks about him. She lets out a huff of breath, the words falling from her lips before she can stop. “I would like to though.” She starts slowly. “I would like to know Kylo Ren, if you give me the chance. He’s…he’s part of you.”_ And you’re Ben and Ben is part of me _. “I’ll call you Kylo or Ren if you want. I just…I know you, okay? I accept you.”_ I love you.

_He’s silent on his end and she can hear his breath hitch. “Rey.” He says softly, “You should probably go to sleep.”_

_Rey blinks. “Okay. Goodnight…Kylo.”_

_“Ben.” He responds, still just as softly as before. “Ben.”)_

 

He’s always been _Ben_ to her, _always_ , but she wants to respect every piece of him, so she gulps in some air and opens her mouth, her lips forming the first syllables, “Ky-”

 

She lets out a strangled keening noise when he rears up, pressing so deeply inside of her that it’s a mix between pleasure and pain. “ _No.”_ He rasps, his eyes widening and frantic. “ _No_. Not…fuck…Rey… _don’t_ …” His hips are snapping against hers almost savagely and Rey’s entire body moves with his thrusts.

 

“ _Ben_!” She calls out hoarsely, understanding the desperation coating his frantic eyes. “ _Ben_!” She feels her body building to a familiar pressure and she thinks her heart is going to fall out of her chest, the feeling becoming too much and she wants to shut her eyes, wants to relish in the feeling of him inside of her but she doesn’t want to at the same time because she wants to _see_ him, wants to look at him, wants to never take her eyes off of him. “Oh…oh…God… _Ben_ … _Ben_ … _Ben_ …” She keeps saying his name, like its some sort of prayer and maybe, just _maybe_ , it _is_.

 

She’s close, _so_ close and from the grunts and whimpers being torn from Ben’s throat, she knows he is too. She jolts, letting out a little shriek, eyes slamming shut, when his fingers reach between them and stimulate her clit and everything is _too_ much and he’s in her face, begging her to look at him, _stay with me, Rey. Stay with me_. And she does, keeping her eyes wide open, mouth falling into an _O_ shape and sobs are falling from it when she flies apart, the world exploding into a thousand different colors before her eyes.

 

She hears him shout, can feel his head come to a rest in between her shoulder and neck and he settles himself atop of her, relaxing his body.

 

She takes in a shuddering breath, running her hands through his damp hair and she winces when he pulls out of her, sitting up and disposing of the full condom.

 

She moves to a sitting position, legs dangling off her bed and she sees the bloodstains on her bed sheets. She gets up and strips her bed. “I need…I need to change my sheets.” She tells him, cheeks flushing even more than usual.

 

“Rey…” He trails off, unsure of what to say.

 

She abandons what she’s doing, making her way to him and wrapping her arms around his neck, pressing her naked body to his and she kisses him deeply, trying to convey all of her emotions. “I love you.” She whispers into his lips and then once again into the place above his heart when she rests her head there and it’s like a confession being ripped from her blood. “I love you.”

 

He tilts her head up and kisses her back so passionately that she knows what he says without saying anything at all. 

* * *

 

She wakes with the sun and a warm body behind her, thick and starchy new sheets beneath them. They’re still naked and she sucks in a deep breath when she feels his erection against her back. She’s still half asleep when she rocks back into it and he groans, tightening his arm around her waist. Her body is already becoming aroused but she doesn’t want to wake him, so she slips her fingers down to her core and bites her lips when moans threaten to come out as she slips her fingers in and out of her, her hips rocking into his.

 

She gasps when she feels his finger curl into hers, letting them slide against her wetness. “Couldn’t wait for me?” He growls into her ear.

 

“I want you.” She breathes. “Do you want me too?”

 

He laughs and it’s broken and needy. “I _need_ you, Rey. I fucking _ache_ for you, you know that?”

 

“Show me.” She pants, when he takes out her fingers and replaces them with his. “ _Show me_.”

 

“Are you sore?”

 

“I don’t care!” She hisses, “Ben…Ben…please.” She can feel him move, hear a wrapper crinkling and she can feel his arms twisting her around. She fights him, eyes spying her reflection in the mirror from her bureau. “Like this. Please.” He groans but slips into her easily. It still hurts, her breath still hitches and she’s still a moaning mess when he thrusts in and out, tearing cries and pleas from her throat.

 

One of her hands is scratching his arm that is wrapped around her waist and the other hand is gripping his hip behind her when he lifts her leg, gaining more access and stretching her. She sucks in breath after breath, body trembling and eyes flickering to the mirror. His head is the in crook of her shoulder but she can see the way his hips slam into hers, see the way her body gyrates and it’s so powerful, so fucking erotic that she whimpers and gasps and begs for more. _More, Ben. Please._

 

He lifts his head and sees what she sees in the reflection and he bites her neck, thrusts speeding up, fingers drifting back down, toying with her clit. “You like this, huh? You like watching yourself like this? You like watching yourself come?”

 

“I like watching _you_ come.” She admits.

 

He comes before she does and he curses, fingers working her fast until she digs her nails into his skin and sobs out her release into her pillow.

 

( _This is heaven_ , she thinks, as he turns her around on her back, covering her with his body, kissing her until she can't breathe and until her body is ready to accept him again and again and again. This, here, with Ben, this is heaven and she thinks that even angels would be jealous of the home she's found in him.)

* * *

In the afternoon, they go over to empty his house because he needs something from his room but she takes that time to push him onto his childhood bed, making him watch as she strips for him and as she slowly touches him, ringing out groans that make her flush.

 

She sinks onto him, hands planted on his chest as she moves, tilting her head back so that her hair tumbles down her back and breasts are in the air. He sits up straighter, locking her legs around his waist and she puts one hand on his shoulder, the other on his bed and she bounces on his cock, her screams filling the quiet air.

 

(And oh, if these walls could talk, she thinks they would sing.) 

* * *

 

She answers her grandfather’s and Finn’s calls with Ben’s mouth latched onto her breasts or between her legs and she cuts the calls off short, dragging him up to her mouth and kissing him like they’re the only two people in the world.

 

And for her birthday weekend, Rey almost believes they are.

* * *

When her grandfather and Luke come back, they’re surprised to see Ben.

 

He tenses when his mother comes back and becomes almost hostile when his father comes back early, a sheepish grin on his face and Chewie’s arm in a sling.

 

_(“You told me you’d be safe!” Leia hisses at him._

_“I am safe!” Han defends. He gestures at Chewie. “Chewie took the bullet for me.”_

_“Accidently.” Chewie adds, grinning at his best friend. “I accidently took the bullet for you.”)_

 

When it becomes too much and his father starts snapping at Ben and Ben starts clenching and unclenching his fists, she grabs him by the arm and shouts that he needs to help her pick her courses for the upcoming semester. They go to his old room, closing the door behind her and locking it and she’s crowded against it before she finishes latching it. He’s not patient and she still always aches for him, so she hikes her dress around her waist and he pulls out his cock and with a roll of a condom, he’s sheathed inside of her and it’s everything ( _everything_ ) she can still have asked for.

 

Everything she always wanted.

 

(Other times when there isn’t enough time, she sinks down to her knees and sucks him off, or he bends her over, fingers toying with her until she falls apart beneath his hands.

 

But he’s touching her and she’s touching him and for a minute during that weekend, when he’s inside of her and she’s biting her lip because they can both hear his parents upstairs, and he’s staring at her like she’s his everything, she thinks that this could be forever and her heart swells two sizes too big and then she’s lost in his thrusts and the idea that forever could start today.)

* * *

( _Your parents_ …a voice whispers in her head, _were a tragedy made by their own hands.)_  

* * *

 

Han decides to throw a party the day before Chewie leaves. Rey makes an appearance and she latches onto to Finn’s side, dodging his questioning stares.

 

_(Finn’s eyes are worried as they drift over her. “Are you okay?”_

_Rey nods, smiling and blushing. “Finn…I…I can’t…” She’s at a loss for words and her best friend lets out a little chuckle that is still too many parts worried._

_“Be careful, Rey. I don’t want to see you hurt.”_

_“Ben wouldn’t hurt me.”_

_His eyes are older than they should be and he looks like he knows something she doesn’t when he says, “But would Kylo Ren?”)_

 

She looks around the party for Ben but doesn’t see him, so she makes her excuses to Finn and makes her way around the backyard, waving to people she knows and smiling at people she doesn’t. When she realizes that he’s not sulking in a corner outside, she makes her way inside, swiping a few strawberries and chewing on them, trying to look for him.

 

She almost misses it but she hears raised voices coming from a room at the far end of the hallway. Frowning, she chews her last strawberry and makes her towards the door, recognizing Leia’s voice. Luke’s softer tone joins in and then, her heart almost stops, when she hears Ben’s. She can’t make out what he’s saying, the door is shut but he’s agitated and there is fear lacing his voice. She can make out certain words, things like “ _why?” “didn’t” “tell” “me”_ and _“needs” “happen” “now”;_ can hear Luke ask, _“…you sure?”;_ can hear Leia’s worried, “ _be careful.”_

 

And there is a sinking in her chest but she doesn’t have time to fully acknowledge it because she can hear Ben’s stomping feet lunge towards the door and she steps away from the door, almost sprinting down the hall and when she hears the door open, she plasters on a smile, waving at him, walking towards him with panting breath and trying to pretend she wasn’t just eavesdropping. “There you are!” She looks at Leia and Luke as they come out and they stare at Rey and Ben slowly, some sort of realization dawning in their eyes. “I was looking for you guys.”

 

Leia takes a step forward, places a hand on Ben’s arm and he flinches. Leia whispers something to Ben and Ben nods slowly, accepting the clasp on the shoulder his uncle Luke gives him. Leia stops before her, giving her a look that Rey can’t decipher and she presses a kiss to her temple. Luke looks at her, gives her a twisted and sad smile before following his sister outside.

 

And she doesn’t want to be here anymore. Doesn’t want to be somewhere she has to share Ben. “Come with me.” She tells him, outstretching her hand in the space between them.

 

“My parents and your-”

 

She shakes her head, “This isn’t about them. Come with _me_.”

 

He takes her hand, pulling her towards him and they close the gap between them, chest against chest. “You. Just _you_. _Always you.”_

 

(He’s promising her something but Rey doesn’t know quite what, yet.) 

* * *

 

Ben is kissing her neck when his phone rings and she knows that he’s loathe to leave her but he does, snatching the phone and answering it with, “Kylo Ren.” She hates that name. Hates who he becomes and she looks to her window, across the street where the music from Han and Leia’s house is pouring from, she thinks she can almost hear Mace’s laughter, can almost hear the conversation her grandfather and Luke are having, can almost see Anna and Leia’s rolling eyes, can almost see the Pava’s smiling, Jess’ dad regaling them with a story and Agent Pava shaking her head at him and she can almost hear Chewie’s heavy accent.

 

When Ben comes back, he’s paler than usual, his eyes stormier than usual and she frowns, sitting up, only to be pushed back down again. “Are you okay?” She whispers, almost afraid that anything above a whisper can be heard from her open window.

 

He gets off the bed again and closes the window, shutting out all sound and closes the curtain, crossing the room and turning on the light, shutting the door and locking it. “I want…I want to see and hear you. Only you.”

 

She nods, questions on her tongue but then he steals them from her with a kiss that steals her breath along with it.

 

He uses his fingers, mouth and cock to wring out orgasm after orgasm, cry after cry, moan after moan, whimper after whimper, until her throat is raw and her voice is hoarse and by the end of the night, into the very early hours of morning when her body is protesting movement, sweat drying against her damp sheets and he’s panting over her, slipping out of her, she finds that she doesn’t want to choose between Ben and Kylo Ren. She wants both of them. She needs both of them. Because Kylo Ren is part of Ben and Ben is part of Rey.

 

She puts her head on the place above his heart, trying to steady hers, taking comfort in the thundering of his when she tilts her head up and kisses him. She deepens it, finds that she’s too tired and feels his chuckle against her lips. He takes control of the kiss and it’s so gentle, so loving, she thinks he really does make her cry. Her heart is so full, her body sated with pleasure and all she can do is imagine nights going to bed like this and mornings waking up like this.

 

“I love you.” She whispers against his heart when she lays her head back down on his chest. “ _I love you_.”

 

She’s drifting off to sleep when she feels him move her, forehead pressing against hers. “I need you, Rey. So fucking much it scares me.”

 

(This is his confessional and she’ll take it to the grave with her.) 

* * *

 

She feels the bed shift and for once, everything outside is oddly silent. She’s on her stomach and her arm reaches out, grasping air. “Ben,” She mutters sleepily, eyes closed. “Come back.” She takes in a deep breath, finding her way back into her dreams of color. “Come back.”

 

(If she opened her eyes, she thinks she would have seen the torn and anguished look on his face as he left her room, like a thief in the night.

 

She thinks she could have made him stay.)

 

_Come back_ , she remembers crying, _don’t go. Don’t leave me. Come back._  

* * *

 

When she wakes up, Ben is gone. She doesn’t think much of it until he doesn’t answer his messages. Or his phone calls. And then she thinks the phone call may have been work calling him back, so she waits until she knows he’d arrive back home and tries again.

 

He still doesn’t answer.

 

It isn’t until later that night when she tries calling him again with a heavy feeling in her chest that she’s shocked when the operator tells her the number is no longer in service.

 

She blinks, the operator repeating the same thing over and over and she looks at her grandfather. “Have you seen Ben?” She wonders, trying to keep her voice under control.

 

He shakes his head and Rey is thinking back to the night before and the conversation she didn’t think much of between Ben, Luke and Leia. Rey is out the door faster than she can blink and she’s crossing the street, knocking on Leia and Han’s front door. Han opens it, blinking at her. “Rey? You okay?”

 

“Where’s Leia? I…Ben…his phone is disconnected and that’s never happened before and is he okay? He left without…but he was talking to Leia yesterday and he left without saying goodbye-”

 

“Rey.” Leia calls out from over Han’s shoulders and she’s ushering Rey outside in the balmy summer night, taking a seat on their front porch. “Han, go back inside.”

 

It takes a Han a minute before he complies but he gives Rey a pityingly look that makes Rey’s stomach clench.

 

There is silence between the two women until Leia grabs her hand and squeezes it tightly. “He left.”

 

“Where is he?” The question is out of her mouth faster than she realizes.

 

“He left.” Leia tells her softly.

 

“ _Where_?” The word is wrung from her throat like it hurts and it _does_. “When is he coming _back_?”

 

Leia sighs. “I can’t tell you much. It’s on a need to know basis. He’s… radio silent. He…he told me to take care of you.” She stares at her with knowing eyes, her military eyes taking in Rey’s steadily distraught disposition. “Oh, _sweetheart_.” The older woman breathes.

 

“Tell me where he is. What is he doing? Is he okay? Is he safe?”

 

Leia pulls her into a hug and it’s so motherly that Rey instantly thinks of the mother she never had and then she thinks about Talia who she still doesn’t know where she is, Roz who she still doesn’t know what happened to, Dee who still thinks about her but is so happy without her and Gemma who is gone, gone, gone. (Rey’s eyes still burn at the thought of Gemma) and she wants to pull away from her, wants to demand answers she knows she’ll never get. “I can never thank you enough.”

 

And suddenly, Rey is _furious_. She doesn’t want _thanks_ , she doesn’t want gratitude for something she doesn’t know she did. “I don’t want or need your thanks. I need _him_. _I need him_. Leia…Leia, _please_.”

 

There are tears in Leia’s eyes and Rey has only seen her like this once before.

 

_(“…there will need to be a blood test.” The short woman is still talking, looking at Rey with a sympathy that belies her called-for professionalism._

_“What?” Rey blurts out, panicking, thoughts of finally being able to leave vanishing from her mind._

_“There has to be a blood test, to match DNA.”_

_Rey blinks. “What if…what if I’m not…?”_

_“Oh, oh, sweetie.” The General, Leia, Rey comes to find out, says. “There is no doubt in my mind that you’re his granddaughter. You look exactly like her.” And she’s looking at Rey with so much gentleness, so many emotions, unshed tears and what seems like decades of pain, pooling in her eyes._

_“Who?”_

_The woman takes a deep breath, “Your mother. You look exactly like your mother.” She takes another deep breath, as if steeling herself. “Come on. The sooner we get out of here, the sooner we get the test done, the sooner the paperwork is filed and signed and the sooner you can go home.”)_

 

“Leia,” Rey tries again, voice cracking, throat and eyes burning. “ _Please_.” She’s begging and she thinks that Talia, wherever she is, is probably shaking her head at her.

_(“Never let them see you beg. Begging is a weakness and they’ll take your weakness and they’ll destroy you, Rey. They’ll destroy you.”_

_“Who?”_

_“Everyone.”)_

 

“I _can’t_ , Rey.” She says this so softly, as if understanding Rey’s pain and maybe she does, but right now, Rey doesn’t think anyone can understand how her heart is breaking and shattering.

 

“He didn’t even say goodbye. He didn’t…he… _he_ …” And just like that, Rey is leaning forward and Leia is there, catching her as she sobs and sobs and sobs.

 

( _Come back_ , she remembers crying, _don’t go. Don’t leave me. Come back.)_  

* * *

 

She can almost feel his phantom touches when she makes her way across the street into her house and that makes her feel worse.

 

Her chin is wobbling and her eyes are red from crying and from the dark thoughts of being used and thrown away, swarming throughout the darkest parts of her mind. The part she thought disappeared when she was welcomed with open arms into the family she always wanted. Her grandfather is sitting on his chair, waiting for her and she tries to give him a smile but it comes out as a grimace as she collapses onto the couch and she’s dissolving into tears again.

 

Before she knows it, she’s being wrapped in her grandfather’s arms, his cologne familiar but not the one she wants to smell and she’s sobbing all over again, the pain too much for her to take.

 

(She thinks back to that day when he led her onto the bus during the Thanksgiving weekend that changes everything between them and begged him, pleaded with him with her eyes: _Don’t forget me._ _Don’t forget me. Don’t forget me. Don’t hurt me._

 

And she remembers his silent promise back: _I won’t. I won’t._

 

But Rey should have known better. She should have realized that promises were made to be broken.)

 

She sobs over the gentleness, over the push and pull, over the pleasure that he sought from her body and the pleasure she relished in his; she cries over his smile that’s beginning to fade, the lingering touches against the nape of her neck, the way he would cradle her face, pressing his forehead against hers and breathing words into her mouth like they were some sort of secret between them.

 

And she was. She was _(is)_ his secret.

 

So, she cries harder at another person lost to her and her grandfather whispers soothing nothings into her ears.

 

_Your parents_...she hears a voice whisper in the darkest part of her mind, _were a tragedy made by their own hands._

 

She supposes the apple never truly falls far from the tree then.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo.....yeah, that happened. BUT HAVE FAITH OKAY? But like, I'm sorry...but not really sorry...? I'M EVIL I KNOW. OMG. I'm just going to hide over here, on the other side of the world. Hoth sounds pretty good right now. 
> 
> I LOVE YOU GUYS SO SO MUCH. IT'S UNREAL. THANK YOU A MILLION TIMES OVER!


	6. In a time lapse (and the discoveries we find at night)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LITERALLY. I LOVE YOU ALL. YOU ARE ALL AMAZING. AND I AM OFFICIALLY SLAYED BY ALL YOUR LOVE. THANK YOU SO MUCH! The title to this chapter is taken from Ludovico Einaudi's album (and song of the same name) 'In a Time Lapse' as well as another song on the album 'Discovery at Night'. 
> 
> SO. Who's ready from some Rey's parents backstory? You are? GOOD. I am so nervous but excited and ENJOY!

Finn crawls into bed with her when the sun is high in the sky and her chest feels like a hollow shell of what it used to be. He wraps his arms around her and doesn’t say anything, instead, just places his forehead on the back of her head and they fall asleep like this sometimes and other times, they sit up, her laptop balanced precariously between them while they watch shitty reality television and laugh at the lives that aren’t theirs.

 

“It sucks,” she tells him one night, staring up at the night sky. It’s after she’s done her wallowing, after she swallowed her self-pity and finally took a shower and ventured into the light of day, breathing in the air around her. Finn hollers when he sees her, in a conversation with her grandfather and his. He grabs her by the arm, yanks her towards the front of the house and tells their grandfathers that they’re _going out_ and _don’t wait up_ and _this is the final summer of our youth_ _and you bet your ass we’re going to live it_ and Rey suddenly feels guilty because while she’s been wallowing, Finn has been right beside her, always armed with a smile and always with what she needs and she thinks that if she owes anyone in this world, the man in front of her is at the top of the list. So, they walk the boardwalk arm-in-arm and eat ice cream, sitting on the bench at the pier watching the stars come out, twinkling one by one. “It just…it sucks.”

 

Being in love. Getting your heart broken. Everything in between. It just sucks that they were caught in this situation where maybe passion is all they had and maybe it wasn’t enough. Her chest stutters and her breath hitches. Maybe _she_ wasn’t enough.

 

Maybe, she was never enough for anyone. 

* * *

 

Coruscant University isn’t far from the house but she’s there on soccer scholarship and her grandfather tells her that living on campus will add to her experience but Rey doesn’t want to stay in a dorm surrounded by people she doesn’t know and will spend the next handful of years complaining about. So, instead, she stays in the same house she’s been in for the past couple of years, eyes always searching the house across the street, looking down the road whenever she hears a car that sounds newer and fancier than most.

 

She ignores the glances her grandfather gives her, ignores the pitying looks from the Dameron’s; the distraught looks from Leia and Luke and instead, spends her days working on the Falcon with Han, trying to save it from ruin and if there’s anything Rey can do well, it’s salvage things.

 

It’s on one of those nights, when she’s wiping her hand on a spare rag, wiping off the grease from her hands that Han goes around the to the driver’s seat and turns on the ignition. It makes a sputtering sound that gives way to a smooth roar and Rey smiles, Han hoots, Leia claps slowly rolling her eyes alongside with Anna, her grandfather and Luke are laughing, Mace is calling dibs on shotgun, Cliff is already mapping a roadtrip, Finn is shaking his head laughing at the antics of old men and Han gets out of the car, clapping her on the shoulder and pulling her close to his chest.

 

“Thanks kid, you saved my baby.”

 

“It’s a pity you fixed it. I was almost happy to see the damned thing gone.” Leia calls out from her spot on the porch.

 

Han glares at her playfully and Rey’s heart pulls at her chest. Han glances down at her and his smile fades into a softer more serious look. “You saved him, you know?”

 

Rey backs away slowly, begging off from the group with tiredness that no one argues.

 

_You saved him, you know?_

 

Except, she doesn’t know what she saved him from. 

* * *

 

_(“You’ve changed me.” He whispers into her ear, his breath tickling her and she giggles and then moans when he moves his hips and he’s there_ , there _, in that one spot that always makes her weak and see stars._

_She’s gripping his shoulders, wrapping her legs around his waist and then she’s running her hands down his back, trying to find something to ground her. “How?” She asks, arching her back and silently begging him to move harder and faster._

_But he doesn’t and maybe this should have been her hint, maybe this should have warned her that this was going to be the last night they would be so entangled with one another that she doesn’t know where he begins and she ends or that maybe, they were never really separate beings to begin with. Maybe they were meant to always be this way, always meant, from the beginning, to become so enraptured with one another._

_“Everything is changing.” His voice is strained and she can see the muscles in his arm coil tightly. “Can’t you see it? Can’t you feel it?”_

_She’d be lying if she didn’t. But then again, she felt everything change the moment her eyes locked on his that day at the airport, what seems like forever and a half ago. And have they only known each other for two years? It feels longer. It feels like they’ve known each other their whole lives and he’s always felt so familiar to Rey, as if he was something lurking inside of her this whole time, manifesting himself only when she managed to free herself from the hell that was Jakku._

_[And the sad thing is, she isn’t even the one who saved herself. It was Gemma. And maybe even Teedo._

_Rey’s eyes always burn thinking about Gemma.]_

_She blinks, staring at him and he’s staring at her with the same intensity that he always stares at her with and she’s getting lost in his gaze again, reading everything he tries to hide and trying to delve deeper than she thinks he wants her to. She wants to get under his skin. She wants to make her home there, in his blood so that when he bleeds, he bleeds Rey. The thought scares her so much, her breath catches and tears leak from the corner of her eyes. She wonders if he feels the same and then her mind is a storm of images, of when he walked in on her and Donavan, of every time he touched her, kissed her, slipped inside of her, claiming her just as much as she claims him and she knows the truth he doesn’t say._

_He presses his forehead against her so that their nose are against each other and their breaths come out as one, his hips finally (finally) picking up speed but never fast enough for her to lose her sense of self, her self of them and slowly but surely, she’s falling apart underneath him…and there’s something so intrinsically different about this time, something in the way he gasps her name as if it’s an absolution he’s begging her to give, something in the way he holds on to her, something in the way he slips his hands underneath her back and pulls her closer to him until every single part of their body is touching and there is something in the way he kisses her, so deeply, as if trying to memorize every single detail of her._

Yes _, she thinks desperately, almost sobbing into his mouth because it’s all_ too _much, she feels and hears and yearns too much._ Yes,I do feel it. I feel you and it terrifies me.

_“Don’t be afraid,” he says against her lips, speaking the words so softly that she almost can’t hear him above their thundering hearts, “I feel it too.”_

_It’s a slow descent into madness, being with him but nothing feels better than being with him in this moment, rising and falling together, as one.)_  

* * *

 

Before she starts university, Rey is surprised in the form of a girl, still small but slightly taller and with blonde curls that bounce when she collides into Rey’s waist. It takes Rey a second before she realizes the blonde for who she is. “Dee?”

 

“Surprise!” Dee says, smiling so wide that Rey thinks her face is going to split open. “Maz said we could come visit. I’ve missed you!” She mumbles the last bit into Rey’s stomach.

 

Rey has to blink rapidly to hide the onslaught of tears and she gets down on her knees, pulling Dee back and looking at her, hands cupping her face. “You…look at you!”

 

The two are staring at each other, smiles wide until Dee’s lips wobble and she starts laughing until she cries, her chest heaving up and down and Rey remembers that she’s not the only person in the world mourning. 

* * *

 

The woman Maz, is a short woman with wide eyes that have seen too much. Rey has trouble looking her in the eyes, afraid that if she does, Maz will see right to the pit of her soul. Instead, Rey holds onto Dee like the younger is her lifeline and grieving in the fact that sometimes, Dee doesn’t hold her as tightly as she used to.

 

She listens to Dee talk about living in a house as large as a castle and school and the friends she’s made and how when she grows up and she’s going to be a _psychic_.

 

“A psychic?” Rey asks.

 

Maz chuckles from her spot next to Rey’s grandfather and Luke. She looks at Dee with soft and loving eyes and Rey knows without a shadow of a doubt that Dee has found a good and loving home. She breathes a little easier, unaware of how tense she was with the thought that Dee would leave Plutt’s and go to another place just as bad or worse. But her worry has been for naught and if anything, the look Maz gives her speaks of her understanding that Rey was worried for the little girl who used to share Rey’s bed when the nightmares became too much. “Psychologist, darling.”

 

“But what if I want to be a psychic?”

 

“Then you can be a psychic.”

 

Dee leans back in her chair and smiles, looking at Rey with a toothy grin that she used to share with Rey and the other girls at the House. “Look, Rey, I could be anything I want to be now!”

 

Rey nods, patting her hair, marveling at how soft and bright it is. “You could be.” Rey agrees. 

* * *

 

Rey is outside, sitting on the patio, body drinking in the last dying days of summer when she hears the back door open and she can feel someone sit next to her and is almost surprised to see Maz. Rey gives her a small grateful smile. “Thank you.” Rey starts, when it becomes clear that Maz isn’t going to say anything. “For…for taking care of Dee. I…she means a lot to me. She…means a lot to all of us.” _We all meant a lot to each other._

 

_(“Look,” Talia says, hands on her hips and looking like the leader she is now that Hera is gone and never to be seen again. Her eyes betray her though. They show fear where her voice is steady. “Attachments, they make you weak, okay? They’re a liability and you really should always,_ always _, look out for yourself and fuck everyone else.” She takes a deep breath, looking around the room at Rey, Dee, Roz and Gemma. “But we…we’re all we have right now, okay? So, you protect yourselves and we protect each other, okay? And we will never_ ever _be each other’s weaknesses. We will not be each liabilities.”_

_Roz nods, picking at hang nail on her ring ringer. “We’re all each other have.” She repeats._

_They nod, an agreement forming between them and Rey is too young to understand what it really means.)_

 

Maz smiles and it’s soft, just like her. “She used to cry for you. At night, when her nightmares would take over.” The confession staggers Rey and she feels guilty for not being there. She feels guilty for not fighting for Dee, for not doing something more than just letting her go.

 

( _Come back,_ she remembers crying, _don’t go. Don’t leave me. Come back.)_

 

“She doesn’t have nightmares anymore.”

 

She doesn’t have nightmares anymore and doesn’t call out for Rey anymore and maybe she should start making marks again, a mark for everyone who eventually leaves her. Starting with her parents and ending with Ben. Rey lets out a breath of laughter and it’s hollow. “I…” She trails off, unsure of what she was going to say. She _what?_ She sometimes dreams of Jakku? Sometimes dreams of spending nights tucked in Talia’s arms and listening to Roz and Gemma exchange stories and making faces at Dee when she couldn’t sleep? That she dreams about Ben? About his touches and his kisses and how she wakes up, panic lacing into her veins because she’s starting to forget the brown of his eyes and the way his mouth crinkles when he smiles? That she’s starting to forget which constellation his freckles and moles make up and that the pictures she has of him (of them) _aren’t_ enough? That nothing is ever fucking enough anymore?

 

She’s spent her whole life, _wanting_. She’s spent her whole life trying to find somewhere to belong since her parents took that choice from her.

 

And then she feels guilty all over again because her grandfather didn’t have to take her in. He could have easily left her to be the tragedy that her parents were. But he didn’t. He opened his arms and house and heart and let her in and she _still_ doesn’t feel like she belongs.

 

No, instead, the only sense of belong was with a man who left her as easily as everyone else did.

 

“You hate him.” Maz says, there is no question, there is no prologue, no trying to get the answers out of her and Rey idly wonders who told her their versions of their sordid little tale of apparent tragedy and woe.

 

Rey shakes her head, wrapping her arms around her legs. “No.” She admits. “I don’t…I couldn’t ever…I…” _I love him. I love him. Ilovehim. And it hurts._

 

_I love him and I thought he was my home._

_I love him and they thought I could save him and maybe I did but who saved me?_

 

“I just want…” _My parents. Talia. Roz. Dee. Jess. Gemma._

 

_(“What’s this?” Rey asks, picking up a tube as she watches Gemma get ready, wearing a dress that she knows isn’t hers and carefully pinning her hair, while Roz tries to help and fails because she’s laughing too hard._

_Talia’s lounging on the bed, legs braced against the wall and snorting with suppressed laughter._

_Gemma rolls her eyes at the m and smiles at Rey, her blue eyes gleaming. “It’s called lipstick and since these two shits can’t be bothered, I’ll teach you.”_

_“Why?” Roz asks and it’s not malicious, more pure curiosity. “We’re in the middle of the desert. You’re going to sweat it off anyways.”_

_“Sometimes, a woman just wants to look good.”_

_“Okay.” Talia adds, “_ One _, you’re barely a woman and_ two _, it’s fucking Teedo.” She cackles. “Literally.”_

_Roz chokes on air, face going red and Talia hollers, Dee laughing along without really knowing why._

_Gemma sighs and curls her index finger at Rey and Rey stumbles off the bed, taking a seat on bureau and listening to everything Gemma says, letting her paint her face with everything she has, everything she managed to scavenge. “There.” She says, putting the finishing touches, the lipstick that Rey was eyeing earlier. It slides on her lips easily and it smells different than anything Rey is used to. “Smack your lips, like this.” Gemma presses her lips together, imitating a smack and Rey copies her. Gemma gestures to the mirror and Rey marvels at the face staring back at her. She looks different. She looks older, a little bit more sophisticated and her eyes are a bright hazel instead of dark and her freckles are covered but if she looks hard enough, Rey can still see them and she looks so different that she almost touches her own face but Gemma’s hand stops her, shaking her head and she presses her temple close to Rey’s, giving her that soft little grin that makes Rey hesitantly smile back._

_“I look different.” Rey comments, tracing her reflection in the mirror, trying to comprehend that the girl staring back at her is her. “I could be anyone I wanted to be.”_

_“You could be.” Gemma says softly.)_

 

Ben. All she wants is Ben.

 

“I can see it.” Maz says quietly, “It’s in your eyes, you know.”

 

“What is?” Rey asks.

 

“You want to belong somewhere so badly that you fail to realize the belonging you seek is not behind you, but in front of you.”

 

The door creaks open again and Rey can hear Dee’s voice, melodic and clear. “Rey! There you are!”

 

Maz pats Rey’s shoulder, squeezing it once and then letting go, before pressing a kiss to Dee’s head. When Maz leaves, Dee plops down ungracefully, huffing and puffing before leaning her head on Rey’s shoulders. They’re both silent before Rey hears Dee sigh. “Do you ever think about them?”

 

She doesn’t have to ask to know who Dee is talking about. “All the time.”

 

“Me too.” Dee admits in a small voice, wrapping her arms around Rey’s waist. “I miss you guys sometimes so bad it hurts.”

 

“I know.” Rey says, her voice croaking. “I know.” 

* * *

 

Dee and Maz leave bright and early the next day. Dee hugs her tightly, tells her to _call and write more_ and _good luck in university, Rey! You’re going to do great!_

 

Maz pulls her into a tight hug, surprising Rey, but she hugs back, clinging to the older woman in her disappearing grief. 

* * *

 

The night before her first day of classes, she’s in her mother’s room, looking at old photographs and laying on her bed, trying to discern why her mother would have left this house that echoes with so much love. Why she would have traded this life for a tragic one?

 

She can hear her grandfather’s footsteps, creaking down the hall, closer to the room, as Rey lounges, a torn and worn _Peter Pan_ book on her chest. She’s long since given up reading and is instead, just fingering the ripped cover page and tracing the inscription written inside.

 

_To my fierce Z, look to the second star to the right and straight on till morning,_

_Love, your father._

 

“I used to read that to your mother every night.” Her grandfather speaks, leaning against the doorjamb and Rey jolts, both expecting and not expecting him. He chuckles and makes his way inside, his eyes glisten with sadness when he steps further and further into the room and when he takes a seat on the edge of the bed, Rey can almost see him deflate. “She loved the Lost Boys. Not Tinkerbelle. Not Wendy or Peter Pan, the Lost Boys.”

 

“Why?” Rey asks.

 

He looks at her with surprise, his eyes crinkling as his lips turn up in a desolate smile. “You know, I never really asked her.”

 

Rey nods, shifting until she’s curled on her side, knees tucked into her chest. “Will you tell me about them now?” She asks, itching to know more about her parents who lives were a tragedy made by their own hands.

 

He sighs and nods. He’s silent for a bit, fingers splaying across the old bed sheet. “Your father…your father…I don’t think there was ever any doubt that he loved your mother...but he did bad things. Worked for bad people and wanted power too much that it sometimes consumed him to the point of overcoming him and your mother, for the longest time was the opposite. She was the light to his darkness.” He gives Rey a twisted smile. “I didn’t like it, you know. I was against it from the beginning because I could see it…see what would happen, what would become of them.” He shakes his head, trying to shake himself out of memories she doesn’t know about. “I could just…for the longest time, I blamed Han.”

 

“Han?”

 

Her grandfather nods, gaze sliding to the photo of her mother at her soccer game, on the shoulders of her teammates and trophy raised in the air, a brilliant grin on her face. “She loved Leia like a sister and by extent loved Han.”

 

“And Luke?”

 

He’s almost hesitant to answer. “Luke loved your mother probably more than your mother knew. More than I probably cared for him to. Your mother…she was all I had.” He sucks in a deep breath. “She made Leia tell Han that he had to be there for her championship game and Leia hated to disappoint your mother so when she finally got hold of Han, she laid into him and threatened him that he had to show up.” There is a ghost of a smile on his face at the memory. “He showed up, your father and Chewie in tow and the moment Han introduced them…I could see her lose sight of everyone and just zero in on him.” He gives her a glance and it’s full of knowing, full of pain. “It’s a strange thing when you first realize that your baby girl isn’t a baby girl anymore and that maybe the path she’s bound to go down isn’t the path you ever wanted for her.” There is beat of silence. “We fought about it a lot. Your mother was headstrong and willful and it didn’t matter that your father would leave for months on end, he would always come back to her and she would disappear further and further, becoming someone I didn’t recognize anymore. She wouldn’t listen to Leia, she wouldn’t listen to Han, refused to listen to Luke.”

 

Her grandfather sighs, shoulders tightening. “Your father rose in the ranks of the Order charter he was in and he promised your mother the world and your mother promised him back the universe.”

 

“The Order?” Rey says hesitantly, her mouth forming the letters that form the word that seems so familiar to her.

 

His eyes darken. “They are not good people, Rey. They have done horrible, horrible things and your father was the leader of it and he was…he could be and was _vicious_.” He winces, shaking his head. “I…he was a good man, Han wouldn’t have befriended him if he wasn’t and he was always respectful when he came to see your mother but I couldn’t…it’s hard to keep your head when it comes to the man, you feel is destroying the only light left in the world. We had a fight one night and she was trying to convince me that with Bane at the helm, they could change the Order, make it into something good and _I_ knew everything there was about the Order, I was young once too, you know and they…there was nothing one could do to make them change, except for destroy them from the inside out but your father loved power and your mother loved your father and I could _see_ it, you know, I could see her caving into being the Queen, Bane said she would be at his side. I told her I couldn’t recognize her, I told her that she wasn’t my daughter and she…she looked like I slapped her and I tried to take the words back, try to tell her that I didn’t mean it but she…it was too late.” Her grandfather looks so sad telling her this. Looks so broken and deteriorated, tears and a lifetime of regret pooling in his eyes. “She was in her bed when I went to sleep but…but the next morning she wasn’t there.” He looks around the room, running a hand over her face. “Some of her clothes were gone, a few things here and there, gone and I knew…I just…I _knew_. I searched all over, called in every favor I was owed but your father was good at hiding his tracks and I never…I could never find out where she was.”

 

He takes in a deep breath and Rey watches him, riveted. “A couple years after that, I got a picture in the mail. It was a small picture, your father, your mother and you. You…the three of you looked so happy and your mother looked like she hadn’t aged a bit and there you were, the granddaughter I never knew. There was no return address, no names, no nothing. You were there but untraceable. Every year, on your birthday, a card would come,” and she looks to the bedside bureau where the photo with its loss of color was sitting in a frame and she wonders how her grandfather felt, getting a picture of the daughter he lost and the granddaughter he never knew. She wondered how he felt watching them grow in photos but never able to see them. “Until one day, the cards stopped coming.” There is another beat of silence and Rey doesn’t even attempt to breathe. “Your parents loved you, Rey. There’s no doubt in my mind about that. And I…it was only a few years ago, when Lor San Tekka called me and sent a picture of you to me that I knew…you…you looked so much like her and Lor…Lor loved your mother almost as much as anyone. She called him uncle when he would visit and it wasn’t until you started growing up that he saw the resemblance.” He stops, takes the breath that Rey is too afraid to take and continues. “Your parents defected. When your mother fell pregnant, there was another man rising to power and the man behind him is as awful as they come. He’s a master manipulator and he has no sense of mercy.” Her grandfather is almost shaking with restrained fury that she has never seen from the peaceful man. “Your mother recognized this and recognized that he would see her pregnancy as a weakness and sooner rather than later, your father realized it too but by then they were too far entrenched in the Order. So, he told your mother to leave and she did. She ran and ran and ran and never thought to run back home.”

 

“The story goes is that for years your father would visit long enough to see you, long enough to reassure himself that you two were still alive and she would coerce him into a photo, because there was apparently nothing your mother couldn’t not get him to do. So, when she asked him to leave the Order, when you were about six, I believe, when she asked him to run with her the way she ran with him, he agreed.” His eyes start watering and Rey can feel something heavy in her chest. “When he returned to the Order to get ready to leave, he was found out and they were afraid that your mother was cooperating with the police so they had bounty hunters with death orders sent after you both. Your father was furious and he railed against them, fighting them but they overwhelmed him and killed him.”

 

His breath is wheezing and Rey recognizes the onset of sobs and she can feel her lips trembling along with his. “Your mother…when she found out, she was already on Jakku, apparently they were going to meet there and then run off somewhere remote. Hoth, probably, if they were being smart and knowing your mother, that was likely her intention. She heard and so she left you with Plutt, telling him that she would be back for you but she…she needed to settle certain matters.”

 

“I remember.” Rey breaks through, tears burning her eyes and she runs the back of her hand against her nose, sniveling into her mothers pillow. “I remember.” ( _Come back,_ she remembers crying, _don’t go. Don’t leave me. Come back.)_ “She was never planning on coming back, was she?”

 

Her grandfather looks at her with sad eyes and shakes his head. “I think she knew.” He tells her. “She knew that going back and trying to avenge your lives would only lead to her death but for the longest time, he was all she had and she…she loved him and she thought…she thought she was leaving you somewhere safe. I have no doubt that part of her thought she was strong enough _to_ come back to you…but the Order…they’re _merciless.”_

 

“They killed her.” She looks at her grandfather with growing horror. “All this time…” she flails for words, looking around the kept room in pristine condition. “All this time you thought she would come back and you didn’t know she was dead.”

 

Her grandfather looks at her and his shoulders start to shake, heaving sobs emitting from his throat that feel like a knife to the heart and suddenly Rey regrets asking him to share this with her. She regrets finding out that her parents died for each other but seemingly forgot to live for their daughter.

 

Rey sobs, throwing herself into her grandfather’s arms.

 

Her grandfather pulls back, smoothing her hair from her face and wiping her tears away with his thumbs and she idly wonders how often he did this to her mother. “I’m sorry, Rey.” He tells her. “I’m so sorry.”

 

“I waited and waited and waited.” Rey tells him brokenly. “But no one came. No one came and everyone leaves.”

 

He whispers soothing nothings into her ears, both of them crying over a tragedy that never truly left them. 

* * *

 

_(“My family is coming back for me.” Is the first that comes out of her mouth when Hera introduces her to Talia, Roz and Gemma._

_Roz and Gemma stare at her pityingly but Talia just laughs and Hera shushes her violently._

_Hera stares at her with soft eyes and runs a hand down her hair. “I’m sure they are. Who would ever want to willingly leave you behind?”_

_But as the seconds bleed to minutes, minutes into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, weeks into months and months into years, Rey finds that there are plenty of people who would willingly leave her behind.)_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO NERVOUS TO SEE WHAT YOU ALL THINK. I LOVE YOU ALL. THANK YOU SO MUCH!


	7. Tell the ones, the ones I loved (I never will forget)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: It's Jakku time. Specifically the Jakku girls, so TAKE IN THE WARNINGS. Triggers are: talks and allusions of rape, talks and allusions to suicide and it's just...this Jakku is not a friendly nor happy one. So, read heed the warnings. And please turn back if this is uncomfortable for any of you. 
> 
> Title is taken from Nicholas Hooper's 'In Noctem.'
> 
> HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS. THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH! WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS HOW MUCH I LOVE AND ADORE YOU. I JUST...THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! Literally, you all take my breath away, it's unreal.

University starts and Rey finds herself concentrating on her studies. She and Finn often spend most of their nights late at library or in one of their rooms, commandeering a corner or a desk and working until they can’t see straight, laughing from exhaustion and giggling over Jess’ messages and photos she takes with her phone that she’s not allowed to have.

 

She misses her, Rey realizes with a pang. She has Finn and she loves Finn, loves him _so much_ , but she _misses_ Jess. Misses the way she would curl her arm into hers, or throw an arm around her shoulder. She misses the way Jess would talk, full of sarcasm and wit and she misses that protectiveness that pours from her. She still hasn’t told Jess everything about Ben, never feeling well about telling her over message, so she resolves to tell her when she comes back, stories spilling from each other’s lips and Rey thinks they’ll exchange stories and shed tears into the night.

 

(Rey isn’t wrong, but for now, she concentrates on school.) 

* * *

 

She wakes up one night, gasping, struggling for breath, tears burning her, chest heaving and body shaking when she realizes that her dreams have faded from color into the horrifyingly familiar black and white from before and it _haunts_ her. Makes her feel sick to stomach and she yearns for the kaleidoscope of colors that became like a balm to an open wound.

 

(And isn’t it such an _odd_ thing, to be surrounded by the desert and the never ending sun that eclipsed everything in its bright but heavy light and yet she always, _always_ , used to dream in black and white.)

 

She’s still gasping as she reaches for her phone, wincing at the bright light, fingers trembling as she unlocks it and clicks on her camera, frustrated with the way it loads and the way she has to skim through what feels like a hundred photos until she finds it.

_(He’s smiling at her. It’s a soft sort of smile, the one that makes her knees weak and her palms sweat. It’s the sort of smile that she thinks she could die looking at and still crave, even when she’s faced with whatever comes after death. The sort of smile that has a secret, the small kind, almost mischievous in a way she thinks he hasn’t been for so long and she thinks that artists would kill to paint this smile and she thinks that if she were an artist she would paint him into infamy._

_And maybe it’s where he stands, and the lighting that envelops him in a soft glow, that casts a halo over his body, as if he’s made of mist and with one touch, he’ll disappear from her vision. And maybe it’s because whenever she sees him, his eyes sink deeper into a black abyss that becomes harder and harder for her to draw him out of. And maybe it’s because she’s losing Ben to the shadow that is Kylo Ren and maybe it scares her so much that she waits until the very last second now, until the final call for her bus has been announced for her to leave his embrace. There’s a thousand_ maybe’s, _a thousand thoughts running through her head but all of them pale in comparison because he’s looking at her with eyes that speak of a love he hasn’t confessed and a soft smile made of a thousand little secrets his mouth has yet to trace along her body._

_So, she takes her phone and because she can’t paint and she can’t draw, she instead takes a photo, so that in the dead of the night when she can’t remember the way his nose curves or the cupid’s bow of his lips or the way his forehead crinkles right before a sneeze, she’ll have_ this _photo, this little piece of history they made together when the sun rose above the city and embraced them in its light.)_

 

She stares at the photo, until her hands begin to sweat and her heart starts to hurt and only then does she locks her phone, staring at the blackness that overcomes it and shoves it underneath her pillow, curling into the fetal position and sniffles, closing her eyes and falling into an exhausted sleep.

* * *

She dreams in black and white _._

* * *

_A blur of images skid across her vision, things she doesn’t remember, things she thinks don’t exist outside of her sleep-induced haze. There are shadows against the walls, slithering away and slithering towards her. There is darkness, enveloping her, suffocating her until she’s struggling for breath and then there’s an island in the middle of an ocean she’s never seen before and she images how it would look like in color and she thinks,_ I want to go there.

_Sometimes, there are hands holding hers and they feel familial in a way she knows, soft indiscernible voices, muffled in the darkness, whispering things she doesn’t understand, can’t seem to fully comprehend but all she knows is that it aches and aches and aches._

_And then, there are the dreams of him, of a familiar shadowed figure in black, tall against her smaller frame, hands outstretched in between them and Rey places her palms on his, watching as their fingers interlace and everything is_ so _familiar and so different at the same time. There is still something there, even in her dreams, something like an electric current that streams through her veins, that makes her heart beat faster until it’s all she can hear. She’s staring at him, or what she thinks is him but she can never see him, can never see his face or his eyes or make out the contours of his face; all she feels are his hands, long and strong in her grip and it makes her stomach clench because all she wants to do is reach out and trace the constellations of freckles and moles on his face._

_(All at once, this shadow, this phantom of a man she used to know, makes excites and terrifies her.)_

_“Don’t be afraid.” It’s barely a whisper that echoes through her head and it’s distorted in a way no voice should ever be. “I feel it too.”_

_And then, like the other hands that feel familial in a way she’s starting to know, he disappear and she’s left desolate in her own dreams._

_(Come back, she cries, don’t go. Don’t leave me. Come back.)_

* * *

She and Finn celebrate finishing exams and making it through first semester of university by collapsing into her bed and sleeping until mid evening.

 

She doesn’t know what wakes her, having long since grown accustomed to Coruscant’s lively environment that never seems to slow down. Finn is still sleeping, she can hear his soft snores and she frowns when she hears voices from downstairs, so she follows them, avoiding the creaks in the wood and makes her way down the stairs as soft and quietly as she can.

 

Leia is there, along with Luke and Han and she’s not surprised, they’re usually always over but this time, she can sense the urgency falling from them.

 

“Have you heard from him?” Her grandfather asks quietly.

 

Rey can almost see Leia shake her head. “No. He’s gone completely silent. I haven’t…we haven’t…Oh, Luke, _what have we done_?”

 

“What we had to do.” Her twin brother answers just as quietly, thoughtfully. “He knows what he’s doing, you…you have to trust him.”

 

“You’re asking a lot from my son, Luke.” Han growls.

 

She can almost see the wry smile that is both sad and reminiscent grace Luke’s face. “It’s the soldier in me.” And Rey almost rears back in wonderment because there is still so much she doesn’t know. So much she failed to find out, becoming so entrenched with and in Ben.

 

Leia nods in agreement. “We have to…Ben knows what he’s doing…what’s at stake. We just…we have to be patient.”

 

“And how do we know when he’s dead?” Han asks, his voice is sharp and hard.

 

Rey’s hand covers her mouth, guarding the gasp that threatens to escape.

 

“Han!” Leia snarls.

 

“Leia,” Rey’s grandfather interjects quietly, “You do know it is a possibility. Anyone who goes up against the Order…you _know_ what they are capable of.”

 

The Order. _The Order_.

 

 _The fucking Order_. God. Rey can never escape from them.

 

First her parents and now Ben.

 

She has never hated a group of people as much as she finds herself hating the Order.

 

“That’s not…that’s not the only thing I came to talk about.” Leia says, collecting herself and suddenly she’s _General Organa_ , the woman who stood in Rey and Dee’s doorjamb at Plutt’s as chaos reigned outside of the doorway and asked to come in.

 

_(On her sixteenth birthday, Rey wakes up before the sun fully rises, to shouts and yells and banging that nearly sets her into a panic attack. Dee is up and is starting to cry, startled from all of the noise and the commotion that is enveloping the house. Rey gets up from her bed to Dee’s and pulls her into a tight hug, keeping an eye on their closed door. There are still slams of opening doors and yelling and she can hear the other kids start to cry and the older boys trying to fight off imagined monsters but above all the din, she hears footsteps come closer and closer to their door and Rey feels Dee whimper, fingers digging into her back. The doorknob wiggles and the door swings open gently and Rey is staring at a short woman in a business suit, her hair twisted in an intricate get up and she almost feels a kinship with this woman, marveling at her hair in such a fashion that Rey can almost relate, given her favored three buns that have been the brunt of many a joke._

_[“How many buns does Rey like?”_

_“How many?”_

_“Three!”_

_The joke wasn’t even a funny joke and Gemma would always cuff them over the head when they joked about it._

_Rey’s eyes always burn at the thought of Gemma.]_

_“Rey?” The woman says in a gentle tone. She doesn’t take a step further in the room, as chaos reigns behind her. “Rey Kenobi?”_

_Rey startles at the last name that she never had. “I’m Rey…but I don’t have a last name.”_

_The woman’s eyes are shining as she looks at her. “Can I come in?”_

_Rey nods hesitantly and the woman walks into the room, leaving the door open and taking a seat on Rey’s unmade bed, when she gestures towards the empty bed and Rey nods. “We have reason to believe that you are Rey Kenobi and your grandfather has been looking for you and your parents for a very long time.”_

_Rey blinks. “I don’t…I don’t know where my parents are.”_

_The woman closes her eyes, as if in pain and when she opens them, she’s looking at Rey with so much gentleness and so much sympathy it nearly staggers her. “We’re here to take you to your grandfather. He’s been waiting for you.”_

_Dee whimpers and holds on tighter to Rey._

_“This is Dee.” Rey says, “and she’s…we…I…”_

_The woman leans forward. “There is someone who is very interested and happy to adopt Dee. She wouldn’t…she wouldn’t live where you are but she would be safe and loved.” Dee’s head holts up, a sense of surprise painted on her face._

_“General.” Another older woman is at the door, looking in. She’s taller than the woman sitting on the bed, her features softer, eyes a light brown. “Plutt has been apprehended and on his way to processing. Some of the children are malnourished and are being taken to the hospital.” She looks at Rey and Dee. “What about…” She trails off, unsure of what else to say._

_The woman on the bed shakes her head and the other woman falls silent. Rey wants to know what they’re saying. She wants to know what’s happening. She wants to know where Roz is (but no one will ever tell her where Roz is.)_

_“Dee,” The General says, “Why don’t you go with Agent Pava. She’ll ask you some questions and you do your best to answer, okay?”_

_Dee looks at Rey and Rey nods slowly. Dee gets up and follows Agent Pava who is speaking softly to Dee._

_The General is looking at Rey and then her eyes trail around the room, landing on the homemade card Dee must have placed on the bedside bureau sometime in the night. She always does this. For every holiday and every birthday, Dee finds scraps of paper and broken crayons and draws and draws and draws and writes in illegible writing but it makes Dee smile and Rey has a collection in her bedside drawer. “It’s your birthday today.” At Rey’s nod, she continues. “You’re sixteen, right?”_

_“How did you know?”_

_The General smiles. “Your grandfather is a very good friend of ours.”_

_“Ours?”_

_“My brother, husband, even my son.”_

_The General starts talking again but Rey can barely hear her, instead she’s concentrating on the word_ grandfather _and the fact that she has a family that has apparently been looking for her and maybe, just_ maybe _, he knows where her parents are. Maybe, just_ maybe _, he can piece together her history that she can’t seem to remember. She wipes at her face when her vision becomes blurry and she shakes her head. She’s…this is actually happening. She’s leaving. Oh._ Oh God _, she can’t breathe, so she takes in a deep breath that gets stuck in her chest and then another one and another one until she can finally breathe in easily and she’s torn out of her state-of-mind when she catches the tail end of what the General is saying. “…there will need to be a blood test to make sure-”_

_“What?” Rey blurts out, panicking, thoughts of finally being able to leave vanishing from her mind._

_“There has to be a blood test, to match DNA.”_

_Rey blinks. “What if…what if I’m not…”_

_“Oh, oh, sweetie.” The General,_ Leia _, Rey comes to find out, says. “There is no doubt in my mind that you’re his granddaughter. You look exactly like her.” And she’s looking at Rey with so much gentleness, so much emotions, unshed tears and what seems like decades of pain, pooling in her eyes._

_“Who?”_

_The woman takes a deep breath, “Your mother. You look exactly like your mother.” She takes another deep breath, as if steeling herself. “Come on. The sooner we get out of here, the sooner we get the test done, the sooner the paperwork is filed and signed and the sooner you can go home.”)_

 

“…see him for a visit.” Leia finishes

 

“No.” Luke says. “Absolutely not.”

 

“That’s not your decision, Luke.” Leia reminds him gently.

 

“I’m with Luke on this one.” Han says. “Nobody willingly goes to Jakku unless it’s to leave junk they never wanted.” There is a beat of silence and then the sound of skin hitting skin and Han yelps. “Ouch! _Woman_! What the hell was that- _oh._ Oh _shit_. I didn’t…I didn’t mean that. Its just…Jakku _is_ a piece of shit, okay? And Rey got _out_ of there, why would she want to go back? To hear some supposed heartfelt confession from an even bigger piece of shit?”

 

Rey frowns.

 

“He was in love with a girl Rey used to know.” Leia says gently, reminding them that _she_ was there in the aftermath, not them.

 

Rey sucks in a deep breath. She’s never really spared a thought for Teedo but recognizes that to think about Gemma (and oh, how her eyes always _burn_ thinking about Gemma) is to think about Teedo because as much as they loved Gemma, Rey knows Teedo loved her too.

 

“It’s a bad idea.” Luke is adamant about her not going and for some reason it makes her angry and she doesn’t know if it’s because he doesn’t _know_ , and no one really _knows_ what happened but despite that he’s still trying to make the decision for her or maybe it’s because of the revelation that he loved her mother but never fought for her and how _different_ would her life be with Luke as her _father_?

 

She thinks of Ben and shudders, grimacing at the thought of living in a world where she and Ben were related instead of the tragedy they’re probably well on their way to becoming.

 

“It’s not your decision, Luke.” Her grandfather reminds him in a soft admonishing voice. “It’s Rey’s. And I think we should hear what she has to say. Rey?” Her grandfather calls out and Rey winces, stepping out from her place on the stairs and peering at them.

 

“Is Ben okay?” Is the first thing that comes out of her mouth.

 

Luke closes his eyes, Leia curses, Han smirks and her grandfather never takes his eyes off of her.

 

“Classified.” Leia barks at her, seemingly angry at Rey or at herself or Ben or the whole damned world for all Rey knows.

 

“The Order?”

 

Leia glances at her grandfather. “Need-to-know.” She pins Rey with a look. “And right now, _you’re_ in a _does-not-need-to-know_ category.” She holds up a hand when Rey opens her mouth to argue. “When and if that changes, I’ll let you know.”

 

Rey nods grudgingly, accepting defeat. There is silence and then Rey takes a deep breath. “I want to go.” She sucks in another deep breath. “To see Teedo. In Jakku.” She shakes her head and wrings the hem of her shirt. “Alone. I need…I need to do this alone.”

 

Her grandfather nods and looks at Leia who nods without taking a breath.

 

“I’ll get everything set up.” Leia says passing her by with the squeeze of the shoulder.

 

Her grandfather stretches out his hand and Rey doesn’t hesitate in slipping her hand in his, the familial feeling familiar in her grasp. 

* * *

 

Before she leaves for Jakku, she spies Luke out of the corner of her eyes, slipping outside and she makes her excuses, following him until she’s standing next to him.

 

“You loved her.” Rey says without preamble.

 

Luke is hesitant with his nod, but it’s there. “I did.” He gives her a side-glance and a rueful look. “My…my father…he wasn’t…well and when my mother gave birth she couldn’t…she couldn’t take care of us…her post-partum was too much so Leia and I were raised by two different families, knowing that we were out there but never really able to see each other. By the time our mother was well enough to take care of us, which was a few years, our father was off fighting in a war with your grandfather but my father wasn’t so lucky when he came out of it and he…fell into despair that he couldn’t really get himself out of. Leia opted to go back with the Organa family for a little bit. She couldn’t…she didn’t get along with our father but she loved our mother and me. Our father, he built something he shouldn’t have and then later regretted it but by then it was too late and he died. Leia never got to say goodbye and I think she never wanted to. She moved back home with us after the funeral. My mother was heart-broken and she died a handful of years later and your grandfather and mother lived across the street, your father refusing to leave mine and he helped us, a lot. He was our guardian and your mother…” Luke trails off, eyes clouding over. “It was hard not to love your mother. Your father felt the same way. When we found out that your father belonged to the Order we tried to make her see reason but your mother wouldn’t listen to anyone and by the time I tried to convince her to stay, it was too late and she was already gone.”

 

“She never knew you loved her.”

 

“If she didn’t know, Bane certainly did and Bane may have loved your mother but he was also possessive of her.”

 

“He killed for her.” Rey is extrapolating but it’s likely true and she supposes by Luke’s nod, he agrees with her assessment.

 

“He died for her. And you.” He adds. He sighs and turns around to look at her. “Be careful in Jakku, Rey.”

 

Rey nods and turns around to go back inside. “Are you going to come in?”

 

“In a little bit.”

 

Before Rey crosses the threshold, she turns her head just over her shoulder. “What did your father create that he shouldn’t have?”

 

There is a beat of silence and a defeated sigh that seems lifetimes in the making. “The Order.”

* * *

_(“One day,” Ben rants, his black hair flying and his fists clenching and unclenching as he stalks from one end of the room to the other. “One day I’m going to finish what my grandfather started and I’ll run it. I’ll be powerful, Rey. So fucking powerful.”_

_Rey is still sixteen when she shakes her head, thinking about Jakku and the power that people held there. “And who will you kill to get that power?” She snaps._

_He goes silent, stops his pacing and stares at her. “What?”_

_She gives him a twisted smile, memories flashing before her eyes. “You want power, you’re going to have to kill for it. I’ve seen what power can do and nobody wins. So, who will you have to kill to get it? Your mother? Uncle? Father?” She stands up, hands balled into tight fists, throat tight and she can still see their faces, still hear their voices, still see the way Talia would stumble and the way her bruises would mar her body and she can see Hera’s gentle face and then never see her again. And God, she can still see Gemma [and oh, how her eyes always burn thinking about Gemma] and she still doesn’t know what happened to Roz. “Me? Given the choice Ben, what would you pick? Me or power? Because you have to know that picking this power you keep going on about, picking this legacy that even your mother and uncle can’t and won't even think about, will mean killing us. Killing me. Is that what you want?”_

I know you _, she thinks to herself._ I could love you.

_He rears back like she’s hit him and she pushes past him and tries not to cry when he doesn’t call her back._

_[Later that night he knocks on their front door and Rey answers it. She moves to let him inside but he’s shaking his head and she can see his bloodied knuckles and haunted eyes. “I would never hurt you.” He croaks out._

_Rey nods slowly, hands reaching out for his tattered knuckles, fingertips grazing his wounds but he stumbles back from her, as if her touch burns him and walks down the driveway, disappearing into his house, all the while shaking out his hands, as if trying to shake her touch off of him._

_She looks down at the tips of her fingers, little drops of his blood staining them and she wonders what will become of them.])_

* * *

Jakku is the same as she remembers. Full of sand and hot.

 

It’s familiar, the way the sun beats on her skin, the way it feels like it’s cooking her alive and she remembers all the times she was out here rooting through wreckages, rooting through the junk people willingly left behind just to see if she could get something useful so Plutt could sell it. She almost shakes her head, wondering how they allowed it to go on for so long. But then again, she thinks that they were soundly beaten, body, mind and soul to even think about uprising. Because without Plutt, where would they go?

 

She shakes her head, her feet making their way across the familiar landscape to stand in front of a familiar door. She wonders if he’s still here and she knew while she was on the plane that he would be her first stop, though now that she’s here, she’s not quite sure of what she’s going to say. _Thank you for finally recognizing me and calling my grandfather?_

 

She’s not even able to knock before his door opens and he’s staring at her.

 

He’s gotten older. His grey hair turning white, his wrinkles more pronounced and his skin still that dark shade of tan that proves to her they’ve both lived a hard life.

 

Lor San Tekka gives her a smile and lets out a chuckle. “Don’t tell me you’ve missed this dump.” It’s not a question, more of a statement but it makes Rey laugh and then she steps forward, wrapping her arms around his waist and leaning into him for a hug. He’s surprised, Rey can tell. He stops breathing, if just for a moment, but then his arms wrap around her back and his pats are awkward at best but meaningful at most.

 

“Thank you.” She breathes, taking in the scent of sweat and sand and grease and it’s so familiar to her that it aches.

 

“I’m sorry it took me so long.” He murmurs.

 

Rey doesn’t say anything; instead she hugs him tighter and doesn’t let herself think about what would have happened if she was made to wait any longer.

 

When she lets him go, he invites her in for lunch and she agrees, eating with him in his kitchen while he tells her about everything she missed. He sighs and pushes back his plate and she knows the question he’s going to ask before he asks it. “What are you doing back here, Rey?”

 

_(When you get the chance, run. Run and never come back, Rey.)_

 

“Teedo wants to see me.” She feels weird saying that because for so many years, she’s tried to avoid Teedo, tried to avoid his group of friends and most certainly did her best to avoid his employer, Nox.

 

“You don’t owe that boy anything.” Lor San Tekka reminds her gently.

 

Doesn’t she, though? Rey isn’t stupid. She knows the deal he took, knows that what happened to Gemma (and oh, how her eyes always burn thinking about Gemma) took its toll on him and maybe, just _maybe_ , she doesn’t owe _Teedo_ anything. Maybe, just _maybe_ , she doesn’t _want_ to owe Teedo anything, no one would blame her for that. But she does owe _Gemma_. And so she tells him this. “Maybe not. But I do owe Gemma.”

 

Lor San Tekka’s eyes close and he sucks in a deep breath. “I should have done more.”

 

Rey shakes her head. “You did enough.” She says, reaching over and grabbing his old hand in hers. Looking at him now, after living with her grandfather and people who love her, after living with her _family_ , she thinks he reminds her of her grandfather, in the way he holds himself and the way he feels guilt so acutely in his bones. “You did enough.” And he did. She remembers the extra food he would give them, the care he showed them whenever he would come upon them or whenever they would come to him for a favor, to see if his guys could fix something that Rey couldn’t. She remembers him giving Rey bags of things to tinker with and things to fix and in exchange he would offer her sustenance that Plutt would deny them.

 

Rey remembers it all.

 

“It’s still there, you know.” He says after a beat, opening his eyes to look at her. “The house. It’s been locked up but some squatters go in and out of it. It hasn’t…it hasn’t been taken in by the government.”

 

“They wouldn’t.” Rey says softly. “They didn’t care for the people that were in it before, they sure as hell wouldn’t care for the ghosts that haunt its walls now.”

 

Before she leaves, she gives him another hug and thanks him for everything and then she leaves, her feet taking her in the familiar direction they used to take her a thousand times over since she was a child.

 

It’s almost a shameful admission that she misses the quietness of the desert. She feels almost guilty for missing the sand pit she never wanted to call home (but somehow, always did.) 

* * *

 

The house looks worse than it did before. The paint is chipped, half the gutters have fallen around the house, the ground has been trampled down and the sand is a dark brown with things that Rey doesn’t even want to know. It looks dark in the house and she stands outside the front door, an ear against it, trying to see if any squatters have claimed it for themselves. She doesn’t hear anything, so she opens the front door and it creaks with an eerie echo, verifying that no one is in the house. It’s dark in the house, the electricity long since cut off, but it’s still warm, the sun from the day heating it up and Rey can feel the remnants of the long since gone sun.

 

There are holes in the wall and the floor is uprooted in some places, so she uses the flashlight on her phone to light her way, careful to avoid the empty needles and garbage that litters the now empty hallways. She walks into the living room where the kids used to gather when Plutt wasn’t home and would watch television, always old shows and movies but it gave them a sense of cruel hope for something more. The couches are torn, cotton strewn all over the place and she walks into the kitchen to see the fridge tipped on its side and she gasps as mice scurry past her feet, banging into the wall in her shock.

 

The kitchen doesn’t look any better, the table on its side, legs broken and chairs the same way. She looks sideways, her eyes coming upon a door that was always shut. With a heavy heart, she reaches towards it, her right hand going to the doorknob.

 

_(There is a hand that grabs her right wrist in almost a bruising grip and when Rey lets out a little yelp, she looks up with fearful eyes at Plutt’s wide ones. He’s grinning at her and it makes Rey sick to her stomach, the way he eyes her makes her uncomfortable and she shifts underneath his crushing grip, whimpering as pain in her wrist spreads to her elbow. “Do you know what happens to curious little girls?”_

_“I want to see Talia.” Rey demands, her eyes narrowing at him, lips trembling. She woke up last night and for a disoriented moment, she didn’t know why, until she heard it. The howls and screams that echoed distantly throughout the house and Rey knew, just_ knew _, they were coming from the basement. Her stomach churned and she felt like she was going to vomit, so like a coward, she dug out the second-hand IPod, plugged the earbuds into her ear and turned the music as high as it could go until she thought she was going to go deaf and the screams melted into the familiar songs played on a loop._

_“Maybe you should join her, then.” He laughs at something that makes Rey’s heart drop to her stomach and before she can respond, before she can do anything, there is a body between hers and Plutt’s and her body is being turned, her head pressed into the familiar chest of Roz. Rey thinks she can hear her heartbeat, wild in its glided cage._

_When Rey glances over her shoulder, she sees Gemma, fists balled at her sides, staring up at Plutt. “She’s_ fifteen _.” She’s never heard Gemma’s voice like that, so vicious and dark and Rey buries her head deeper into the valley of Roz’s chest, feeling the hard bone underneath her forehead. Roz’s nails dig into Rey’s shoulders painfully. “And you wouldn’t_ dare _.”_

_She can feel Plutt’s eyes narrow and she can feel Roz’s nails dig into her skin harder and Rey almost thinks she’ll have permanent marks. There is a hissed whisper and then the slapping of skin on skin and it feels like the air has been sucked out of the house._

_“One day,” Plutt says slowly, “You’re going to regret that.”_

_Roz is shielding Rey from Plutt’s gaze as she turns them around, nearly running up the stairs into their room with Gemma in tow. Roz is shaking and Gemma rips Rey away from her, placing Rey on Talia’s empty bed, barking at Roz to get Dee and bring her into their room. “Rey.” Gemma says, breathing hard and Rey doesn’t know if it’s from exertion, adrenaline, fear or something else entirely, as she lifts her wrist, examining it. “You need to stay away from there, okay? And just…try to avoid Plutt from now on.” She pulls Rey into a bruising hug and tucks her into bed, shuffling over when Dee and Roz come in, making room for the youngest girl._

_“What do you think he’s going to do?” Rey hears Roz ask Gemma quietly._

_Gemma lets out a little bitter laugh. “You know what he’s going to do.” She lets out a sigh and runs a hand through her hair. “We’ll…we’ll deal with it when the time comes.”_

_[The next day, Talia is practically seething with anger when Gemma and Roz retell the story. Her eyes are blazing when she meets Rey’s. “If I ever hear or see you near there, I’ll kill you myself.”_

_Gemma snaps at her and Roz is making excuses and Dee is confused, clinging to Rey like she’s a lifeline but Rey sees the way Talia’s eyes trail to Roz and the rest of them, worry etched across the lines of her face and Rey wonders what the hell she just managed to do.])_

 

The door feels glued shut but Rey is stronger now, so she yanks and pulls and grunts until it finally comes loose and almost knocks her back with how it swings towards her. She can see the dust when she brings her flashlight back to life and she walks down the stairs, the rickety steps almost like something out of a horror film but she steels her breath and looks around.

 

There is a metal door to the side but with no lock on the inside and she knows, just _knows_ that it locks from the outside. There are no windows and it feels almost stifling in here. There is a couch that looks like it’s seen better days and a mattress, beaten and battered with dark stains.

 

Rey sucks in a deep breath and lets out a strangled cry.

 

She’s not stupid. She realized as she got older what actually happened down here but seeing it…her lips tremble and her body shakes, a hand covering her mouth as she remembers Talia’s bruised face and body and she remembers Hera’s dead eyes.

 

_(They’ll kill your soul and then they’ll kill you._

_If I ever hear or see you anywhere near there again, I’ll kill you myself.)_

 

Unable to be in the basement any longer, she almost races up the stairs, the wood rickety under her stomps and she slams the basement door shut, keeping all the demons in their place. 

* * *

 

She makes her way up the stairs onto the upper floor where their rooms were. Mattress have been upturned, some have been ripped, drawers have been pulled out and Rey walks on shaky legs to her old room, taking out the drawers that haven’t been taken out from the bedside bureau and reaching back, her heart thundering in her chest, as she pushes her fingers into the small trapdoor and pushes against the wood. It comes apart easily in her hands and she almost cries when her hands finger the fragile papers.

 

There are homemade Christmas and birthday cards from Dee, the paper yellowing with time. She tries to look for the bracelet that she left behind but can’t find it and she stifles the sob raging in her chest, feeling like the failure she felt she was at sixteen.

 

She grasps at the notebook in the back, sniffling as she looks through it, the paper stiff and all she can see are lines among lines.

 

_(“What are you doing?” Gemma asks her curiously, poking her head into Rey and Dee’s room._

_“I’m marking down the days I’m here.” Rey tells her. “That way when my family comes back, they can see that I’ve waited this many days.”_

_Gemma makes her way into the room, nodding like she understands and sits on the edge of the bed. “Do you think you can count them for me?”_

_Rey nods, starting from one and going on and on and on until there is a hollow feeling in her chest and she runs out of numbers and Gemma has to help her softly along.)_

 

She wipes at her eyes, getting up and making her way into the room next to hers. It’s in the same disarrayed state as the other room but she makes her way to a bureau, pulling out drawers and feeling her way for the same trap.

 

_(“You just…you have to find some place hollow.” Gemma tells her, looking back at her with a grin. “And then find that little give away, there’s always one and put the important stuff there.”_

_“What important stuff could you possibly have?” Talia scoffs, shooting Gemma a suggestive smirk, waggling her eyebrows._

_“Teedo’s dick pics.” Gemma deadpans and that sends Talia and Roz into uproarious laughter. Rey and Dee joining in, if only because seeing Talia laugh has become a special occasion.)_

 

She’s almost expecting the worst when her hands reach in and find the stack of papers and photos but her breath catches when she sees writing on the papers, longing that speaks of running away and maybe even starting a family in Teedo’s chicken scratch scrawl and she wonders how many times Gemma read these letters. There are more slightly intimate letters and Rey immediately puts them away, hands reaching for the photos. There are no dick pictures, Rey is thankful for that at least, but it’s almost worse. There are old Polaroid’s of Gemma and Teedo, faces squished together, Gemma with her eyes twinkling and Teedo with a rare toothy smile.

 

( _Teedo is ass backwards in love with Gemma.)_ And yes, Teedo was _(is_ ) in love with Gemma but Rey doesn’t think they ever stopped to ask Gemma if she was in love with Teedo. Rey thinks the answer would have been a quiet but resolute _yes_.

 

And then there are pictures that send Rey reeling, pictures of Gemma with people she doesn’t know, an older couple who look like her and a little boy in their arms that she knows were Gemma’s family.

 

_(“Did your family not love you?” Rey asks, sniffling._

_Gemma’s eyes are pained and empty. “They loved me very much, I think.”_

_“Then how come they left you here?”_

_“It wasn’t their choice. There was an accident. I was the only one to survive.”_

_“You were lucky, then?”_

_Gemma is silent before she presses a soft kiss to Rey’s forehead. “No, Rey. I wasn’t lucky.”)_

 

And then there are other photos. Photos of Talia and Roz, photos of Dee and Rey, photos of all of them together, smiling at times, sullen at others and at the end there is a picture of Gemma, chin on her shoulder, the desert background a sandy expanse behind her, with the sun starting to set, coloring her in a pale pink, smiling softly at whoever took the photo, eyes a beautiful blue, faded with time. And she looks so young, so beautiful, so _free_ in this picture that it makes Rey cry harder, clinging the papers and photos of her past close to her chest. “I’m sorry.” Rey sobs. “I’m so sorry.”

 

And so, she cries and cries and cries her apologies into the night, with only the ghosts of her past keeping her company.

* * *

 

The next morning, she wakes up on the floor of her old house and she scrambles up when she hears voices downstairs, snatching the papers and photos and shoving them in her bag. She rushes down the stairs, not meeting anyone’s eyes but they stare at her, yelling that this is their property and she wants to yell at them that _no, it isn’t. If anything, it’s mine._

 

But she says nothing, instead, she runs outside, almost tripping over her feet as she runs away from her past. 

* * *

 

She takes a shower at the motel, quick and fast, and is pulling on clean clothes before she’s out the door, grabbing her bus ticket and getting on the bus that will take her to the prison.

 

When she gets off almost thirty minutes later, she follows the fence until there is an opening and she gives the guards her name, showing them her identification and they’re escorting her inside and they’re looking through her bag, eyeing the papers and photos and Rey gives them a tight smile. “Light reading.”

 

The security guard sighs and waves her through, uncaring.

 

It’s not a big prison, Rey finds out, and everyone knows everyone, but it’s a big enough prison that they put her in a room with a metal table and chairs chained to the floor. Rey slides onto one of the chairs and waits, fiddling with her thumbs.

 

It feels like hours, but is likely only minutes later when she hears shuffling and talking and then Teedo is being shoved into the room. The guard is infinitely rougher with Teedo than he was with Rey and Rey can see him chain Teedo onto the table so tight that his wrists turn purple.

 

Teedo, himself, doesn’t look any better. He’s lost weight, his nose is crooked, his lip is split and he’s holding himself like he’s favoring his right side and she wonders how many ribs he’s had fractured or broken and she wonders if anyone cares. His skin is a myriad of bruises and cuts, healed and infected and she wonders if he ever fought back.

 

“You look…” Rey trails off, not knowing what to say.

 

“Like shit.” Teedo says and his voice is gravelly, more than it was before, as if he’s been yelling himself hoarse. “I look like shit, no need to sugar coat it for me, you know.”

 

Rey blinks. “Why did you want to see me?”

 

Teedo sighs, bowing his head and when he lifts it again, he’s looking at her with hollow eyes, empty and dark and she sucks in a deep breath, recognizing the look in his eyes.

 

_([It’s been a week since Talia left and true to her word, the morning after she left, Plutt was angry. His yells waking Dee and Rey up and before they were out of their beds, Gemma and Roz come rushing in, already dressed and throwing clothes at Dee and Rey. “Get dressed. Quickly” Roz hisses quietly, “And leave through the window.”_

_Rey undresses and dresses as quickly as she can, pulling on her shoes, hands scrabbling for her notebook to make a mark in the page before Gemma slaps her hand away and shakes her head. “Not now, Rey. Do it later._ Get out _.” Gemma unlatches the window and shoves Rey and Dee out the window gently, Gemma and then Roz following them as soon as they were out and shimming down the side of the house._

_The four of them breathe heavily, still aware of Plutt’s anger reverberating throughout the house and gesture them down the street, breaking out into a run. Once they’re away from the house, they pull out Dee and Rey’s individual’s bags and hand it to them. “You’re going to have to start getting up earlier than him and coming home later. Make sure you stay out of his way.”_

_The four of them nod to each other and all go their separate ways._

_Rey is still breathing heavily, rooted to her spot, watching the three of them break off into different directions and feeling her heart slow from a thunder to a trot, sweat breaking out over skin and breath stinking from not brushing her teeth.]_

_[One night, before her sixteenth birthday, she comes back to the home, night having fallen hours ago, she sees Dee in bed, eyes open and waiting for Rey._

_“Gemma is in the hospital.” Dee tells her in a whisper as soon as Rey crawls into bed. “Plutt said Roz is getting the basement room because he told Gemma that would be her regret and Gemma started screaming and she attacked him and he pushed her off but she fell down the stairs and Plutt called the ambulance and said one of his kids was clumsy and fell down the stairs.” Dee shifts in her bed. “Can we go see Gemma at the hospital tomorrow?”_

_Rey nods, heart exploding in her chest. “Yeah. Yeah. We’ll go see her.”_

_Body shaking, Rey reaches under her pillow and grabs the IPod Talia gave her, plugging the earphones in her ears and pressing play, letting the same songs loop over and over again throughout the night.]_

_“Her name is Gemma.” Rey says again to the nurse. Dee is a small little thing pressed against her side. “She fell down a flight of steps last night at…Unkar Plutt’s Group Home.”_

_The nurse sighs at them. “I heard you the first time. She’s not here. Non-life threatening injuries, so she was released last night.”_

_Rey frowns. “But she didn’t come home last night. Plutt didn’t sign her out.” Rey would have known. She stayed awake the whole night, body and mind on watch, flinching when footsteps would scurry down the hallway._

_The nurse looks at the screen and then looks back at them. There’s a little bit of sympathy and a little bit of pity in her eyes. “Mr. Nox signed her out.”_

_Rey’s blood runs cold and Dee’s hand shoots to hers and grips it tightly. Rey swallows and it feels dry. “Okay, thank you.”_

_“Take care.” It’s almost earnest; the way the nurse says it._

_Rey nods in acknowledgment, throat dry and practically drags Dee out of the hospital, eyes trailing from right to left, backwards to front again._

_“Rey.” Dee says, her voice quiet in the desert wind. “What’s-”_

_“We have to…we have to do our jobs, Dee.” She lets go of the younger girl’s hand. “I’ll see you later. Be…be safe.” She adds as an after thought._

_Dee nods and Rey watches as she walks away._

_[“Stay away from Teedo and his guys.” Talia tells her, as she finally leaves the basement and worms her way back to her old room. Rey slips in, eager to show the older girl that she listened to her and is healing properly. “They work for Nox and he’s scum of the earth.”_

_“What does he do?” Rey asks curiously, vaguely remembering asking this years ago when she first found out that Hera disappeared._

_Talia is silent before nudging Rey with her feet. “He kills people’s souls and then kills you.” Her eyes are blank when she lifts her head and looks at Rey. “I’ll make sure that Gemma tells Teedo that you guys are off limits but if Teedo and his guys come near you again, run and keep running until Jakku is a pile of dust behind you.” She lets out a laugh but it’s bitter and hollow and out of place on Talia’s pretty face. “Plutt is a walk in the park compared to Nox.” She turns her back to Rey but not before leaving with one last sentence. “There are a lot of unsavory people in the world Rey, and the majority of them live in Jakku.”]_

_Nox’s home is larger than the others in Jakku but still as run down. When Rey makes her way towards it, she does so with false bravado and shaky legs. The only thing not making her run for the hills is the fact that she wants (_ needs _) to see Gemma, to reassure herself that she’s alive and that she’s okay. She owes her this much and more. She owes Roz and Talia and Dee this much and more._

_(Or this is what she tells herself to console herself before walking into a den of lions.)_

_Teedo is guarding the front and he eyes her as she comes closer. “What do you want?” His voice is raspy, like he’s been crying or screaming and maybe even both. He has his sunglasses on, the dark lenses blocking his eyes from hers but Rey can see the bruise blooming on his cheek and she can see his split lip and she can see his bruised and cracked open knuckles._

_“To see Gemma.” Rey responds._

_Teedo has the sense to look away, spitting on the sand and Rey’s eyes follows it, holding back her grimace when she sees spots of red mix with the yellow and clear saliva. He stands up straight and fiddles with his shirt and with his fiddling, she can see the outline of a gun strapped to him and she swallows. “She’s tired.” He lets out a laugh that’s more of a hollowed bark, full of darkness and agony that he can’t keep in. “Busy night.”_

_Rey flinches and her stomach clenches. “I want to see her. I need to…I want to make sure she’s okay.”_

_Teedo looks at her and lets out a dry laugh that echoes. It’s a belly laugh full of emptiness and maybe even a bit of hysteria and it’s the first time she sees Teedo so close to losing control. “Don’t you know by now, girl? She’ll never be okay.”_

_Rey can feel her body tremble but she’s not sure if it’s because of fear or adrenaline or something else entirely. “Teedo…please.”_

_He looks from side to side and runs a hand over his face. “Nox will be back in an couple of hours. You get three minutes. I’ll bring her out.”_

_She watches Teedo make his way into the house and then doesn’t hear anything until a few minutes later when she hears shuffling and then the door opens and Gemma walks out on unsteady legs, Teedo behind her, ready to catch her if she falls._

_Rey bites back a gasp and instead bites her lip until she feels blood fill her mouth. Gemma’s face is painted black and blue. And parts of her body uncovered by clothes that are obviously not hers, show the same pattern. Her eyes are blue and lifeless, swollen red from crying. “Rey, what are you doing here?” Her voice is raspy, as if it’s been torn apart._

_“I just…Dee told me what happened and I wanted…I wanted…” Rey trails off, looking away, lips trembling, fists clenching and stomach roiling. For a moment, Rey thinks she’s going to be sick._

_With gentle hands, Gemma cradles her face, forcing her to look at her. “Hey now, don’t…it’s okay.” Rey lets out a sigh full of disbelief and she can feel tears stream down her face, hot and burning her cheeks. Gemma is silent before she tilts Rey’s head up and suddenly, she’s looking into Gemma’s blue eyes and she wishes she weren’t. Wishes that she were not able to see how lifeless she is now. “It’s your birthday soon, isn’t it? Tomorrow, yeah? I always remember because yours and Talia’s are so close together.”_

_“I don’t care about my birthday.” Rey tells her and she doesn’t, not really. She just wants Gemma to come back home. She wants her to be unbruised and she wants her to smile and she wants to see her eyes twinkle. She wants Roz in the room next to theirs [and God, this is_ her _fault, isn’t it? She remembers Plutt’s threat from before, the ominous,_ one day, you’re going to regret that _, ringing through her head until Rey is positive that she is going to vomit._

_[She’ll be turning sixteen tomorrow and she would have forgotten about it if she didn’t spot Dee coloring in another homemade card in her tiny scrawl.]_

_“This isn’t your fault Rey.” Gemma tells her quietly and Rey lets out a stifled groan, bending her head until it’s pillowed softly on Gemma’s shoulder. “You can’t…promise me you won’t blame yourself. This wasn’t and won’t ever be your fault.” She presses a gentle kiss to Rey’s forehead and Rey wants to cry, squeezing her eyes tightly. “You’re special, you know that?” Rey shakes her head, mumbling apologies into her bruised shoulder and begging her to_ come back home _and_ I’ll take your place, I’m sorry Gemma, I’m so sorry _and with shaky arms, Gemma pulls Rey into a gentle hug that makes Rey want to cry. “No.” Gemma’s voice is hard and finite. “You will never, ever be here, Rey, I’m going to try and make sure of it. You…you need to run, Rey. When you get the chance, run. Run and never come back, Rey.”_

_“What about you?” Rey asks, her voice breaking as tears soak Gemma’s neck, returning the hug as hard as she can without hurting her._

_“I have a plan.” She whispers into Rey’s ear. “I’ll be free Rey. I’ll finally be free.” She lets go of her and places a kiss on her forehead, in the same place Talia kissed her before she left in the dead of the night and suddenly Rey’s stomach plummets and Rey wants to hang on to Gemma, wants to pull her back in her embrace in a desperate attempt to keep her close. “I hope you find the family you’re looking for.” Her eyes are sad, as if she’s keeping a secret Rey doesn’t know about. “I hope you’ll remember me, Rey. Remember us.”_

_She turns around, before Rey gets the chance to tell her that she could never forget them even if she tried, letting her arms fall away from Rey and she gives a nod to Teedo and Teedo doesn’t spare a glance at Rey, just concentrates on walking Gemma back inside._

_[“Why does Teedo always listen to Gemma?”_

_“Because Teedo has been in love with Gemma since we all could remember.”]_

_When Teedo comes back outside, he ignores Rey and Rey ignores the fact that he’s crying, his eyes still masked by the sunglasses but she can see the dirt on his face streaking down from his salty tears. She stays in her spot, eyes roving over Teedo, coming to a stop on where the gun should have been but instead, his shirt flattens against his stomach. Rey’s breath hitches and her teeth chatter, mind blanking. “What have you done?” Rey asks him in mounting horror. “What…_ what _?”_

_(I’ll be free, Rey. I’ll finally be free.)_

_And it’s like she’s in slow motion, letting out a feral scream, trying to rush into the house, her shrieking echoing in the desert but Teedo is faster and he has his arms around her waist, digging his heels into the sand and keeping her in place. She hits him, nails clawing at him and screaming. “You’re supposed to_ love _her! You’re supposed to keep her_ alive _!_ What have you done _?! Gemma!_ Gemma _!” She looks at Teedo with blurry eyes and, “Please, please,_ please _. Save her._ Save her _.”_

_He doesn’t say anything to her but she can see tears come down his face in currents and it occurs to her in a second before everything changes that maybe he believes he_ is _saving her._

_The sound is like a car backfiring. It echoes throughout the house and in the desert, probably shocking everyone within close proximity to the place. It’s a loud enough sound that she knows the police will have to investigate and Rey doesn’t even want to know what they’ll find._

_There is a moment of silence and then a pathetic wail cuts through the air and Rey sees Teedo collapse, taking her down with him in his grief, his fingers digging in her forearms, not even attempting to right himself and he’s looking at Rey through bloodshot eyes, snot coming down his nose and tears staining his cheeks. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so_ so _sorry.” Rey flinches and Teedo lets her go, Rey stumbling backward into the sand as Teedo lets out a another pitiful wail, ripping his sunglasses off, as if begging the Jakku sun to blind him and Rey can see, for the first time, how haunted he looks and Rey backs away, standing up, breath stuttering as she stumbles over her own feet, tears blurring her vision._

_She leaves them like this, like the coward she is, she leaves Teedo sobbing into the sand and Gemma a corpse in a house she was never meant to die in._

_She runs and runs and runs until she can’t run anymore and then she collapses in the sand, the grains burning her from the sun but she doesn’t care because all she can hear is the sound ricocheting off the corners of her mind and Teedo’s wail._

_She’s sobbing until she thinks she’s going to be sick and then a pair of hands are grabbing at her and she’s struggling, screaming and punching and kicking, vaguely recognizing Lor San Tekka and his worried face and she doesn’t_ want _to end up like Talia, or Roz or Gemma,_ oh God, Gemma _. He pulls her close, stuttering out apologies and Rey just cries and cries and cries_

_(I’ll be free, Rey. I’ll finally be free.)_

_[Her eyes always burn thinking about Gemma.])_

Rey blinks, staring at Teedo and she’s suddenly _furious_. “So, I’m what? Your last will and testament?” She hisses to him quietly. “Why the fuck would you even…?”

 

“Gemma loved you.” Teedo tells her. “She loved you, Roz loved you, Talia loves you.”

 

She hears the change in tenses and she almost catapults over the table. “What happened to Roz?” She asks him hurriedly, “ _What happened to Roz_? Has Talia come to see you? What’s… _what do you know_?”

 

Teedo frowns at her. “Roz…” He’s looking at her strangely, as if unbelieving that she doesn’t know. “Roz is dead, Rey. Has been for years…she…she was sent to the hospital when the house was raided but Talia was gone, Gemma…Gemma died and you and Dee were _gone_. They…they found her in her hospital room.” He pauses. “Didn’t anyone tell you?”

 

Rey is shocked into silence, her throat closing up. _Oh…oh, Roz_. Not Roz. Not Roz, who would laugh even when there was nothing to laugh about. Not Roz, who wrapped her arm around Rey’s shoulder or who nudged her and who, with Gemma, protected her when Talia was gone.

 

 _No_ , Rey thinks numbly, sitting back in her seat, staring at him, _no, they didn’t tell me. Not Leia, not Agent Pava, no one._ And it breaks her heart more than she thought it would to realize that Roz died thinking that everyone she knew, everyone she ever loved, left her behind.

 

 _(Roz is laughing, making her way from their room into Rey’s. “Come back, Rey.” Roz tells her, outstretching her hand, shaking her head. And_ no _, there’s_ no way _Roz can know, no way she can know what Rey has heard herself cry a thousand times over. “Don’t go. Don’t leave us. Come back.” She gives a slight roll of her eyes. “Talia was just joking. Come back.”_

_Rey is looking at her outstretched hand and Roz wiggles her fingers, laughter dying on her lips and gives her a gentle smile. “Come back, Rey. Come back. You’re not going to leave me with them all alone are you?”_

_Rey sighs and gets off the bed, hand clasping Roz’s, fingers interlacing. “No.” Rey tells her, “I won’t leave you.”_

_“Ever?” Roz teases but Rey can sense a little bit of desperation in her voice._

_“Never.”)_

 

(Come back, she remembers crying, don’t go. Don’t leave me. Come back _._ )

 

“Talia…” Teedo starts off slowly, as if realizing for the first time that he’s telling her things she doesn’t know. “She came to visit me, a couple months ago. She’s…she’s alive, Rey.”

 

Tears sting her eyes and she nods, wiping a hand over her face. She reaches into her bag and pulls out the stack of letters and pictures of Gemma and Teedo together. She gives him the picture of Gemma, with her chin on her shoulder, the setting desert sun in the background as an afterthought. “I thought…I thought you’d like these.” Rey says quietly, pushing them towards him quietly.

 

He lets out a breath and stares at them, fingers tracing the letters and photos. “Thank you.”

 

“You’re…you’re really…?”

 

Teedo nods and gives her a broken smile. “I’ve got…I’ve got no one. I think that’s finally hit me now, you know. The deal…the deal was I tell them everything about Nox and Plutt and get a reduced sentence and I thought I could start over but the closer it gets the more I realize I don’t want to start over…I just…”

 

Rey sucks in a deep breath, willing the tears to go away and she stands up, wiping at her eyes. And she wonders what she would do in his place. Could she live without Ben? Could she live knowing that she would never be able to see his face again? Could she live knowing that she’ll wake up and go to sleep without him? Could she survive with the lost memories of who and what they once were? And it staggers her, almost making her collapse in her place when she realizes that’s exactly what she’s doing and what does that make her? Does that make her a hypocrite? Does that make her awful for being able to survive without him when she always told him she couldn’t? “You…” she shakes her head. “Goodbye Teedo.”

 

“Goodbye, Rey.” He says quietly.

 

Before she leaves, while waiting for the guard to unlock the door, she takes a glance at him, sitting so dejectedly in his chair, eyes on the photo of Gemma smiling softly at whoever took the photo of her and from the tears streaming down his face and the soft reminiscent smile on his, Rey knows it was him. “Do you…did Talia tell you where she’s living now?”

 

“Naboo.” He says after a beat and after Rey is on the other end of the caged in room. “She’s in Naboo.”

 

Rey nods and follows the guard out the door, breathing in the hot air, like it’s her lifeline. She sinks against the fence, hands clutching it behind her as she bends forward, tears coming to her unbidden.

 

_(You don’t owe him anything.)_

 

But that’s wrong isn’t it? Because she thinks she owes him more than she did before. 

* * *

 

_[“If you could go anywhere, where would you want to go?” Roz asks, staring at their ceiling, lounging on her bed, throwing a used ball up and down, laughing when she misses it._

_“What’s the point of this?” Talia asks._

_“Passing time, since Dee can’t sleep.” Roz sits up on her knees. “I’ll go first. I’d like to go to Hoth.”_

_“Isn’t that all ice?”_

_Roz nods. “I’ve been reading about it. I could be an explorer. Just imagine everything I could discover. It would be a nice reprieve from the desert.”_

_Talia snorts. “Until you get frost bite and your toes fall off.”_

_Dee looks startled and Rey bites back a grin. “Can that happen?”_

_Roz glares at Talia. “What about you Dee?”_

_Dee scrunches her forehead and crinkles her nose. “Somewhere green with lots and lots of trees and flowers.”_

_Talia sighs and plucks at her blankets. “Naboo.” She finally admits. “I think I’d like to go to Naboo. It’s a big enough place to get lost.”_

_Rey lays her head against Gemma’s knees. “Do you think we could make it in a big place?”_

_Talia nods. “I think we could be great in a big place.”_

_“It would be away from here.” Roz agrees. “Rey?”_

Wherever my parents are _, Rey thinks._ I’ll go wherever they take me. _“I think I’m with Dee. Someplace green with lots of trees and flowers and water. I want…I want to be surrounded by water.”_

_“Ahch-To.” Gemma says quietly, running her fingers through Rey’s hair. “You’d like Ahch-To. It’s supposed to be an island surrounded by water as far as the eye can see.”_

_“Is that where you’d want to go?” Roz asks._

_Gemma shrugs, giving them a wide smile and her eyes glowing. “I think I’d just want to be free.”_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah. I'm sorry. Heartbreak all around. BUT AGAIN THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH. YOU ARE ALL MY CRUTCH AND WHAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY AND I'M LITERALLY JUST OVERWHELMED BY ALL THE RESPONSE AND LOVE AND SUPPORT. YOU ARE ALL AMAZING.


	8. I feel the light for the very first time (and not anybody knows that I am lucky to be alive)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH HEY. Ready for more Jakku Girls? Good. Because you get to meet someone special. Title is taken from AURORA's 'Lucky'. Warnings: some talk of past shadiness and there is like a smidge of lemon. 
> 
> SERIOUSLY THOUGH. OMG. YOU GUYS. YOU GUYS. I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH. IT'S UNREAL. THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR YOUR KIND WORDS! THEY MEAN SO MUCH TO ME!

At the airport, she switches flights last minute, throat tight as she stares at her new ticket to Naboo. She’s being incredibly reckless, probably even stupid because she doesn’t even know _where_ Talia lives, just that she’s in Naboo. That she somehow made it to Naboo and she thinks that if anyone were to get anywhere, it would be Talia.

 

She leaves a message for her grandfather and turns her phone off when the flight attendants ask all passengers to. She leans her head against the window, feeling the hum of the engine underneath her as it taxis off and then starts flying towards somewhere she doesn’t know and to someone who may not want to see her at all.

* * *

She thinks she should have thought this through a little more when she gets off the plane, seeing people rush at their loved ones and she’s back to that day in Coruscant’s airport, that fateful day that upended her life and she thinks she would like to go back to that day, go back to first meeting the people (person) who would single-handedly and then all at once, change her life. But here, in the Naboo airport, she’s stuck, looking lost, as people push past her, laughter and tears fill the Arrival’s area. She doesn’t know where she’s going and her heart feels heavy when there is no one to greet her. She walks away from the arrivals and makes her towards a kiosk with an employee standing behind glass pane.

 

“Hi.” Rey says, voice rising over the din of the airport. “I’m…I don’t know where I’m going.” She laughs and scratches the back of her neck. “I’m surprising a friend and I haven’t got a clue where she lives.” It’s kind of the truth and kind of a lie but she doesn’t think the person in front of her gives a shit about the life she’s led.

 

The man behind the glass points to down the hall. “If you continue going straight down the hall, off to the right you’ll see glass booths. In those booths there’s a phone and a tablet where you can type in the name of your friend and find their address, phone number, etc…” He gives her a friendly smile. “Does that help?”

 

Rey blinks and nods, gripping her bag. “Thanks. Have…have a nice day.”

 

“You too. Enjoy Naboo. Don’t forget to see the hot water springs. They’re lovely this time of year.”

 

Rey is already down the hall, his voice echoing behind her and she’s jostled by people she doesn’t know and it isn’t until she’s in one of those glass booth, shutting the door, breathing deeply that she feels calm. She still hasn’t turned on her phone yet, too terrified to see if she has any missed calls or messages or voicemails. With shaky hands, she clicks on the tablet in front of her and types in Talia’s name. Her heat sinks when she sees that over a hundred results have populated with the name Talia and she almost wants to book another ticket and go back to Coruscant.

 

But she’s made it this far and she owes it to Dee who is happy, Talia who has finally been found and Roz and Gemma who are both gone, gone, gone. Rey’s throat burns when she picks up the phone, digging for loose change in her bag, putting a coin in and dialing the first of many numbers.

 

“Talia? It’s…it’s Rey.”

 

_“Sorry, I don’t know a Rey. You have the wrong number.”_

 

It’s the same process over and over until Rey is sure she’s spent too much money trying to find a person who hasn’t tried to contact her since she left. And what if she doesn’t want to see her? What if Rey is a part of her life that Talia just wants to forget? She takes in a shuddering breath and dials another number, body leaning against the glass wall, legs tucked underneath her. It rings once, twice, three times and then it clicks on, an out of breath voice answers with a frazzled, _“Hello?”_ Rey sits up straight, her back tensing as she recognizes the voice and her breath hitches. She sounds the same but her voice is different somehow _, stronger, softer, more grown-up,_ Rey thinks. “ _Hello? Is anyone there?”_

 

Rey blinks, feeling the phone shake in her hand. “Talia?” Rey’s voice breaks. “It’s…it’s Rey.”

 

There is silence on the end of the line and then a curse so filthy and so familiar that Rey lets out a soft breath of laughter. “ _Where are you?”_ Is the first thing that Talia demands to know. “ _Rey? Rey, where are you?”_ She sounds worried and for a moment, Rey is taken back to the days in the house when Talia would try to protect them all until she had to protect herself.

 

“I’m at the Naboo airport. I…” She trails off, not knowing what else to say.

 

_“I’m coming. It’ll take me just a little over an hour to get to you with traffic but just…just wait there. Don’t…don’t move okay? Where…where are you in the airport?”_

 

She looks around her booth. “I’m in one of those glass booths with the phone and tablet-”

 

_“I know where those are. Rey…Rey…I’m coming, okay? Hang in there.”_

 

“Okay.”

 

Talia hangs up without saying goodbye and Rey hangs up the phone on her end, shrinking into herself and avoiding eye contact with everyone who walks by her.

 

She has her bag in her hand, fingers strolling through the electronic phonebook in front of her, thinking that Coruscant would do well to have something like this and she doesn’t know how much time has passed, doesn’t know how names she’s gotten lost in, doesn’t know how or why no one has demanded that she relinquish the booth but then she thinks that everyone has their phones and it’s the thought of phones that makes her reach for hers, thumbing the power button and watching it come to life.

 

As soon as her phone powers up, there is a slight lull before her phone starts buzzing with missed notifications. She has almost seventy messages, the majority from Finn and a dozen from Jess who uses all caps and emojis asking _why did I get a frantic phone call from Finn asking if you’ve contacted me? Rey, where are you? What’s going on? WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? ARE YOU OK? ARE YOU DEAD? ANSWER ME PLZ._

 

Finn is just as bad and she can almost see his fingers flying across his phone, face pinched in worry.

 

She has just as many voicemails, half of them from her grandfather.

 

_“Rey, where are you? What’s going on? Why weren’t you on the plane? Please, call me back. I’m worried.”_

_“Rey, why are you in Naboo? I’m…why? Are you with anyone? What happened in Jakku? Are you safe? Are you hurt?”_

 

There’s Finn. “ _Rey?! Rey, what’s going on? Where are you? We’re worried! Call us please. Talk to me, Rey. Tell me what’s going on.”_

 

There’s Jess. _“So, okay, I may have gone a little bit overboard with my messages but you’re scaring the shit out of me. Like, I expected to come home and have you cannonball into me and we stay up all night have girl talk but you’ve disappeared to…fuck, Finn, where is she again? Right, Naboo of all places and I’m thinking about stealing a plane from the Air Force and flying to you which would get me court-martialed but worth it really, just…call me back soon, okay? We’re all really worried.”_

 

There’s Leia. _“Rey, please let us know you’re okay. Call us back soon.”_

 

There’s Luke. “ _Rey…come home, please, just come home. We’re all besides ourselves with worry. Whatever you think you’re doing…don’t. Just come home.”_ Rey can hear his hidden message, his hidden words that he won’t say aloud, _don’t be like your mother._ _Your life is not doomed to repeat her mistakes._ And she wants to lash out at the glass because _he_ doesn’t _know_ her. He didn’t even know her mother, not really.

 

There’s Han. “ _Oh, kiddo, you are in a shit ton of trouble. Stay safe and call when you get the chance, okay?”_

 

And there’s a message from an unknown number. There is static on the other end and it sounds fizzled out, almost like an echo and she thinks it’s a wrong number when she hears _it_ , _his voice_. “ _Hi…it’s…it’s me. I just…I needed to hear your voice. My mother…Rey, where are you?”_ And she wants to be angry at him because he _doesn’t_ have a _right_ to wonder where she is. He relinquished that right when he fucking _broke her heart._ And she wants to lash out at Leia because she’s obviously in contact with him, she’s in contact with her son, the man that is Rey’s entire world and she won’t even tell her _where he is_. She won’t tell her anything and she thinks it’s slowly killing her. There is a little exhale and she can imagine him placing his forehead against a wall and there is an ache in her chest that guts her. _“I miss you Rey and I’m…I’m so-”_ He cuts off and Rey is left with the automatic voice in her ear, telling her that she has _no more messages._

 

She wants to cry and rail against the glass box encasing her. There is an agony that is ripping through her veins and she doesn’t know if its’ because of everything that she’s been through in the last couple of days or the last decade or her entire life or if it’s because she missed his phone call and all she wants to do is just cry.

 

There is a slam against the door that jolts her and she lets out a little shriek, dropping her phone and scrambling to catch it before it shatters on the ground. She catches it with her foot and she lets out a breath, snatching it from atop her dirty sneakers, snapping her head back when the door is practically ripped open and she’s pulled out, arms wrapping around her, holding her so tight she can’t breathe.

 

She smells the same but she feels softer, less jutting bones and more flesh. “Rey.” Talia breathes into her ear. “Oh God. _Rey.”_

 

And then Rey starts crying, clinging back to her, to a ghost come alive.

* * *

Talia’s house is small but homey, full of bright colors and she sees pictures of Talia with a tall man in a uniform and Rey cuts her eyes to Talia, cocking an eyebrow. “His name is Mark.” Talia tells her with a shy smile that is so unlike anything that has ever graced her face and for one moment, Rey is taken back to Gemma and the softness of her eyes and the gentleness of her voice whenever she spoke or thought of Teedo and the breath is sucked out of Rey’s body, the clarity of everything slamming into her. There is no more Gemma, there is no more Roz and there will be no more Teedo. “He’s…he’s in the military.”

 

“Are you happy?” Rey asks her as Talia shows her to a guest room and they both take off their sneakers and crowd into bed, Talia’s arms going around her waist, like they used to when they were back in the house.

 

Rey can feel Talia nod against the back of her neck. “I am.” There is a breath and she feels Talia exhale. “Sometimes…sometimes, I regret it, you know. Leaving, I mean. I…everything that happened after that.” There is a crack in Talia’s voice that Rey knows is anguish and guilt because Rey has been privy to that. Rey knows _all_ about anguish and guilt and despair and Rey knows about being left behind and about being the leaver, even though she swore she never would be.

 

_(Rey is looking at Roz’s outstretched hand and Roz wiggles her fingers, laughter dying on her lips and gives her a gentle smile. “Come back, Rey. Come back. You’re not going to leave me with them all alone are you?”_

_Rey sighs and gets off the bed, hand clasping Roz’s, fingers interlacing. “No.” Rey tells her, “I won’t leave you.”_

_“Ever?” Roz teases but Rey can sense a little bit of desperation in her voice._

_“Never.”)_

 

Rey’s eyes burn and she turns around in the bed, looking Talia in the eyes. “Gemma and Roz…” She can’t finish her sentence, breath catching in her throat and she bows her head into the crook of Talia’s neck and Talia runs her hands up and down Rey’s back, soothing her. “I couldn’t…”

 

“I know.” Talia comforts her, her voice breaking even more and voice garbled with sobs that she’s likely kept in for years. “I know and I’m sorry. I’m sorry. _I’m so sorry.”_

 

Rey pulls away from her, wiping a hand over her face. “Did you know? Did you know what happened? Gemma and Roz? Me and Dee? Did you know?” _Why didn’t you find us? Why didn’t you look for us? Were you ashamed of us? Did you resent us?_

 

Talia nods, reaching her hands up and cradling Rey’s face, wiping away stray tears. She looks so anguished here, in the bright and soft light of the guest room and the cold air, huddled under blankets. “I did.”

 

Rey feels exasperated and frustrated, all her feelings of abandonment bubbling to the surface. “Then why didn’t you visit? Why didn’t you…no one _said_ anything. I thought…I hoped Roz was _alive_. Why didn’t you try to find me or Dee…why didn’t you try to contact us?” _Why didn’t you try to contact me?_

 

Talia sighs. “Oh, Rey. Oh sweetie. I didn’t want to uproot Dee’s life anymore than it was uprooted and you…Rey, you found your _family_ and I didn’t want to ruin your life by coming back into it, not when you had everything you ever wanted, not when you managed to get out. You weren’t…you weren’t tied to us or Jakku anymore and I didn’t want you to think that you had to be.”

 

“What?” Rey is confused and hurt, “I don’t… _what are you talking about_?”

 

Talia sucks in a deep breath and gives Rey a smile that’s so heartbreaking; it nearly sends Rey into a fit of tears again. “Rey, you were so adamant about your family coming back, about finding your family that you never really realized that we were your family. Gemma, Roz, Dee and I…you were our sister…but we were the placeholders until your real family came along and they _did_. Rey, _they did_.” Talia sounds so happy for her, so happy that the family she thought didn’t want her, found her and that she was whole again, away from Jakku and the demons that followed her every step, that she doesn’t realize that Rey suddenly goes colder than she was before.

 

And is that what happened? Is that they thought of her? That they loved her so unconditionally, that they loved her enough to die for her while thinking that they were just placeholders until her real family came along?

 

( _“I hope you find the family you’re looking for.” Gemma’s eyes are sad, as if she’s keeping a secret Rey doesn’t know about. “I hope you’ll remember me, Rey. Remember us.”)_

Rey is suddenly able to fill in the words that Gemma would never say; _I love you. I love you. I love you. Don’t forget me. Don’t let me die in vain. Always remember the color of my eyes and the sound of my voice. You’re my sister, Rey. You’re my family and I have lived for you and I have protected you and I will die for you so you don’t have to go through this. And when your family comes for you, don’t forget about the family you already had all along._

 

Rey struggles for breath and she suddenly feels suffocated. She shakes her head, flinging the covers off of her and standing up. “No. _No_ …that’s not. _I loved you guys_. I _still love_ all of you. You were…you were the biggest part of my life…you…”

 

_(“I’m not staying here long. My family is coming back for me.”_

_“I’m waiting for my parents.”_

_“My family will come back for me, you know. I’m going to stay here until they do.”)_

 

Talia sits up and shifts until she’s on the edge of the bed, her legs swinging over, feet planted on the carpet floor. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of. We understood. We never held it against you. You were so little when you came to us.”

 

So was Dee. So was Talia. So was Gemma. So was Roz. They were all pawns in the cards that life dealt them.

 

(And maybe the five of them were the real tragedies all along.)

 

She remembers being adamant that her family was out there somewhere, that her family would come back for her. That her family would save her and protect her from everything that she never seemed to realize all the times Gemma, Roz and Talia protected her until it was too late. Never realized all the times Gemma, Roz and Talia played the roles of parents and sister, until two of the three are gone, gone, gone and one tells her all the truths they thought but never told her because they loved her too much to hurt her. She sinks back onto the bed, shoulders shaking, head in her hands, memories overcoming her. For so long she waited for parents and a family she now knows died before she truly knew them that she failed to realize the makeshift family that stared her in the face, that helped her with her bruises, that helped her read and count, that protected her from Plutt, that laughed with her and cried with her and dreamed with her.

 

“I’m sorry.” Rey cries, tears stinging. “I’m so sorry.”

 

Talia pulls her into her arms instantly, soothing her hair. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Rey. _Nothing_ , okay?”

 

Rey doesn’t say anything and instead buries her head into Talia’s shoulder.

* * *

That night, Talia makes supper, chicken with vegetables and rice and they sit at the kitchen table, Talia with a glass of wine and Rey with some soda and Rey tells her about Coruscant and school and Talia is looking at her with so much pride that Rey feels like she could burst.

 

“Where’s Mark?” Rey asks, noticing the empty house.

 

Talia shrugs. “He’s off on a mission. Something extremely classified.” She shrugs, “So, it’s just me for Christmas this year.”

 

“Would you…I could stay.” Rey offers, eager to spend more time with her.

 

Talia peers at her over the rim of her wine glass. “What about your family?”

 

“I’ll call my grandfather and let him know. I’d leave after Christmas. If it’s not…would that be okay?”

 

Talia gives her a soft smile and nods.

 

That night she calls her grandfather, Talia sitting on the other side of her.

 

_“Rey!”_ Her grandfather all but shouts into the phone. _“What happened? Are you okay? Are you still in Naboo?”_

 

She can hear voices in the background and with a pang she realizes that everyone is probably over at their house, worried about her. “I’m fine…I just…I had to…I’m in Naboo and I…Talia…she’s someone I knew back in Jakku, she lives here and it’s been so long that I wanted…could I stay here until after Christmas? I just…I need…” She trails off and presses a hand to her forehead, angry with herself for not being able to coherently tell her grandfather that she _needs_ to be here.

 

_“Are you safe? Is…everything safe over there?”_

 

“Yes.”

 

_“This is something you want?”_

 

“Yes.”

 

There is a beat of silence. “ _We’ll miss you for Christmas.”_

 

“I’ll miss you too. I’ll message and call everyday. I promise.”

 

She can almost see her grandfather nod. _“I love you, Rey.”_

 

Rey’s eyes burn. “I love you too.”

 

Rey hangs up and leans into Talia when she feels too exhausted to move.

* * *

They’re going through the stack of photos that Rey stole from the house and what she didn’t give to Teedo and Talia is chuckling, telling her stories that she wasn’t privy to when she was younger, back when Hera was still there and she likes it, listening to Talia talk about their shared past and she likes listening to stories about Roz and Gemma and how Gemma used to sneak out to see Teedo and how Roz used to have a crush on one of Tekka’s guys.

 

“I miss it sometimes.” Talia admits quietly on Christmas Eve when the clock is striking closer and closer to midnight and they watch as snow falls, creating a winter wonderland outside. “The desert. When it gets really cold here in the winter, I think about winter in Jakku and how the sun would always shine and how the sand was always hot beneath our feet and I just miss it sometimes. Isn’t that weird?”

 

Rey shakes her head. “I miss it sometimes, too.”

 

“When I went to visit Teedo, I thought…I thought that if I went back I would realize how much I hated it but all that I felt was this sort of nostalgia for a place that would have killed me and I wonder what that says about me, about us, that we’re so attached to the place that caused us so much misery.”

 

“Did you ever think about coming back?”

 

Talia nods. “Everyday I was on the road with the woman and then I found out from her that Gemma and Roz died and you and Dee were taken away and Plutt and Nox were in prison and I thought… _I have nothing to go back to_. I have _no one_ to go back to. So, when the woman and I parted ways, I grabbed a plane ticket to Naboo because I always wanted to see it, you remember that, right?” Rey nods silently, remembering all too well the memory and Talia is looking at her with relief that she remembers things she said and things she did, as if reaffirming to herself that Rey didn’t forget about her and Rey wants to grab her by the shoulders and she wants to tell her that she never forgot about her. That she would never want to forget about her. “It’s a big city and I worked odd jobs here and there and then I met Mark at the restaurant I was working in.” She gives Rey a grin. “I spilled coffee on him.”

 

Rey laughs. “You didn’t!”

 

Talia nods, eyes grinning with mirth. “Oh, Rey, it was _horrible._ I was mortified and he just laughed it off and asked when I got off and you have to understand, I was still so weary about everything but there was something about him, his eyes were just so gentle and I thought, _I could use a friend,_ so he stayed while I worked and then we talked and then talking turned into dating and then,” She shrugs, waving to the house. “This.” She’s quiet for a moment, face solemn when she stares at Rey. “I never thought I would have this and for the longest time, I never thought I deserved this.” Talia’s eyes burn with tears and she wipes at her eyes, not catching the ones that fall down her cheeks. “I always…Gemma always wanted to run away with Teedo, somewhere they could both be free and I always saw it, you know. She would garden and he would find work and they would be happy. And Roz…” Talia chokes on her breath. “All Roz wanted was to find someone who could love her as fiercely as Teedo loved Gemma but she was so shy.” Her smile is reminiscent but sad in its watery essence. “And I just…I feel _so guilty_ that I have _this_ …I feel so guilty because I’m not like Gemma or Roz or you and Dee…I’m a coward and ran when I should have stayed.” She lets out a bitter laugh and Rey wants to tell her that they never thought she was a coward and that they always thought she was smart for leaving when she could and that they all knew if she stayed she would have died there.

 

Rey is silent, all the words swarming in her head but lodged in her throat as she watches one of the strongest women she knows fall apart. Talia takes a deep breath, continuing with her story. “He…Mark wants children and he knows, you know…about _everything_ and he doesn’t think I’m broken and he doesn’t look at me with pity and he doesn’t push it, really, but I know he wants them and he’s willing to wait until I’m ready but I’m worried that I’ll never be ready. Because what if I’m like my mother? What if I _can’t_ be a mother and just leave them on the step of a group home like my mother did to me?” _Like I did to you guys,_ is what Talia doesn’t say but she doesn’t have to, her shadowed eyes say it all.

 

Rey’s throat is tight but she reaches over and grabs Talia’s hand. “You’ll make a great mother whenever you’re ready.” She takes a deep breath. “You kept us alive and protected us, remember?”

 

Talia lets out a choked groan, his lips trembling. “Gemma and Roz are dead and I _left_ you guys. I left…I did exactly what I said I would never do and I left you guys to fend for yourselves.”

 

“We never blamed you.” Rey tells her fiercely. “It never…we never blamed you.”

 

Talia nods but Rey knows she doesn’t believe her, not really anyways. 

* * *

 

Early on Christmas morning, Rey tells Talia everything about Ben, starting from the beginning to now and Talia listens patiently, grimacing at some parts and looking outraged at others. “I’m torn between wanting to kill him and wanting to hug him.” Talia tells her truthfully. She looks thoughtful when she thinks and then her hands reach out, smoothing Rey’s hair.

 

“I don’t know what to do.” Rey tells her, breathing it out in a broken sigh.

 

Talia frowns. “You keep living, Rey. I’m not telling you to forget about him because it’s obvious he loves you and has serious problems about admitting it and it’s obvious that you love him with everything in you but you can’t put your life on hold for him.” She gives her a soft smile. “You can’t put your life on hold for anyone.”

 

She nods, looking craning her head to look out the window and then back to Talia. “I think I should see if there’s a flight to Coruscant later today.”

 

Talia nods. “I think you should go back home too. You miss them, your family.”

 

“I’ve missed you.” Rey says.

 

“I’m here, Rey. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.” 

* * *

 

“When you saw Teedo…did he…did he tell you…”

 

Talia nods. “He never could function without Gemma.”

 

“Is that what love does to people? Consumes their minds and bodies and souls, until you feel so intertwined with another person that living without them physically hurts?” It’s like she’s struggling to breathe, replaying his message night after night, until she’s memorized every hitch and every breath and every syllable. It’s like she’s drowning and he’s her buoy. He’s her entire world and he doesn’t even know. Or worse, he does and doesn’t care.

 

“There’s a saying I heard once, something along the lines of the greatest loves being the most tragic ones.” Talia is staring at Rey with knowing eyes and Rey knows Talia is mulling over the story of Rey’s parents, of Rey and Ben, of Rey in general.

 

“Maybe it’s got some merit.” Rey says idly.

 

“Or maybe it’s a bunch of shit.” Talia responds fiercely. “Rey…you are not your past. You are not anyone’s past. You are whoever you want yourself to be, okay? You…we are not a product of our broken environment. We’re alive, Rey. We survived the worst and believe me when I say you will survive this.”

 

“It hurts.” Rey confesses, her voice breaking and tears soaking her eyelashes, making their way down her cheeks. “I love him.” _I love him_ , she thinks, _and he left me. He broke me. He haunts me._

 

“Oh, Rey. Sweetie,” Talia says softly, cupping her cheeks in her dainty hands. “I know.” 

* * *

 

Christmas Day, Rey finds a redeye flight out of Naboo to Coruscant and she books it.

 

Talia drives her to the airport and waits with her until the last moment.

 

“I’m proud of you, Rey. I’m…I’m so _proud_ of you.” Talia tells her when she hugs her so tight; Rey finds it hard to breathe.

 

Rey blinks and wraps her arms around her, hugging her just as tightly, memorizing her scent and the way she feels against her and the way her hands soothe her worries away. “Don’t forget me.” Rey says against her neck.

 

“ _Never_.” Talia promises, her voice cracking. “I’ll forget you. I’ve never forgotten any of you.”

 

_(“Keep it.” Rey says, pushing the photo of the group of them, lounging on Gemma’s bed back at Plutt’s. They’re all smiling, Talia’s mouth is open wide, despite the bruise lingering on her cheek and Roz is blowing a kiss and Gemma’s grinning, her arm bent awkwardly, trying to hold the camera to capture them all. Dee is small, curled into Roz’s lap, hiding her face shyly and half of Rey’s body is cut off, face morphed into a little smile._

_[It was one of the first nights Gemma found the Polaroid camera, getting them all into her room and taking picture after picture until they finally found one that worked. “It’ll be a memory of us.” Gemma says, waving the photo around. “So that when we finally leave here and are successful we can look at it and say,_ we were here and we made it _.”_

_“And we’re going to all be together when and if we leave and when and if we become successful?” Talia asks, somewhat unbelievingly._

_Gemma rolls her eyes. “Of course. We’re never going to truly leave each other.”]_

_Talia looks at her with watery eyes, fingertips tracing their young faces. “Thank you.” She whispers._

_She frames it that night and puts it on the mantle, in between pictures of herself and Mark.)_

 

Rey pulls away from Talia and gives her a shrug and a smile. “If you’re ever in Coruscant…”

 

“I’ll look you up.” Talia says grinning. “You have my number and e-mail and if you need anything, anything at all…I…”

 

“I know.” Rey says. “I know.” She takes a deep breath, leans into her one last time and walks into the line for security. She gives Talia one last wave before she steps on the escalator, taking her to her gate. She continues to look at Talia until she can’t see her anymore. 

* * *

 

She calls her grandfather while waiting at her gate, lets him know that she’s coming home. She messages Finn and Jess, telling them the same thing and before she knows it, the plane is boarding and she’s shutting off her phone, leaning against the window and letting the roar of the engines beneath her, lull her to sleep, carrying her back home. 

* * *

 

At the airport, she sees her grandfather first and then she’s pummeled into the ground by Finn and Jess who are yelling and talking over each other and she’s overwhelmed by their exuberance, overwhelmed by their worry and love that she starts to cry, cursing herself because she’s spent more time crying than speaking in the last week. And then Jess is crying and Finn is crying and they’re pulling each other up and hugging each other and Rey is trying to apologize for worrying them but Finn shushes, tells her they _understand, they get it,_ and _it’s okay_ and then she’s pulled into a hug from Leia and Han is hugging her next, telling her that _the Falcon is making noises again_ and she’s going to have to look at it and then Luke is holding her by the shoulders while Leia berates Han and Luke is looking at her so inquisitively that she gives him a watery smile and he hugs her, placing a kiss on her forehead and then her grandfather is hugging her like she’s a fragile little doll and she’s clinging to him like he’s her lifeline and she’s crying, thanking him a thousand times over.

 

“Are you okay?” He asks her, when he pulls away from her, eyes looking her over.

 

Rey nods. “I’m fine.” She breathes. “I’m fine.” 

* * *

 

Later that night, after she’s showered and after she promises Finn and Jess that they’ll spend the entire day together tomorrow, she’s towel drying her hair when she hears her phone vibrate on her desk. She hurries out, doesn’t bother looking at the Caller ID and answers the phone, “Hello?” There is nothing on the other end and Rey frowns. “Hello? Is someone there?” There is a hitch of a breath and Rey almost drops the phone. She tears it from her ear, seeing the Blocked number and takes in a deep breath. “Ben?” She asks quietly. “Ben…please. I need…I need to hear your voice. I need…I need you.” He still says nothing. “I miss you. I…I love you.”

 

There is a catch of breath, a soft sigh, almost like relief and then the dial tone.

 

Rey leans against the wall, sinking onto her floor and takes deep breaths.

 

It feels like hours later but it’s probably only minutes when her phone starts vibrating again and her fingers are hovering over the green button to answer when she sees the Blocked ID but she doesn’t, every part of her fighting her decision. She doesn’t know she’s holding her breath until she lets it out when the phone stops vibrating and a notification appears letting her know she has a message. With shaky fingers she slides her notification open, punches in her passcode and brings the phone to her ear, the automatic voice telling her she has _one new unheard message_.

 

There is silence on his end and she wonders _where are you? Is it day? Is it night? Are you safe? Do you think about me as often as I think about you? When are you coming home?_

 

“ _Do you remember that night during the weekend of your eighteenth birthday and I took you to the beach?”_

 

She does remember that night. She remembers it like it was yesterday. He told her he had a surprise for her and he drove miles and miles away from the bustling city, until their surroundings went quiet and they went to the beach, the waves crashing along the shore and it was incredibly cliché the way he had a lantern and flashlights and a picnic set up but it made Rey smile so wide, she was afraid her face would split open. She remembers cuddling into him, remembers the way his cold hands slid up her shirt. She remembers discarded clothing and soft moans, heady grunts and nails digging into skin. She remembers the stars and full moon hanging above them, illuminating them in their light and she remembers whispering to him over and over again, _I love you, I love you, (Iloveyou)_ , and _I think I’ve always loved you, that I’ll never stop loving you._ And she remembers asking him in a breathy sigh, _do you love me too? Do you feel what I feel?_ And she remembers that he didn’t say anything but he did stare at her, pressing into her and stealing her breath with kisses that silenced her and she remembers her mind going blank, remembers her cries echoing in the night as he took her higher and higher and higher until she crested over with the sound of waves slamming against the shore and they breathed together as one.

 

_“In my darkest days, all I have to do is think of you and suddenly, it’s like everything is light again.”_ There is a rustle and a sigh and she wonders if he’s in bed, wonder if he’s losing himself in the same memory she’s already been lost to. “ _I miss you.”_ There is a deep breath and then the dial tone and Rey hits the replay button until her ass is sore and until she thinks she can’t breathe from covering her mouth to keep in the keening sobs that rip through her frame.

 

_(There’s a saying I heard once, something along the lines of the greatest loves being the most tragic ones._

_Your parents…they were a tragedy made by their own hands.)_

_Come back,_ she remembers crying, _don’t go. Don’t leave me. Come back._  

* * *

 

_(It’s getting colder, but Rey doesn’t care, she shuffles closer into Ben, his body warming her and his hands trace unknown letters into her skin. She tries to follow the traces, tries to decipher what he’s writing but she gets distracted by his kisses. “Do you forget I exist when you go back to your condo?”_

_He pulls back and looks at her like her question is a betrayal but she’s busy concentrating on her hand on his chest, tracing her own shapes and letters into his skin. He’s silent for a minute, his hand on her back stilling and he shifts her until she’s straddling him, their naked bodies flushed tightly together and she wraps her legs around his waist and she tips her head back, letting out a soft groan because he’s pressing against her in all the right places. His head dips forward, mouth pressing along her collarbone and the hollow of her throat but he never takes his eyes off of her. He cradles her face in his larger than life hands and presses his lips to hers, stealing all the breath she has. “How can I?” He whispers and she barely hears him over the water lapping almost violently against the shore. “When you’re everywhere?”_

_Her breath catches and she sinks onto him slowly and gently, taking all of him in and it’s a gentle sort of joining, a vulnerability that was years in the making, maybe their entire lifetimes even._

_She’s distracted by moving her hips and by the contrast of their slow sensuality and the violence of Mother Nature roaring behind her back. She’s distracted by whispering her proclamations of love against his mouth, his cheeks, his ears, his forehead that she doesn’t truly realize the letters he continues to trace on the bare skin of her back, over and over and over again._

_And when it’s over and she’s pillowed against his chest, drifting off to sleep, she still feels the trace and loops of letters that follows her into her colorful dreamland.)_

It’s not until that night, in the bleak black and white shadows of her dreams does she remember that night in its vividness and she remembers the feeling of his fingers, remembers the traces and loops of letters that manifest into words, becoming clearer and clearer until they burst in a violent shade of red against the black and white that she wakes up gasping, hand clutching her rapidly beating heart and looking wildly around her room, grasping her phone and fumbling with the buttons, hand shaking as she listens to his message over and over again until she memorizes every hitch of his breath, every pause, every inclination.

 

She leans against her headboard, phone dropped to her side, knees curled up into her chest as her tears soak her legs, the letters making up words suddenly more clearer than she ever thought they would be.

 

_I. L. O. V. E. Y. O. U._

 

(Over and over and over again he traced his confessional into her sweat soaked skin, branding her as his the same way she branded him as hers.) 

* * *

 

She dreams in black and white that night.

 

With little bursts of red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have I told you all how much I love you? Because I do. Tremendously.


	9. The woods are lovely, dark and deep (but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YO. HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS. WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS HOW MUCH I LOVE AND ADORE YOU ALL BECAUSE I'M JUST FLABBERGASTED BY THE RESPONSE TO THIS STORY. I'M LITERALLY...I CAN'T EVEN. THANK YOU A MILLION TIMES OVER. Seriously, you all make me so happy and I just...tears every single time, you guys. Every. Single. Time. 
> 
> Warnings: a little bit of dub-con, two people are kind of tipsy but still consent, I just wanted to put this there. 
> 
> Also: so there's a little tale about Greek mythology and I'm not going to spoil it but I know there's like a thousand variations of it but this is the variation of that particular story that I grew up and that I know of, so I'm going with this one. I just wanted to give everyone a warning and I'm sorry if I offend anyone! It's not my intent! I swear. The title is taken from Robert Frosts's poem 'Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening'
> 
> Also: Don't hate me.

It’s a warmer winter that year in Coruscant and Finn and Rey are thankful for it as they walk from one class to the other, cups of hot coffee in their hands. Finn has an arm wrapped around her shoulders and she’s cuddled into his side while walking along the pathway, careful to avoid the patches of melting ice.

 

“So,” Finn starts casually as their previous conversation ends and he’s obviously grappling for a new one, one that has been on his mind since the week before, when she’s sure he would have heard of the news. She has to give him credit for not demanding that she tell him immediately. “I heard that Donovan asked you out.”

 

She nods absentmindedly, taking a sip of her coffee.

 

It was an out-of-blue thing for Rey, coming right out of left field and sidelining her.

 

_(“Hey! Hey Rey!”_

_Rey turns around and sees Donovan jog to catch up with her. He’s still a year ahead of her, studying History and on the boys soccer team. She’s seen him a couple of times, recognition lighting his eyes the first time he saw her and there is a warm mirth there that she sometimes, but most often, doesn’t reciprocate, but she recognizes the shared, partly flawed history they share, so she humors him when he talks to her. Because sometimes, she thinks she owes him for that afternoon. Because sometimes, she thinks that if it weren’t for Donovan, this entire thing between her and Ben wouldn’t have started. “Hi Donovan.”_

_“Are you going to the party this weekend?”_

_It’s a party that one of the girls on the soccer team is throwing and she’s invited both teams but Rey just got a part time job at the mechanic shop that Han helped her get and she works the early shift on Saturday, so no, she wasn’t planning on spending her Friday night at a party with drunk college students, still believing that they’re in the twilight of their youth. “I have work the next day.” Rey tells him, giving him a shrug. “So, no.”_

 

_He looks dejected for a moment but then he smiles and it’s a genuine smile and Rey almost feels guilty. “Do you…maybe you’d want to get a cup of coffee or something to eat after your shift or something?”_

_Rey stops in the middle of the hallway and Donovan slams into her back. She frowns, twisting around, her face in a frown as she stares at him. “Are you…are you asking me out?”_

 

_Donovan blinks and scratches the back of his head. “Yes.”_

_Her mind flashes to Ben and his black wavy hair, his ears that always poke through, the way his lips turn up at the corners, the way his dark brown eyes stare at her until she squirms and his voice, his voice that she listens to every night until she memorizes every hitch, every catch, every breath and every word. “I…that’s…why…_ no _.” She blurts out and then her cheeks burn red, giving him an apologetic shrug. “I’m…it’s complicated.”_

_Donovan nods like he understands, and maybe, she thinks, maybe he does understand, because he was_ there _. He was there when Ben flew into a fit of jealous rage and he was there when Ben threw him out and he was there when this all began. His face flushes from the sting of rejection. “Well…if you change your mind…I…you have my number. See you around, Rey.”)_

 

“He did.” Rey tells Finn what he already knows.

 

“And you said _no_.”

 

“I did.”

 

“Why?” Finn is honestly curious and she almost wants to hit him in the arm because he knows _why_ and from the look she gives him and the look that crosses his face, a mixture of sympathy and pity and worry, she knows that he finally _gets it_. “Rey,” Finn adds gently, “You’re…you can’t keep doing this. You need to live, okay?”

 

“He’s coming back.” Rey says determinedly. Her throat closing up. “He’s going to come back.”

 

( _I’m not going to be here long. My family, they’re coming back for me._

 

_Come back_ , she remembers reaching out softly to the other side of the bed when it shifts and she feels the empty air where his body is supposed to be lying next to hers, _don’t go. Don’t leave me. Come back_.)

 

“But what if he doesn’t?” Finn asks quietly. He stops walking, moving to stand in front of her and he places his hands on her shoulders, coffee cup balancing precariously on her left shoulder. He’s chewing his bottom lip before he sighs. “What if he does come back and he doesn’t…what if he doesn’t…what if he _hurts_ you?”

 

Sometimes, Rey forgets that Finn has seen a side of Ben that Rey wasn’t completely privy to. She sometimes forgets that he knew Ben longer than Rey did and he’s been witness to Ben’s rages. But then, she sometimes thinks that Finn forgets that Rey _knows_ Ben as intricately as she knows _herself_.

 

She understands what he’s trying to say without actually saying it, though. _What if he comes back and doesn’t love you? Doesn’t want you? What if he’s forgotten about you?_

 

And honestly, she’s thought about that. Thought about it while replaying the dozens of messages he’s left for her so far, thought about it while lying in bed at night trying to remember the feeling of his fingertips on her back, etching in the words that she’s wanted to hear from him and she wonders what he’s doing, or with a tight heart, she wonders _who_ he’s doing (and _is there anyone else? Do you love her like you love me?)_ She wonders if he thinks about her as much as she thinks about him and she wonders what will happen when and even _if_ , (but it has to be _when_ , it will always been _when_ because she doesn’t think she can survive in an existence where there’s no Ben. She doesn’t think she’s strong enough) she sees him again.

 

Every time she tries to entertain the thought of moving on, of trying to get out there and go on dates or try to make herself feel _something_ for someone else, the way she knows Luke and Finn and her grandfather silently implore her to, it all seems so insignificant, like Ben is the only person for her. Like Ben is her endgame in the long haul.

 

“Then that’s part of life, isn’t it?” Rey tells him, her nose twitching with the sudden gust of cool air that envelops them and it feels like the knife is twisting in her chest even more.

 

“Just think about it, okay?”

 

“What if I don’t want to date Donovan?” Rey asks him. “Did that ever occur to you? Maybe I don’t like him that way.”

 

“Fuck, Rey. I don’t even care about Donovan at this point, I care about _you_! I want you to live for you and not for some shadow that keeps haunting you. I don’t…I’m not going to pretend to understand what you feel for Ben, okay? Because maybe the Ben I know is different than the Ben you know, but he’s kind of a dick and he was just fucking awful for a long time and then…and then…” Rey gives him an impatient look and Finn deflates. “And then _you_ came along and Rey, I _saw_ it, okay? I saw it, the way you changed him and the way you’ve changed everyone around you without even knowing it and I see the way he’s consumed you and now he’s gone and you’re this…this…phantom of yourself. I want the old Rey back. I want…I want…”

 

Rey throws her arms around him, hugging him tightly, coffee cups dropping to the ground, staining the white snow brown and maybe she was so wrapped up in herself and trying to hold on to Ben that she didn’t see what she was doing to Finn and everyone else around her. “I’ll try.” She tells him, after a few moments and her heart feels empty and hollow and her stomach clenches like she knows she’s committing the ultimate act of betrayal.

 

“That’s all I’m asking for.” He replies, hugging her back.

 

_(“You keep living, Rey. I’m not telling you to forget about him because it’s obvious he loves you and has serious problems about admitting it and it’s obvious that you love him with everything in you but you can’t put your life on hold for him. You can’t put your life on hold for anyone.”)_  

* * *

 

She walks into the Organa-Solo house after her shift at the shop because Leia left a message and asked to her stop by whenever she got a chance. So, before she makes her way to her own house, (because she hopes against all hope that she has news about Ben, she hopes against all hope that this is Leia telling her that Ben is coming _home_ ), showering off the smell of oil from her body, she makes her way into the house across the street, blinking back the memories that assault her on her in.

 

Leia is sitting on the kitchen table, papers strewn around her and she gives her a tired and sad smile when Rey walks in, gesturing to the seat across from her.

 

When Rey slowly takes the seat, she curls her hands into her jeans and stares at the woman across from him. “Is…is everything okay?” _Is Ben okay? Is he coming home soon?_

 

Leia lets out a sigh and flits through the paper, stopping at a news clipping from one of the more recent papers and sliding it over the table, prefacing it with a soft, “I’m sorry, Rey.”

 

Her heart stops and Rey thinks she’s going to vomit and she’s already shaking her head, the denial on her lips, panic settling in because _this can’t be it, this can’t_ …this cannot be the end of them but then her eyes flit to the paper in front of her and she feels like the shittiest person alive when relief courses through her veins.

 

She’d like to say that she’s surprised by the headline but she’s not, though if anything, she’s a little surprised that she hadn’t seen it sooner. But maybe, just _maybe_ , he took some time to read the letters and maybe, just _maybe_ , he took some time to look at the photos of Gemma, tracing her features until they’re burned into his mind more than they likely already are.

 

_Inmate dies of apparent suicide_ is the headline. It’s a small clipping, apparently not worthy of anything more than two hundred words and that’s the crux of the truth, isn’t it? They were the lost children of Jakku and their lives didn’t merit saving until the very end, so it doesn’t surprise her that their deaths don’t merit anything more than two hundred words and she feels rage creeping into her vision because she’s sure, almost _positive_ , that they didn’t report on Gemma or Roz’s death. She’s sure that they never spoke of Talia’s torture or the fact that Hera hasn’t been seen or heard of in _so long_.

 

“He didn’t want to live without her.” Rey tells Leia after Rey has read the words over and over again and Rey doesn’t have to specify _who_ to Leia because Leia knows about Gemma and she probably knew about Roz and Rey doesn’t even want to exhaust herself about wondering why _no one told her_ that Rey lost another person when she held out hope that maybe Roz would have made it to Hoth, giggling in the desolate cold country, helping scientists discover new habitats and new findings, feeling the cold air biting her cheeks instead of the hot sun burning her body.

 

“He loved her.” Leia makes the connection on her own and she leans back in her chair, staring at Rey with soft and telling eyes. “Love…is a fragile thing you know.”

 

“It hurts.” Rey admits quietly, staring at the news clipping and the letters and words that blend together until they make her dizzy. “Someone…someone once told me that the _greatest love stories are often the most tragic ones_.”

 

“Everyone has their own story of tragedy.” Leia says. After a beat, she shrugs and sighs, “Though some more than others.”

 

And sometimes, sometimes Rey forgets that. Forgets that Leia and Luke watched their father deteriorate and watched their mother die from a broken heart. She forgets that they basically raised themselves and relied on the man across the street with a young daughter to watch over them and make sure they wanted for nothing. She sometimes forgets that her grandfather lost a daughter but kept holding out hope that said daughter would somehow find her way back home and sometimes she forgets that, that daughter who left and never had the opportunity to come back home lost a husband and in her grievous attempt at avenging her husband, she lost her life, damning her child to a desert place, where she found a family that she never wanted to claim until it was too late. She sometimes forgets that Luke watched the woman he loved love another man. She sometimes forgets that Leia has to watch the man she loves walk away on smuggling jobs and sometimes bear the shame of his smuggling with a sort of resigned pride. She sometimes forgets that Finn’s parents died in a car accident when he was young, sent to live with his grandfather and condemned to love a man with a charming smile and twinkling eyes from afar for fear of rejection. She sometimes forgets the darkness that lurks in Ben’s eyes and the way he had to change his name to become who he thought he should have been all along.

 

She sometimes forgets that everyone has their own tragic story.

 

Leia moves from her spot and gets up, patting her on the shoulder. “You can stay as long as you want, I have a teleconference in a few minutes though, so I’ll just be in my study.”

 

Rey nods and watches the older woman leave. After a few moments, Rey gets up, feet carrying her down the familiar steps into the basement, down a familiar hallway and into a familiar room. His door is unlocked and she knows that Leia cleans the room almost every weekend and she wonders about this, wonders if everyone in her makeshift family keeps the room of lost family members clean for their return, almost shrine-like in their reverence. She kicks off her shoes and curls underneath the covers in her dirty clothes.

 

She can almost smell him here, in his room and she stares at the picture of them on his bedside table and she buries her head in his pillow, closing her eyes and drifting into an uneasy sleep. “I miss you.” She breathes.

 

No one answers her back. 

* * *

 

She accepts invitations from Finn to go out more often.

 

She accepts the invitations from the girls on the soccer team to study together or to go to the mall or watch a movie.

 

She makes more friends in her classes and after a while, reluctantly accepts a few dates from Donovan. After the third, they look at each other, and she doesn’t have the heart to continue _whatever_ this is, so she lets him down as gently as she can and leaves him staring after her in the coffee shop.

 

And as winter dissolves into Spring, she finds that she’s smiling more, finds that she doesn’t listen to his voicemails as much as she used to, mainly because they’re on repeat in her head over and over and over again and she resolves to live just a little bit more.

 

On the first day of Spring, she frames a photo of her, Gemma, Talia, Dee and Roz. The photo is of them outside Plutt’s and Rey remembers that day because Plutt was off on a bender and he didn’t come home that night or that day and the kids crept out of their rooms and the house was filled with laughter and the five of them snuck into the backyard, sitting on hot sand and Roz asked one of the older boys to take a picture of them and after begging and pleading, he agreed. They weren’t ready when he took the photo and so Talia and Gemma are on the ends, staring at each other over the heads of the other three, grinning and Dee is staring right at the camera, smiling widely hand up and waving and Roz is bent forward, mouth wide open, forever caught in a laugh that Rey will never forget and Rey’s face is caught in a grimace and she knew that was because they heard the crash of glass break inside the house and one of the younger boys claim that _a ghost did it and it definitely wasn’t me!_ and it was all so silly that it sent them off into uncontrollable laughter. The older boy snapped the photo quickly and then dropped the camera and developing photo in Gemma’s lap, racing into the house to make sure that no one had hurt themselves.

 

And this, _this_ is how she wants to remember them, bright eyed and smiles so wide it could split their faces open, the sun beating down on them, enveloping them in its warm light. _This_ is how she wants to remember the girls who loved her, lived for her, laughed with her, cried with her, dreamed with her and died for her.

 

Rey puts the photo on her shelf, right next to the ones of her, Finn and Jess, of her and her grandfather, of her and the rest of the adults, of her and Ben.

* * *

In the summer, she drinks a little bit too much, laughs a little bit too hard, makes the mistake of all mistakes and kisses Donovan who drank just as much. His lips are still different. They’re too chapped, he’s too muscular but it feels so fucking good to feel wanted and worshipped that she lets him slip his fingers inside of her with expertise that he didn’t have when they were younger and she’s sighing into his neck, imagining a taller and leaner body with fuller lips and a head full of black hair and _God, she wants him so much_. She _misses_ him _so much_. So, when Donovan, who’s name she can’t even make herself utter, asks her if she’s sure, she breathes out _yes_ but it’s _not_ the same and she’s horrified when she moans out Ben’s name.

 

Donovan is nice enough. He blushes and shakes his head in rejection and tells her softly that _it’s okay, Rey_ and _I knew it from that day, do you remember that day? He looked at me like he was going to kill me and he looked at you like you hung the moon_ and _but I had to take the chance that maybe you loved him a little less but it never occurred to me that you loved him more than before_ and finally, he tells her that _there’s always that one who got away_ and he says it like he _knows_ , says it like he shares in her agony and that makes her feel worse because part of her thinks he knows who he’s referring to and she feels ashamed, so she clumsily pulls on her clothes and races out the door, ignoring Finn who drunkenly calls her back.

 

She’s home faster than she can blink, somewhat sober from her tipsy run and she’s slamming her bedroom door and fumbling with her phone, pressing replay on her saved messages and his voice comes through and she sobs and sobs and sobs, “I’m sorry. I’m _so_ sorry.”

 

She calls Talia when her fingers stop shaking, gasping out that she _made a mistake_.

 

Talia’s voice is fearful and she’s begging Rey to talk to her, _tell me what happened, are you okay? Did someone hurt you? Rey, talk to me. Tell me what’s going on._

 

And so Rey confesses, chest constricting even more as each word is pulled from her throat.

 

_“Rey.”_ Talia says after a moment’s pause and when the ugly sobs have caught in Rey’s throat. “ _You did nothing wrong, okay?”_ Talia cuts her off when Rey tries to interrupt her. _“No. No. Listen to me. Are you listening? You did_ nothing wrong _. There…you are_ living _and that means making some choices that you regret but this…_ this _does not make you a horrible person. It makes you_ human _. You’re_ human _, Rey and_ you did nothing wrong _.”_

 

“I miss him.” Rey confesses. “I miss him so much it hurts. I miss him so much I’m going crazy. I love him. _I love him_.”

 

_“Oh, sweetheart. I know.”_

 

“Why won’t he come back?” Rey cries out, wiping the back of her over her eyes. “What is so important that he left and won’t come back? What is wrong with me that everyone leaves?”

 

And on the other end of the line, Talia starts crying and Rey feels like an even more horrible person.

 

“Am I not good enough?”

 

_“You are.”_ Talia tells her tearfully, “ _You’re more than enough.”_

 

Before they hang up, Talia tells her to shower and tells her to crawl into bed and that she’ll call her tomorrow.

 

She does just that and falls asleep to the sound of Ben’s voice in her ears.

* * *

_(She feels like she has to make it right with Donovan and he still smiles at her, even_ _if it’s a little strained now and his neck flushes red._

_“I’m sorry.” She tells him._

_He waves her off and shrugs. “Rey, you don’t owe me or anyone anything, okay?”_

_She nods because she’s heard that before but she doesn’t think anyone gets it. She doesn’t think that anyone understands how much she owes everyone in her life. Life is full of debts and Rey’s is entrenched. “Why did you even ask me out?”_

_There is silence and then Donovan shrugs and rubs a hand behind his neck. “Finn told me…he said you were ready to get out there again and I didn’t really know what that meant but I…” There is a dawning realization in his eyes and Rey sees red with the hot fury that runs through her veins. “He was wrong, wasn’t he?” When Rey doesn’t answer, Donovan pats her on the shoulder. “Look, Rey…from what I know, the guy’s a fucking psycho but…but it’s obvious that he cared enough about you back then and that you love him enough to tear yourself apart, just…just be careful, I guess.”_

_“You don’t know him.” Rey says softly. “And Donovan, I don’t even think you know me.”_

_Donovan cocks his head to the side. “Does anyone?”_

Yes _, she thinks,_ Ben _.)_

* * *

“You need to stop trying to set me up.” She tells Finn flatly on her twentieth birthday and _fuck_ , has it really been two years since he’s been gone?

 

“Rey,” Finn is putting her arm around his shoulders. “I’m just helping you, okay? These guys are good guys. And you need to get out of this Ben Solo hole you’ve buried yourself into. _Live_ , Rey.”

 

Rey ducks away from his arm and crosses her arms over her chest. “Did it ever occur to you that I _am_ living? That I just choose to live differently than how you and everyone else wants me to live? Do you think that _this_ is easy for me?” She can tell that Finn looks shocked, can tell that they’re garnering attention from the rest of their family. She can see Poe pushing himself to the front of the crowd, eyebrows frowning and Jess makes her way towards them, eyes wary. Rey told Jess everything after she came back from Naboo and Jess held Rey as she cried herself to sleep and promised to always be by her side, but she wonders how this is going to end, friend pitted against friend.

 

“It’s not…this is not just going to go away. I’ve _tried_ , okay? Trust me, I’ve _tried_ but you don’t…none of you seem to understand how much I fucking love him. It’s not…it’s not puppy love that you think will fade, it’s not because he treated me as someone other than the damaged orphan girl who saw too much and felt too much in Jakku. It’s not…it’s _more_ than that. He’s in my _blood_ , Finn. He’s in every thought and breath I make and take. So, _this_ ,” She says, gesturing at the air and sky and her surroundings, “This is how I choose to live and it’s my way, okay? It’s not your way, or Luke’s way or my grandfather’s way, it’s _my_ way. So you just…you need to respect it, okay?”

 

“Rey…” Finn’s voice is choked and he reaches out for her and she feels herself sag, feels herself looking into her best friend’s eyes, imploring him to understand.

 

“I love him, Finn.” Rey tells him. “I love him so much that I don’t know where he begins and I end.”

 

“Finn.” Jess says quietly, grabbing his arm and placing it back to his side. “She’s got a point. Her way of coping is different than yours.”

 

“That doesn’t mean I love you any less.” Rey tells him, taking a step towards him and Jess and she can see his head snap up, see the relief flood his eyes and once again, Rey is caught by surprise and she thinks back to what Talia said about not realizing the family she had in front of her all along and she wonders if she did it again, wonders if she’s become so entrenched in _Ben_ that she’d forgotten about the people who have stood by her since she was sixteen and welcomed her into their family with no hesitation. “I could never not love you.”

 

She steps into his embrace, dragging Jess into the hug and _it’s so easy_ , she thinks, _to breathe together as one_.

 

“If he hurts you,” Finn mumbles, “I’m going to fucking kill him.”

 

Rey lets out a watery laugh and lets him have his one oath.

* * *

A little bit later that night, she sneaks away from the party held in her honor and takes her grandfather’s car across familiar twists and turns until she’s an hour outside of the city and at a familiar beach.

 

The water is gentle against the shore and she takes a seat on the sand, the grains deteriorating in her hands, flowing through her fingers as she takes in the warm air.

 

She doesn’t realize it as the moon and the stars illuminate her in their milky and incandescent light, but her fingertips trace letters in the sand that make the words she’s always wanted to hear from him.

 

_I.L.O.V.E.Y.O.U._

* * *

 

Two days after her twentieth birthday rolls around, she’s on a plane to Takodana to visit Dee and Talia is meeting her there because she called earlier and said she finally wanted and was ready to see Dee but she didn’t want to do it alone (and Rey hears the unspoken words from Talia; _what if she’s forgotten me? What if she hates me? What if she doesn’t want to see me?_ ) and that she thinks Rey needs a break and _what’s a better break than seeing the literal personification of sunshine?_ So Rey agrees and books a ticket to Takodana, calls Maz and tells her what’s happening and Maz is understanding enough to not tell Dee that they’re coming.

 

When Dee sees Rey, her face lights up and when Rey steps aside, showcasing Talia, Dee stops in her tracks, head cocking to the side, eyes assessing the other woman and for one horrible moment, Rey thinks Dee _has_ forgotten Talia but then Dee’s eyes fill with tears and she’s running towards them, sobbing Talia’s name and wrapping herself around her waist, burying her face into her chest and Dee hasn’t gotten much taller but she’s growing into her features and Talia is crying just as hard as Dee is and Rey has a hand covering her mouth because _here the three of them are_.

 

They have survived the darkest pit of day and managed to come out on the other side.

* * *

Dee wants to take them camping and hiking because _there’s a trail where the trees are so green and the grass so high_ and _it’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of and I want to share it with the both of you_ and _there’s a place we can camp for the night where you can see the stars so well, it almost feels like your in space_ and Talia is looking at Rey in a horrified way because they’ve both become accustomed to the city where the only hiking they do is on sidewalks. But they both agree and follow Dee, because Dee is excited and Dee is happy and Dee is healthy and Dee is safe and they both love her too much to see her be anything else.

 

That night, they sleep on the ground, Dee and Talia are wrapped around each other and Talia is listening as Dee quietly talks without taking a breath because _there’s so much I have to tell you and I’ve kept the headband you gave me for Christmas, Talia. I wear almost every day!_ A fire is built in the middle and Rey is lying on a sleeping bag next to them, arms tucked underneath the back of her head, staring at the stars and Dee is right, the stars are _so_ bright out here that it almost knocks the breath out of Rey.

 

_(She’s seventeen and it’s before Donovan, before Thanksgiving, before everything and it’s late at night but something wakes her up and Rey frowns when she hears the soft_ thwack, thwack, thwack _of something hitting her window. She turns in her bed, stops breathing and listens as it stars back up again. She swings her legs over the bed, rubbing at her eyes, stifling a yawn as she creeps next to the window._

_She almost laughs aloud when she sees him, illuminated in the shadow of the moon, throwing rocks at her window. “Ben!” She hisses as quietly as she can, “What the fuck are you doing?”_

_He gives her a grin and it’s mischievous and it pulls at her stomach. “Come with me.”_

_She knits her eyebrows together. “What?”_

_“Com with me. You’ll like it, I promise.”_

_“Ben…” She sighs._

 

_“Do you trust me?” He asks her and his voice is louder than it should be after midnight but it’s the tone of his voice, the tinge of desperation that she will later realize shades in every corner of their dependency to each other._

_“Of course I do, stupid.”_

_He shrugs and the moonlight follows his gestures. “So, then come with me.”_

_[It’s then she thinks she’ll follow him to the end of the world if he’d only let her.]_

_She quickly brushes her teeth, pulls on her sweatpants and sweater, forgoes a bra and creeps downstairs, careful to avoid the creeks in the wood. She locks the door behind her and slides into the passenger seat of Ben’s car._

 

_It’s not far where he takes her, just twenty minutes outside of their neighborhood where the trees are thick and so very green. She knows this place though, has heard the girls talk about it at school and she turns her head towards him, cocking an eyebrow, heart thumping wildly against her chest and he rolls his eyes, cheeks and tips of his ears flushing bright red. “Not that.” He mutters._

_He kills the engine and gets out, grabbing a blanket from the back seat. Rey follows him slowly, watching as he spreads the blanket atop the hood of his car and leans back against the windshield. He stretches out his arm to Rey, wiggling his fingers, as if silently telling her to take it. She puts her hand in his, interlacing their fingers and she lets him pull her next to him._

 

_She mimics him, reclining against the windshield and following his lead as he stares at the sky._

_There’s a few minute of silence, when all Rey could hear was the sound of their synchronized breathing and the sound of crickets off in the distance, ticking away time. He takes a deep breath and Rey turns her head to stare at him but finds his eyes still trained on the sky above them. “It’s the only place you can really see the stars.” He tells her. He points up at the sky and Rey follows it. “That’s Orion the Hunter. Do you…do you know the tale of Orion?”_

_Rey lets her eyes trail over the constellation and then turns her head back to Ben, something in his voice calling to her. She knows a little bit of mythology, not much, so she shakes her head._

_“Orion was a hunter. He lived on his own on a deserted island because he didn’t like being around other people.” Ben gives her a little twisted smile that twists at Rey’s heart. “Some people called him shy but all he wanted to do was fish and hunt on his own, so he did. He was nocturnal, preferring to sleep in the day and hunt at night. He was a revered hunter, unparalleled to none and soon, he caught the eye of the Moon Goddess, Artemis. And so, because she was a huntress and he a hunter, they hunted together.” He swallows and Rey watches his Adam’s apple bob, transfixed at the way he stares at the sky. “She would halt the moon, mid sky to hunt with him more. He loved her, and in turn, I think she loved him just as equally.”_

 

_“One day, Artemis’ twin brother Apollo found out that his sister was potentially compromising her status as the Virgin Goddess with a mortal and he became angry and he sought out their father Zeus who was furious and so they hatched a plan.” He takes a deep breath and Rey doesn’t dare breathe. “They sent a giant scorpion to kill him while he slept during the day but he woke and tried fighting it. It went on for hours until Orion finally realized that he couldn’t kill it so he jumped into the sea as night was starting to fall and the moon was starting to rise. Artemis was already in the sky when her brother told her that he saw something in the sea and he bet her that she couldn’t hit it. Never one to back down from a challenge, Artemis spotted what her brother was pointing at, pulled her arrow back and shot it through the heart. She went to retrieve her prize, swimming under the moon, until she realized that it wasn’t a prize but rather Orion.”_

 

_Rey blinks, tears coming to her eyes unbidden. “She pulled him to the shore, the scorpion long since gone when the arrow struck true. She brought him up to Olympus, begging the Gods and Goddesses to bring him back to life but they wouldn’t. Overcome with grief and guilt she lifted him into the night sky so that she could always see him.” Rey shivers and slides closer to Ben, itching for warmth that only he can seem to provide. “Orion the Hunter is one of, if not_ the _, brightest constellation in the sky because Artemis loved him so much she wanted the sky to shine as brightly as it would if there was sun.”_

_“Ben…?” Rey asks, trailing off. Her mind is a scrambled mess, trying to decipher what he’s telling her, or_ trying _to tell her and she’s haunted by the sound of his voice, so desolate and lonely and all she wants to do is reach out and hold his hand, until she realizes that she_ is _holding his hand, never having let it go when he pulled her atop the hood of his car. So, she squeezes his hand, their interlaced fingers hugging each other so tightly, Rey doesn’t know where he begins and she ends. And there is a sense of foreboding in the air, something that weighs heavily on her chest at his words. “It’s beautiful.” She says softly, as if afraid to shatter the fragility that lingers between them. “Melancholy and sad but beautiful.” There is a pause and he squeezes her hand. “Why did you bring me out here?”_

 

_He’s silent, eyes still trained forward until he twists his head and looks at her and she’s taken aback at how the moon illuminates him, as if he was born for the shadows and she wonders if that makes him Artemis, the hunter and she, Orion, the was-once-great-hunter turned hunted. Her chest clenches tightly and she squeezes his hand until it hurts but he doesn’t let go and she doesn’t think she would let him if he tried. “Sometimes things are written in the stars, Rey.”_

_And then he turns his head to study Orion the Hunter and she continues to stare at him, trying to trace constellations of long since dead Gods and Goddess and legends on his face._

_The only sound between them is the sound of their synchronized breathing and the sound of crickets off in the distance, ticking away time.)_

She’s torn out of her memory by Dee’s laughter and she smiles gently, eyes trailing back to the sky, tracing Orion the Hunter as it shines brightly above them.

* * *

When they wake up the next morning, Dee is bright eyed and bushy tailed, Rey is working out the kinks in her back and Talia is muttering under her breath that she’s _never camping again._

 

On their way back, Dee takes them on another trail, mouth flying a mile a minute telling them everything about the forest and _how in the old days, there used to be witches here_ and she and a few of her friends have tried to look for their haunts but have never been able to find them.

 

Talia nearly swats at her. “God, Dee! You willingly came out here looking for ghost tales? What happened to self-preservation?!”

 

Dee rolls her eyes and waves her hand. “This is my _home,_ Talia. I know it like the back of my hand. There are no ghosts or witches out here. It’s just old wives tales.”

 

Talia is walking with Dee and listening to stories that Dee has told Rey a dozen times before. Rey is chuckling softly, swatting at branches and running her hands over the trees they pass and carding her fingers through the grass, pulling out some strands and pressing it to her lips, trying to whistle.

_(“It’s like this.” Ben tells her, and it’s still before Donovan and Thanksgiving and she’s still in the early part of her seventeenth year, the story of Artemis and Orion and the night underneath the stars echoing in her mind, but he takes a strand of grass one day, putting it between his fingers and then bringing it up to his lips, blowing into it and the sound is musical and light when it reaches her ears._

_Rey giggles, turning on her side and sliding into the space open for her next to his body. “I like this.” She tells him quietly, staring at the open space before them. They’re at a park just a couple hours outside of the city and they’re in a secluded spot where there’s a small lake with fish. “Just being here with you.”_

_He presses a kiss to her head and Rey plucks a strand of grass and puts it in her mouth, copying his previous movements and groans when all that comes out is a blowing raspberry sound._

_He chuckles and takes the grass from her hand and puts it into his, eyes peering at her from the fringe of his hair and he blows, the sound still musical and light to her ears._

_“I’ll never learn.” She tells him bluntly._

 

_“You just need a teacher. I could teach you.”_

_She smiles and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. She’s propped against him, her chin digging into his chest and eyes lifting to stare at him. She attributes the sudden rising temperature of her body to the heat of the day. “Teach me how to play a musical grass instrument?” She asks amusedly._

 

_His hand is on her back, branding her, fingertips tracing the curve of her spine. “I could teach you everything, if you’d let me.”_

_She sucks in a deep breath and lowers her head until she places her ear above his heart. “I would.” She says after a few moments of silence, unbeknownst to them that someday he would._

_His fingertips dig into her back for a split second before they relax and he’s moving and she’s not looking but all she hears is the melodic and light sound of grass between his lips.)_

 

Her phone rings and it shocks her so much, she almost stumbles. She answers it recognizing Finn’s name. “Finn!”

 

He’s cutting in and out but his voice is loud and frenzied and she’s frowning, removing her phone from her ear, trying to find a place that would give her more of a signal. “Finn, I can’t hear you! I’m in the woods. What’s…can you hear me? Are you okay?”

 

It goes dead, her phone beeping that she has no signal and she looks at Dee and Talia frowning.

 

Dee is the one who suggests that they go back so Rey can call Finn from the landline and Talia is almost thankful, swatting at the flies that invade her personal space. Dee laughs and it echoes in the forest, bumping Talia with her hip. “A few years in the city and your forget how to survive in the wilderness.”

 

“Okay.” Talia says, a small smile on her face and her eyes bright. “ _One_ , Jakku was a _desert_ and _two,_ I didn’t bring the right shoes.”

 

Dee bursts out into laughter, almost doubling over and wiping at her eyes. “Sure, you just keep telling yourself that.”

 

Rey rolls her eyes and follows them, making their way down the familiar paths, listening to Dee and Talia and she can spot the large lake that Maz lives on and she can almost hear the commotion from the Cantina and the house. She almost stumbles over her untied shoelaces and curses, waving off Talia and Dee and she tells them that she’ll catch up but she’s going to tie her shoes and maybe catch a few breaths.

 

Talia shakes her head wildly, so Rey ties her shoes and takes a sip out of her lukewarm water bottle. Dee is picking flowers and Talia is making them into a makeshift crown when Rey’s spine tingles and she hears branches crack under weight a little ways behind them.

 

Talia and Dee hear it too and Talia pushes Dee behind her, always trying to shield her and she’s reaching out for Rey but Rey waves her off, ears trying to make out the sounds.

 

“ _Lets go camping_ , she said.” Talia mocks in a low voice. “ _Let’s go hiking_ , she said. _It’ll be fun_ , she said.” She sends a glare in Dee’s direction. “If I die before I tell Mark I’m pregnant, I’m coming back and haunting you.”

 

It takes Rey a minute to realize what Talia said but it takes Dee seconds and suddenly she’s shrieking and throwing her arms around Talia. “Why didn’t you _tell_ me? You’re having a _baby_?!”

 

“You’re pregnant?” Rey asks with a bright smile. “Talia…that’s…that’s fantastic!”

 

She’s grinning, tears shimmering in her eyes. “It will be…as soon as we get back to civilization and not get eaten by _whatever_ is out there.”

 

They nod, scurrying away but Rey doesn’t even take two steps when she hears branches twitch and crunch again and she looks up at the high sun that is beating down on them. _It’s strange_ , she thinks, how something is calling her to the sound. She hears Talia and Dee hiss her name but she doesn’t move, heart thudding as the sounds come closer and closer until she realizes they’re _footsteps_ and it’s not an animal but rather a person and she’s stepping forward when the figure makes their way into the clearing.

 

Rey sucks in a breath.

 

He looks taller than she remembers. His eyes darker and more hollow than she remembers. He walks like he’s favoring his right side and his body is more bruised than she remembers, more scarred in the places where his shirt is ripped. He gives her a weak smile, his eyes giving way to something akin to relief when he sees her and he leans against a tree, the weight of him suddenly becoming too much. “They…they told me you were here.” His voice is just as deep, if not a little weaker than she remembers and she can hear every word, replay every conversation they’ve ever had and it makes her heart clench and it makes her weak in the knees and she tries to pinch herself, thinking that she’s dreaming, maybe even hallucinating. “I needed…I needed to see you.”

 

“Ben?” Rey croaks, hands reaching out for him, still not believing her eyes and she can hear a commotion from behind her, can hear yelling and she can vaguely hear Leia’s voice and Rey frowns wondering what Leia is doing here.

 

He closes his eyes, leaning his body further against the tree, raising his head into the sun and she’s struck by his beauty and she wishes that she were a painter, wishes that she could paint him into infamy so that years and decades and centuries from now, people could stare at him and seethe with jealously that for however long, _he was hers_. “I love you.” He breathes.

 

Her breath is caught in her chest but her heart _explodes_ and it feels like she’s been sucker punched because even realizing that he’s traced it into her skin all along, all she’s wanted is to _hear_ the words, all she’s wanted is the validation that he loves her just as much, just as desperately, as she loves him. He’s always alluded, or rather she _thinks_ , he’s always alluded to it, always imagined that beneath his _I miss you’s_ and _you’ve changed me’s_ and _you don’t know how much to mean to me’s_ , that he’s saying _I love you, I love you, I love you_ and now that he is finally saying it, she can feel the tears burn her eyes, can feel her heart lift and can feel her chest tremble and she never realized just how much she needed to _hear_ it, how much she needed to hear it _from him_.

 

Her elation is short lived when she hears Talia’s worried, “Rey…” and she hears Dee’s startled gasp and she can see the blood seeping out from his shoddily bandaged side, can see his face pale and his body slump sideways, hands scrambling to keep himself upright against the tree, eyes never leaving hers and Rey is _shrieking_ , her voice echoing in the forest, careening forward and carrying his heavy weight, her knees buckling until they crash to the forest floor.

 

“ _Help_!” Rey is screaming, not recognizing her own voice as the plea is torn from her throat. “ _Ben_! No! _No_! Stay…stay with me.” She taps his face with her hand, tears blurring her vision, when his eyes drift shut. “You don’t _get_ to do this, you don’t…Ben? _Ben_!”

 

She hears people bound into the clearing, can hear Leia barking orders and someone grabbing at her and then someone pulling Ben away from her and she lashes out, kicking and screaming, demanding _that they let him go_ and _get away from me!_ and _Ben! Ben!_

 

She’s reaching out for him, his eyes open briefly, locking with hers and he gives her a barely there smile, lips mouthing the words she had been dying to hear, _I love you, I love you, I love you,_ before outstretching his hand towards her and then his head lolls, the sun rising higher and higher, blinding them in its light and his hand drops.

 

All Rey can hear is the sound of her own agonized shrieking and screaming and pleas.

 

_Come back! Don’t go! Don’t leave me! Come back!_

 

She vaguely hears a “We need to sedate her.”

 

She barely hears Talia’s thunderous, “Don’t you dare fucking touch her!”

 

She almost misses Dee’s shrill shriek, “Rey! Rey! Let her go! What are you doing to her?!”

 

But she does hear the soft, “I’m sorry,” feels the prick of something sliding into her skin and then everything goes black.

 

The last thing she sees is Ben, body shrouded into the light he always denied himself and she thinks that he shines so brightly in the light.

 

( _I love you_ , she thinks, _I love you, I love you, I love you.)_  

* * *

 

_(“Why doesn’t Ben say_ I love you _?” Rey asks Han conversationally one day. She’s sitting on the curb, watching Han try and fix his broken Falcon. She’s nineteen and still devastated._

_Han jolts in surprise at the question, hitting his head on the hood of the car that’s propped open and he lets out a filthy curse that she thinks Talia would clap her hands and laugh with glee at and he gives her a shadow of a twisted smile. “Why does that kid do anything?” He mutters._

_“I’m serious.”_

_Han sighs and wipes his hands on the rag, closing the hood and leaning against the car. He studies her for a few moments before he sighs, crossing his arms. “He’s like me that way.” Han admits. “Though he’d like to deny it.”_

_“Leia says she loves you all the time.”_

_“Notice how I never say it back?”_

_Rey frowns. “Do you…do you not love her?”_

_Han blinks and lets out a laugh. “God, kid. Don’t ever think that. I love her more than life but it’s…I’ve loved and lost too many people and putting it into words…it’s like a curse. Kind of like a Solo-Skywalker guarantee recipe for disaster. Generally, we usually say it when we’re walking into a death trap, or near death and well…do you get the picture now?”_

_“You’re saying you’re cursed and Ben doesn’t say_ I love you _because he doesn’t want to what…unleash any more pain on himself?”_

_Han shakes his head and shrugs. “Look, Rey…loving someone is hard enough. Knowing you love someone and then have to leave them without knowing if you’re ever going to come back, that makes it harder and Ben…well, Ben’s always been a bit special in fucking things up.”_

_Rey cocks an eyebrow. “Like his father?”_

_Han curses and then chuckles. “Stop listening to stories from Leia.”)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just over here, creeping on the other side of the world and dodging fruit, maybe? SERIOUSLY THOUGH. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT YOU GUYS. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU A MILLION TIMES OVER. We're almost at the end folks. One more chapter!


	10. Keeping the hope inside our minds that one day life will be kind (and we are home)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM LITERALLY SOBBING WITH ALL OF YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT. THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR ALL OF YOUR SUPPORT. I ADORE AND LOVE YOU ALL. I JUST CAN'T EVEN. Seriously, you guys are amazing and I just...thank you a million and one times over. You have no idea how much you all mean to me and I just...THANK YOU. 
> 
> Here be lemons. Title is taken from the song 'Home' by AURORA.

_She dreams in black and white._

_Amongst the black and white, she sees little flickers of familiar faces in color, Gemma hovering over her and Roz on the side, gnawing at her thumb worriedly._

_“Rey.” Gemma says and it’s soft, oh so soft and it’s been_ so _long since she’s heard her voice, since she’s felt her hands on her face. “You need to wake up.”_

_“I miss you.” Rey admits, looking between Gemma and Roz and both of their faces soften. “I miss you_ so _much.”_

_“It’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.” Roz promises. “We’re here. Always.”_

_And then they drift, squeezing her hands and pressing phantom kisses to her forehead, whispering_ we love you _and_ don’t be afraid because we’re never far _and_ we’ll always be together forever _and_ we were bound by the sun and sand and circumstances not of our making but we made them what they were _and_ we loved each other the only way we know how, fully.

_They’re gone as quickly as they came and Rey is left along in the dark, with lights flickering above her._

_“Come back.” Rey calls out. “Don’t go. Don’t leave me. Come back.”_  

* * *

 

In Takodana, despite the chaos, Rey slumbers and her fingers twitch, trying to touch those she can’t reach. 

* * *

 

_She dreams in black and white._

_Amongst the black and white, a blur of images, faded in color, skid across her vision, things she doesn’t remember, things she thinks doesn’t exist out of her sleep-induced haze. There are shadows against the walls, slithering away and slithering towards her. There is darkness, enveloping her, suffocating her until she’s struggling for breath and then there’s an island in the middle of an ocean she’s never seen before and she images how it would look like in color and she thinks,_ I want to go there.

_Sometimes, there are hands holding hers and they feel familial in a way she knows, soft indiscernible voices, muffled in the darkness, whispering things she doesn’t understand, can’t seem to fully comprehend but all she knows is that it aches and aches and aches._

_And then, then, there is_ him _. No longer shrouded in the darkness of the shadows, but bathed in color that has felt absent for too long. He walks towards her, his figure cutting something intimidating, something fierce in the way he reaches for her, pulling her smaller body against his and she marvels at how despite all the differences they are met with, they_ fit _, like they were always meant for each other. He runs his fingers down her arms, reaching her hands and he interlaces their fingers together and everything feels_ so familiar _and_ so different _at the same time. There is still something there, something like an electric current that streams through her veins, that makes her heart beat faster until it’s all she can hear. She’s staring at him, his dark brown eyes staring into her hazel ones until she feels like he’s taking her breath away and she memorizes the contours of his face, can feel his hands in hers, can make out the constellations of moles and freckles that dot his face and body._

_(All of a sudden, this once shadow, this once phantom of a man she knows, makes her excited and terrified.)_

_“Don’t be afraid.” It’s barely a whisper that echoes and she feels the weight of his forehead on hers. “I feel it too.”_

_“Where are you?” She asks him._

_“I’m here.” He tells her, pressing a soft kiss to her cheek and then the corner of her mouth and then slanting his lips over hers, devouring her in a way she remembers so vividly. “I’m here, Rey. Come back to me.”_

_And then, like everyone else in her dreams, he disappears leaving her desolate in her own dreams._

_(Come back,_ she cries _, don’t go. Don’t leave me. Come back.)_  

* * *

 

In Takodana, Rey wakes with a gasp, bending over the edge of the seats that have been made into a makeshift bed and she almost falls to the floor in her haste. There are hands on her face almost immediately and she recognizes her grandfather, recognizes Finn behind him and recognizes Jess and Poe, all with anguish written on their faces. She sees Talia and Dee across from her, Talia is holding Dee in her arms and Dee is struggling, trying to reach for Rey but Talia is holding her back, telling her softly to _give her a minute_ and Maz puts a hand on Dee’s shoulder, stilling her.

 

She can see Mace, she can see Poe’s parents but she doesn’t see Han or Leia or Luke, even though she _knows_ she’s heard them.

 

And the way everyone is looking at her, with pity and sympathy makes her heart clench and all at once she is stumbling off the chairs. “Where is he?” She croaks, her voice is hoarse and sore. “Where’s Ben?” When no one answers her, hysteria claws its way into her throat. “Where is he? _Where is he_?”

 

“He’s down the hall, kid.” Han cuts in with his gruff voice and tired eyes.

 

His arm is in a sling and his right eye is swollen shut and he’s walking with a limp but she doesn’t bother to ask _why_ or _how_ , instead she is stumbling away from them, following the directions Han is yelling at her back and she’s supporting herself against walls, blinking out the haziness in her eyes until she spies Luke staring at the glass of a room and she doesn’t spare him a glance, or a nod, she just wants to see _him_. She just wants to see _Ben_. She opens the door with only a little bit of struggle, barely glancing at Leia before she sinks down on a chair on the opposite side of his bed.

 

He looks like _shit_. There’s no way around it. He’s paler than she remembers him. More bruised than she remembers him. She slips her hand in his limp one and she almost cries because it’s been _so long_ since she’s felt his skin. His hand is more callused than she remembers and she wonders what he’s done since he’s been away. “What happened?” She asks Leia.

 

Leia looks at her with red-rimmed eyes and puffy cheeks from crying and the look the older woman gives her is both equal parts miserable and relieved. “He killed Snoke.” Leia tells her. At Rey’s blank look, Leia nods and takes a deep breath. “Snoke was the one in charge of the Order. He…was the one who was building all these weapons of mass destruction, with the intent to sell them to countries that he could bribe to do his bidding, which was, of course, mass destruction and world domination and he was the one who was putting out orders for the murders of _so many people_ and we’ve been trying for years and years to destroy them and Ben…Ben…for so long I thought he was going to join them, you know. There was this darkness that started to fester and I don’t even know _how_ he met Snoke but he did and Snoke did everything he could to feed that anger and hatred and I was _losing_ my son.” Leia’s voice takes on a tinge of madness and she bows her head, shoulders shaking. “I was losing my son and didn’t know how to get him back and he reminded me so much of my father that I didn’t know what to do and then…and then…” She takes a deep breath, lifts her head and gives Rey a small smile. “And then you came along and I could _see_ it… _everyone_ could _see_ it. I thought if you could get to him, if you could help him back…I don’t know what you did, Rey…I don’t know _how_ but _thank you_. Thank you a thousand times over.”

 

Rey frowns, shaking her head, dropping his hand. There is an anger lacing through her veins and she has to take several breaths to manage it. She doesn’t want _thanks,_ she doesn’t want gratitude. She just wants _Ben_. She just wants everyone to stop making her and him a pawn in their own lives. “How’d he get hurt?”

 

“He called us.” Leia admits. “Told me when everything was happening and there was a base not too far from Takodana called Starkiller and Han and Luke ran out of Coruscant like bats out of hell and I followed. Snoke…he didn’t go down without a fight, one that Han and Luke were involved in but Ben got the worst of it.”

 

“Why…why didn’t you take him to the hospital right away?”

 

Leia gives her a look that’s exasperated more than anything. “Because apparently Snoke found out who you were. He knew all along as far as I’m understanding it and he found out what Ben felt for you and the messages and he threatened you…knew you were on Takodana and as soon as the fight was done and Snoke was dead, Ben was _gone_ and we looked everywhere until Han remembered hearing Snoke say your name and we…we knew.”

 

Rey shakes her head, heart clenching just thinking of everything he went through. “God. He’s such a fucking idiot sometimes.”

 

Leia laughs and it’s like a tinkling sound. “Like his father, really.” She grins at Rey and Rey gives her a wobbly smile back. Leia stands and stretches her legs, passing her by and putting a hand on her shoulder, giving it a tight squeeze. “I’ll give you two some time.”

 

Rey nods, watching Leia leave and watching her meet Han halfway. She watches her lean in, head pillowed on his chest and she watches as Han puts his good arm around her shoulders, pulling her close.

 

Rey sniffs and moves to the other side of bed where there are no wires and she slides into the empty space next to him that she thinks was made for her and she’s careful of his wounds, careful to not disrupt anything as she clings to him. “I came back.” She tells him. “I came back for you so you have to come back.” She whispers into his ear. “Come back to me, Ben.”

 

She cries hot tears into his neck, keeping her eyes on him and not looking at the gathering crowd outside the hospital room, waiting for one of their own to wake up. 

* * *

 

She’s there when he does manage to wake up. She’s lying next to him, whispering about things they could do, places they could go, whispering that she loves him ( _I love you, I love you, I love you_ ), when she feels fingers brush against hers and she jolts off the bed, looking at him. His eyelids are moving and his long lashes are fluttering against his cheeks and she covers her mouth when he finally opens them and looks at her, the corner of his lips tugging into a small smile and tears are burning her eyes as she presses the button above his bed over and over again, trying to get a nurse.

 

The nurse comes rushing in and Rey is hysterical telling them that he woke up and Leia and Han are there and Luke is following closely behind them and everyone is outside, peering in and a nurse is telling them that they _need room_ , _immediate family only_ and the nurse is ushering Rey out when she hears a gurgle and she looks back, sees Ben’s hand outstretched towards her and she ducks underneath the nurse’s arm, hand clutching his and she’s openly sobbing now, looking at him looking at her.

 

“She _is_ immediate family.” Han’s voice brokers no room for argument.

 

Rey is silent when the doctor takes the tube out of his mouth and he gags a little bit but Rey doesn’t care because she’s there and pressing her lips against his gently and he’s weakly clinging to her waist, staring up at her like she’s his whole universe.

 

“You came back.” It’s almost breathless the way she says it. “You came back.”

 

“I did.” He agrees and his voice is raw from not using it and Rey is laughing against him, falling into him, clinging to him like he’s her whole existence.

 

(He is. She is. They are.) 

* * *

 

He spends a couple more weeks in Takodana until he’s well enough to fly and Rey reluctantly has to go back with her grandfather because of school starting back up again and she’s loathe to leave him again but Leia promises her that she’ll see him soon.

 

She presses kisses to his lips again and again until her grandfather reminds her they _have to go._

 

She hugs Dee and Maz and Dee tells her that she’s happy her boyfriend is going to be alright and it’s the first time _anyone_ , let alone _Rey_ , has used the word but she smiles at Dee, hugs her tightly and promises that she’ll call. Talia does the same, as she refused to leave Rey until Ben was awake and even then, refused to leave until Rey was leaving.

 

_(“I left you guys once.” Talia says softly, one arm around Dee’s shoulder and the other around Rey’s waist and Rey is leaning her head against Talia’s shoulder, relishing in her warmth. “I won’t do it again.”)_

 

Talia drives with Rey and her grandfather and when they part at the airport, Rey and her grandfather going one way and Talia going the other, Talia pulls her into a tight hug and Rey is laughing until she’s crying and Talia is laughing until _she’s_ crying and somehow, Rey knows that Gemma and Roz are laughing until _they’re_ crying and Rey thinks that _this is it_ , they made it out of their darkest days in the desert and made something out of themselves. Talia is going to be a mother and is planning on going to school. Dee is likely going to be some great explorer or whatever she wants to be. Rey is going to be an engineer and she’s in love ( _lovelovelove_ ) with Ben Organa-Solo.

 

Rey pulls away from Talia, smiling through the tears that she can’t stop and snorts. “ _The greatest love stories are always the most tragic ones_ , huh? It might have some merit.”

 

Talia laughs loudly and people are looking at them but Rey doesn’t care. “Or it could be a bunch of shit.” She presses her forehead against hers. “You make your own story, you pave your own path. We’re free. _You’re free_.”

 

“We made it.” Rey breathes.

 

“We made it.” Talia agrees. 

* * *

 

A couple of weeks after the start of the school year, Rey comes back home to see cars in front of the Organa-Solo house and she bypasses her own house and walks into theirs, shouting her greetings. Leia gives her a smile and tells her that _Ben is in his room_ and Rey nods, heart skipping a thousand beats as she makes her down the familiar stairs and into a familiar room. He’s lying in bed, television set up and flicking through the channels, looking bored. He looks up when she walks in, toeing off her shoes and throwing her backpack into the corner of his room. She pulls back the covers and presses herself into his side. “Hi.” She says.

 

“Hi.” He repeats softly, tucking hair behind her ears. “I’ve missed you.”

 

“Don’t leave me again.”

 

“Never.” He promises.

 

Even though her body is trembling and aching, she holds him, pressing her ear to his chest, above his heart beat and falls asleep to the rhythm of it in her ears.

* * *

She wakes up in the middle of the night to his shifting. She helps him up and he huffs in frustration and she kisses him until he melts into her, fingers drawing imaginary figures across her skin, sliding up her shirt then back down, unbuttoning her jeans and unzipping them and she _wants_ to, _God,_ she wants to but her head is becoming dizzy. “Ben.” She says against his mouth. “Ben…we can’t.”

 

He groans and pulls away from her, sitting down on the bed with her standing between his legs. “I hate this.”

 

She gives him a look. “This is what you get for running away for two fucking years fighting off some evil guy with a superiority complex _without telling me_.”

 

“I couldn’t.” He says and even in the darkness of his room, she can see his eyes and how they’re begging her to understand.

 

“I know.” There is a beat of silence before she looks at him and takes a deep breath. “I…I had sex with Donovan.” She doesn’t know what makes her tell him now, what makes this the _right time_ for a confessional but it’s not like she wasn’t going to tell him. And she didn’t want to wait any longer, didn’t want to feel the emotional strain that haunted her through the years he’d been gone. She feels him still and feels him tense. “I don’t want to lie to you. I don’t…I tried so hard to forget about you because you left me and that’s what people were telling me to do, that I had to _live_ and I was drinking and he was drinking and it was a mistake and I _hated_ you, maybe for a little bit but not as much as I hated myself.” She blinks back tears and she feels his hands on her waist clench. “And after…after everything that happened between us and you just left me like I meant nothing to you, I was torn apart, Ben. You…you broke me for the longest time and I felt like I was dying. But then…then it occurred to me that I _love_ you more than I could have hated you and living without you wasn’t something I was ready to think about. So, I fucked up but I’m not sorry.” She cups his cheeks, look down at him. “Because it made me realize how much you were made for me, like I’m made for you.”

 

He breathes through his nose, shuffling closer to her, head bowed underneath her breasts, as if in supplication, as if she is his altar of forgiveness. “There were…there were other women.” Her heart drops and she thinks she’s stopped breathing, her worst fears coming true, that there _were_ other women who maybe knew his body as well as she once knew it and she wants to _cry_ , wants to _rail_ and weep because hasn’t it been enough? Haven’t they gone through enough? Hasn’t she been through enough? The pettiness comes easily to her but underneath all that there is jealousy that flares up something fierce in her gut and she wants to hunt these women down and she wants to rip them apart, destroying whatever memory they have of him because _he belongs to her_. She wants to crawl into Ben’s blood so that when he bleeds, he bleeds _Rey_ and everyone knows that he’s hers as much as she’s his. “They didn’t mean anything.” He tells her, lifting his head so she can see his eyes and there is a truth there, that those faceless and nameless didn’t mean anything and that sometimes, when the pressure got to be too much, he needed a release that his hand wasn’t capable of accomplishing and the memory of her was burning him alive. “I stopped after the second one. It felt…wrong. She wasn’t you. No one was you and you’re all I want. You consume every part of me, Rey and sometimes…sometimes,” he says quietly, staring at her, “Sometimes, I think we started this wrongly.”

 

They started _this_ the moment he laughed and she put her hand on his arm that fateful day at the airport. But she understands what he means. She understands that he’s referring to when she was seventeen and guilt gnawed at him.

 

“Do you…” She’s almost terrified to ask this, almost terrified of what the answer could be. “Do you not want to-”

 

He cuts her off with a sharp shake of his head. “I want _you_. _Only you_. I just…think we should start over.”

 

She lets out a little laugh and sticks out her hand. “Hi.” She says, not bothering to hide her grin. “I’m Rey.”

 

He lets out a groan and puts his hand over his eyes but he takes her hand anyways and _there it is_ , there’s the jolt of electricity that ricochets from him to her and it’s electrifying, lighting them both up and she bites back a gasp. “Hi.” He replies breathlessly. “I’m Ben.”

 

(Ben. Not Kylo Ren. _Ben_.) 

* * *

 

For a month, they take it slowly. They go out on dates. He puts his arms around her shoulders. She makes excuses to touch him. He kisses her like she’s the only person in the world and she holds him like he’s her anchor.

 

This lasts for a month before they’re colliding into each other like two stars on a collision course and God help anyone or anything in their way.

 

It’s not a special occasion. There’s no long weekend. There is no holiday. It’s a Thursday night and she’s in his room, reading through her notes, waiting for him to come back from the doctors and when he does, it’s only his footsteps she hears and he doesn’t look shocked to see her, instead he grins at her, closes the door and locks it and she cocks an eyebrow at him, shutting her textbook and binder close.

 

“Good news?”

 

“All healed up.” He tells her, pushing her back onto his bed and hovering over her, claiming her lips in a kiss so devastating it makes her toes curl. When breathing becomes necessary, he pulls away from her, gasping and she’s reaching for him, dragging him down on top of her until every part of him is touching her.

 

_(“What made you go to your mother?” She asks him one day. It’s only a couple of days after he’s back in Coruscant and she can feel him tense. Can feel his heart pick up but she presses her palm to his chest harder, trying to calm him down._

_He’s silent for a long time, fingers carding through her hair. “Snoke was the one who had your father killed.” He confesses. “He…he killed your mother.”_

_“Were you trying to avenge me?” She asks, her own heart picking up a thousand times quicker than it should have any right to._ Were you trying to avenge the life I could have had? _And she blinks her tears away, thinking that somehow, everything comes full circle._

_He shrugs. “And me. He…Snoke used me. I let him use me and I wanted to tear him apart. So, I did.” His eyes go dark when he says this and in moments like this she can see how easy it is for him to slip back into Kylo Ren._

_“He’s gone.” She whispers, pressing her lips against his. “He’s gone and I love you, Ben. I love you.”_

_He kisses her harder and whispers_ I love you _, back.)_

 

His hands are sliding up her shirt, fingers toying with the hem of her bra, slipping underneath, fingertips grazing her nipple and she’s arching against him. “I thought you wanted to take this slow.”

 

“We were never able to take this slow. It’s not us. We’re…we’re a chemical reaction, a catalyst.”

 

“For what?” She gasps out when his fingers pinch her right nipple. “Catalyst for what, Ben?”

 

“The world, the universe. _Us_. We were made in the stars, Rey. Don’t you remember?” And she does, _oh God_ , she does, because at all times he’s the hunter and she’s the hunted or she’s the hunter and he’s the hunted but they’re always together, always entangled until they can’t tell where he begins and she ends.

 

He’s pulling at her shirt, lifting it over her head, pressing eager kisses to her jaw and collarbone, sucking marks into her skin and she’s gasping, hands grappling his back, clinging to him as he reaches behind her and unclasps her bra, shrugging the straps down her shoulders and arms, lips following, until it’s completely off and his mouth is there, sucking at her nipples, tongue laving at them and she’s letting out gasps and moans and whimpers, fingers carding through his hair, keeping him pressed to her chest.

 

Her legs spread, cradling him between her and he’s unbuttoning her jeans and unzipping them, yanking them down her legs and she’s kicking off her shoes, toeing off her socks, clothes hitting the floor without sound. He’s between her legs on his knees, erection tenting against his jeans and she’s in blue lace underwear that’s more cute than sexy and his eyes darken. “Touch yourself.”

 

Her breath stills and she bites her lip, hands tracing her neck, toying with her collarbone where she knows his marks are, branding her as his, down towards her breasts where she pinches and pulls at her nipples, cupping her breasts in her hands until she’s traveling down, fingers tracing her leaking cunt over her underwear. She moans closing her eyes, “Keep them open.” He says in a tight voice. “Keep them on me.” She opens them and it’s like that night all those years ago except everything has changed between them and her heart beats thunderously in her chest. She thumbs her underwear, slipping them off and down her legs, and his hands are reaching for them, dragging them off her legs and throwing them with the rest of her clothes.

 

She slips a hand between her folds, caressing herself gently, working up a rhythm that has her panting, slipping a finger inside of her, searching for the spot that she knows will send her into a blissful release. “Ben.” She whimpers when her fingers aren’t enough, not when he’s _here_ , not when he’s in front of her and all she wants is _him_. All she _needs_ is _him_. “Ben, _please_.”

 

His fingers join hers and she arches her back, letting out a feral cry and he’s watching her so intently and her body is trembling something fierce and she clings to his shoulders, letting out a strangled shriek when his fingertips graze her in that one spot and she’s yelling, “There, _there_! _God, Ben, yes_.”

 

His fingers disappear and she almost cries, feeling bereft but before she can even say anything, she’s gasping again because his mouth is on her and in her delirious haze, she didn’t even know he slithered down her body but she doesn’t _care_ , all she cares about is that is tongue is pulsing in and out of her. All she cares about is that he’s sucking at her like she’s a fountain in a desert and she’s crying from all the emotion overwhelming her and she explodes under his ministrations.

 

His mouth sucks on her gently, bringing her down from her high and she’s breathing heavily, clawing at his shoulders and bringing him up to her, pressing her lips to his and tasting herself on him. He moans into her mouth and she’s working on taking off his shirt and then his undershirt and she’s running her hands all over his chest, almost crying at the feeling of raised and ridged scars that weren’t there before.

 

“Do you love me less now that I look like a monster?” He asks her, vulnerability lacing his voice.

 

_(“Do you need help getting that off?” She asks when she sees him struggling with his shirt._

_He swats her away, eyes going feral. “No.” He snarls. “No. Don’t…just don’t.”_

_“Okay.” She says quickly, raising her hands in surrender. “Okay.”)_

 

She cradles his face in her hands. “You are _not_ a _monster_.” She tells him passionately. “You will _never_ be a _monster_.” She kisses him, trying to prove a point and from there it’s desperation because they haven’t been together in _two years_ and she appreciates the foreplay but all she _wants is him_. All she _needs is him_. She’s pushing down his pants, his boxers going with it and he’s reaching for his bedside bureau but she stops him, face flushing. “I’m on the pill and I’m clean, I just…Ben…please, I want to feel you. All of you.”

 

He groans, pressing his head into the crook of her shoulder and nods, telling her softly that he’s clean, all the tests he had to do in Takodana coming back negative. She reaches down between them, watches as he screws his eyes shut at the feel of her hands around him and were this any other time, she would tease him, she would touch him until he groans wantonly, put her mouth on him until he’s pulling her hair but this isn’t any other time and she’s fucking aching for him so she presses the tip of him where she needs him and there is a breath before he presses his lips to hers and presses inside of her.

 

She’s whimpering against his mouth, tearing her lips away from his and arching her back when he’s fully inside of her. He stills, bodies pressed together in every single way and her chest feels so _full_. Her heart feels like it’s going to explode and she can’t help it, tears leak out of her eyes and when she opens them, he looks so horrified. “Did I hurt you? _Rey_?”

 

“No.” She lets out a strangled laugh that’s half a cry and wraps her arms around him, kissing him until she can’t breathe. “ _No_. No. I…I just never thought I’d have this again. I never thought I’d be here with you again and I love you. _I love you_. _Ben, I love you_.”

 

He moves and she gasps and he presses his forehead against hers, lips hovering against hers, not kissing, just breathing in the same air. “I love you.” His lips move to make the letters and the words and Rey feels like the sky is being split open at his whispered confession against her lips. “I love you.” She moves her lips with his, both mouthing the words that tie them together.

 

And then he’s moving and she’s moving with him. She can hear him grunting and there’s his sweat and her sweat but Rey doesn’t _care_ because she’s locked in a staring contest with Ben that they’ll both win and she’s smiling and he’s grinning back at her until his face contorts and he’s thrusting harder and she lifts her legs to wrap around his waist, trying to get the angle just right because she wants him deeper, _needs_ him deeper. He lets out a grunt, one hand trailing down her leg, unwrapping it from his waist and pressing her knees against his shoulder, spreading her wider and the angle has shifted and he’s thrusting in and out of her at frenzied pace that sends her keening, begging him for more.

 

“Rey.” He groans. “Are you…fuck…are you…”

 

She nods. “So close. Ben, please, just…oh… _oh…yes_! Fuck, _Ben_.” When his fingers brush against her clit she sobs, not bothering to stifle her cry as the world explodes in a kaleidoscope of brilliant colors she thought she lost. He’s following her, emptying himself inside of her, letting out a feral grunt. Her arms are still around him and he brings her leg down from his shoulder to its previous spot around his waist and she’s clinging to him, unwilling to let go, even as he goes limp inside of her.

 

He kisses her neck, nibbling on it and pressing open-mouthed kisses on her lips. “Mine.” He tells her. “ _Mine_.”

 

“Always.” She promises. “I’m yours and you’re mine.”

 

He’s trembling as he nods, grabbing her hands and lifting them to either side of her head, baring her to him, and interlacing their fingers until she can’t tell who begins and who ends. “ _Yours_. Only ever _yours_. Always.”

 

He slips out of her and pulls her into his side and she follows, placing her head on his chest, above his heart and listening as it beats wildly.

 

It’s not too long after that she closes her eyes and drifts off to sleep.

 

(And when she dreams, she dreams in color.) 

* * *

 

She used to think that they were always meant to end as a version of their own tragic selves where they take and take and take and never give, doomed to repeat the same mistakes of the people who came before them.

 

Or maybe, even worse, she used to think they were written in the stars, he, shrouded in the darkness and she, a child of the light, despite circumstance, only meeting during eclipses that send the world tilting in darkness.

 

(They always seemed so apt in destroying one another, no matter how accidental.)

 

But she knows now that’s not the case. That maybe, while they were shrouded in the tragedy of their past, their future is theirs.

 

And it’s in moments like these, when they’re whispering confessions across each other’s skin and he’s slipping inside her for what seems like the hundredth time that she wishes she could send them into the stars, intertwining into a constellation so bright it’ll baffle scientists and make the sun envious. And she wishes that she were a painter so she could paint them into infamy, so minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years into the future, people would look upon them and be jealous that they belonged to each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously. Have I said lately how much I love you? Because i do. I love you so much it's unreal. THANK YOU ALL SO SO MUCH! All of your kind words and support means so much to me. I love you all so much it's unreal. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

**Author's Note:**

> I would love love love to know what you all think! My first Reylo fic that I am humbly and very nervously offering this cool AF fandom and I love you all. I also have a tumblr! Come find me! I'm Elixirbb. Hope you all enjoyed!


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